your spirit wrapped it's hands around me,
cold fingers with chewed on nails brushing over my collarbones
"you are certainly worth getting to know better."
"you make me realize what I am worthy of becoming."
"you see the good beneath my bloodshot eyes."
demons do not scream
they do not possess children
they do not leave trails of black on your grandmother's white carpet
they kiss you
they lean in to your ear and tell you all the ways you two could be one day
"I want a house, and three girls,"
he would say, his hot breath filling my eardrums
"I'll be a pediatrician, so I can save lives,"
he would tell you, his hand on your thigh
"I'd never leave you,"
he would yell, in between thrusts between your red and gray sheets
lies
it was all a trick
demons climb under your skin and lodge themselves beneath your bones
they seep their ethereal words into your bloodstream so that it can flow straight to you heart,
so that it'll be the first sound in the air when you take out your blades yet again, to release your demons into the atmosphere
they leave the taste of their secrets in your mouth so that they come to mind every time you speak
they break your heart and pour bleach into your eye sockets because if they don't want you then no one else should.
I remember how it felt
to sit on your bedroom floor
I see it in black and white blurs
there used to be color there
but it left with you
"you're the most intriguing girl I've seen in a long time,"
says the boy at the business conference,
he's trying to get you back to his hotel room
"you deserve so much more than this,"
whispers the baseball player,
he's trying to be polite
"I wrote you a song, since you remind me of music notes,"
tongues the musician,
he's trying to stop drinking
they're all trying
trying to be
nice
better
different
so many demons without souls
one put his hat in my locker last fall,
he wanted me to wear it,
I didn't.
one put his arm around me last spring,
he wanted me to taste his lips,
I didn't.
one put his sketchbook in my hands last winter,
he wanted me to realize I was art,
I didn't.
but sometimes you miss demons
one left me because
I wasn't loving enough
one left me because
I wasn't slutty enough
one left me because
I wasn't confident enough
I was
closed off
with closed legs
and closed lips
I missed his smile
but he missed my body
I missed his hands
and he missed where his hands went
I missed his eyes
and he missed my bed

Lethargy follows the facade
But I can no longer pretend.
This is how it has always been.
How it always will be.

I wish love destroyed you,
But it doesn't do you that courtesy,
It wounds and maimes you,
And it leaves you alive,
It doesn't do you the justice of a mercy killing,
We bleed again and again,
The scars come and never leave,
Forever altered by all of the moments,
Love isn't poetic,
Love is the cache 22 that reminds us that even if you're in heaven right now,
The devil used to also be god's favorite angel,
And hell isn't so far away after all.

The only way to defeat
Is to completely expose

Stripped to the bone
It has nowhere to hide

Exposure brings volatility
sinewy strength and lies

The host must be stronger
or be destroyed

Ive given up
on you,
on me.
On you and me.

For you will
never
Be for me.

And thats
OK.
Or at least
it will be.

You waited for a lifetime
Like an old pine
That weights and watches
Just to see your planter

My little sunshine
You bear sadness in your seedling eyes
And your voice is rasped and withered
Is this the debt I gave you?
Or have my deeds all been forgiven?

I knew nothing then; only love
I know nothing still; only silence

No words to tell you now
No need to sweeten   your sad seed eyes
They are the sweetest ever
My dear, my love my sunshine

Forgive me for my lack of presence
I'll see you in a lifetime

I cleaned
and sanitized
preened and plumed
according to the
most effective tidying theory
touched every item
threw a lot away
In such a wintry day
what a sparkling new year spirit!
Now my study room
has become obedient
quite submissive
It'll surely be sober for a year
But what to do
What to do
My scattered
drunkard's mind
where to put
in such an organized crime
I feel like being sterilized myself