What do I do with it babe?
With the contradictions
My impulses spinning in all directions
Confusing truth with obsessions

What do I do with what I felt?
I confused it all once again
Looking at girls is okay,
but I can't without the guys

This is a map Pan hands me
I have to read it with glee
his words are unspoken
but he screams!

this is what I ******* need
to be alive
but the voice in the back
keeps me restrained and shut up

Am I going back
away from this ivory town
Where I could not touch the sky
Whose hand, will I?

And where do you all ghost lovers go?
Where do I go when I'm not home?

I need you to stop being the canvas
Where I throw my bunch of pain
I need you to stop being honey
so I can taste you again

I have filled this so much with crap
Without being aware at all
How to proceed now
When you were just a button
of love's eternal blossom

I saw the departure points
the paths of my own brain
And I will do anything in my hand
to reverse the curse I've been cast

This poem goes nowhere
I said once,
ditch it all, burn burn burn

But you can't go back
you can only fix what's done
the only good thing
the only bad thing
often they are the same

You were the answer - for some years
Now the tunnel opens up - trembling fear

And I think of going back to us
like a bandage
or some days, a message even from above.
like God and his army playing drums
And I know you are the core,
and I believe in love...

But no way to go back to such time.
Because you did me wrong.
Girls in your phone.
Not caring about this anymore.

But...your eyes lost in mine.
the rush everytime you come to mind
The peace you gave - so shaky in the very last times

No easy answers now - there never were!
You, simply, were not the answer
that I deserve
I will fight till I break - this is it right now
And you can't run away
Gotta take the road - far from the house we called home
Only God knows -

Life is not a ******* poem
Life is greater than everything
Outside the borders, the margins
where it is pushed, it simply is

And here I am, vomiting letters
onto the screen/paper
that keep me alive
It is good, it is nice
but the thing itself it cannot surpass

Yet, it gives a sense of sense
But life's advice is truer, stronger
more throbbing
than anything else
It opens itself in front of your eyes

Poetry is a constant in the air
That you can smell, you can't contain.
Poetry is your inner hell
weaved into golden tinsel threads
My abstract lover, my mental come
But you see, nothing like the real one

Life goes further
always ends up winning the game
And you revel on what she did there
She's rarely misled
And the winters in your days
account for the sunshine rays

I am not creating and I am not coming

What's this ****?
It makes me cry, bury my head in your chest
in desires that never come anywhere
Oh, dear,
if I could make myself shake again

I am so afraid

Your closeness changes everything
but my stress
(it unleashes these fears
makes me feel that current
head to feet)
but all those images in my head
falling prey

And I can catch it for a sec
Be my teacher, I'll listen to your words
like pagan scripture
(best scripture)
Can you hold me, through this pain?
Can you take me, high again?

The past is always a ******* dark dart
I can't let it come back

I love you so much
but it feels incomplete
do I have to go through this?
a hole pouring down my heart
Emo imagery - don't dare put down

it is close, it is close!
just close your eyes
and when you arrive
you'll know, you know
(you know the road,
you know the pace leading to the door)

I've been you!
So I know what you're up to

I see those scholars of the future
in my crazed up dream
they talk about you and me
all the things all the me I laid here

Try to analyze what I speak
Try to know what I never knew
try to know more than I do
making up stories about what I meant
but still you've never been me
and I have no time to think twice
My fails and my smiles are only mine

I've been you!
And I appreciate the effort -I do-
But wonder only once
if, before reading anything
you bled at all

He's not gonna call
because you are such a bore
you have to pick your bones from the floor
Your cheap thrill? Won't hit you anymore
Because I could see the ephemeral flowers dying
his Words as smothering and hurting
as men's are...

He's not gonna get back, he'll break your heart.
Or maybe it'll be bleached the other way around.
but you will! give it time
"Give me time, baby, so I can fix my life"
And you'll rush into his arms,
***** thoughts at the subway hoarding your mind!
How he makes you breathless, makes you moan
How he understands it all
Now you are far from him,
you could say "I love the man".

Because, who can make me feel the way he did?
I'm seeking a new thrill but I'm on the queue to it.
It hurts that he's gonna leave. No matter if just three days of this.
It hurts a lot. Men should have *****.
Cheap thrill! I love you!
It's the only thing I never stop doing.

Cheap thrill on a dark movement
on a drunk spree
Cheap thrill, now I see
maybe I must get back
with him, with him, with him.

**** all the men in the world.
Leave me ******* alone.
You don't want our ruin
Turns me to bleach
and I get burnt
Let me float in space
And never think of love, oh love...

Because we might get unbound
Of something that's stalling us both
And taste and see new shores
(you need it more tHan I do)
Because Amy might not be the soundtrack
And my good fortune's still there, untouched

I love you, but things they change
Let's not file a list of complaints
and keep going, going
Because oh baby I loved you so...
but my wings were getting weak and stunted
And I cannot take it.

***** hair - but I am not there
Crying in the kitchen - I need help
Alternate universe - dissociate
what's this - it tears at me,
can't be tamed, it won't fade

A shy razor on my arm
I can't do this; because it hurts
but I need the world to blow up
because into this catatonia
I could burst

I cannot feel my body - or my soul
it's all gone - I drown, in my thoughts,
I have no kind of control
I can't listen, I can't talk. The pain is everywhere.
I froze. I move nervously, restless, but I won't rest
because now, it's all the same
because I can't stop
oh God what's wrong?!
I can't take it anymore!
let me catch my breath, I sigh,
I will make it alright,
by ******* the venom in the wound
I still can't stop! I can't take it anymore!
I fell, once again!

Let me catch my breath, and I did.
A gate opens, lets go all of this.
And your honey kiss is placed
where I left it before the storm
raged in me, this devil switch,
this unexplainable thing

I am getting ready so the storm
never breaks what I love most

Now that without being side by side we sail - alone
With so much love around
We aren't bound
to the crystal sweet jail of our love
That we can't touch, we can't fully grasp
but that never stopped us

Now but always bound in time
Through heaven, hell and in between
A link no one gets right
but we...

Now we are always together
each one in their world - family, lovers
but I don't think we'll forget
what we used to have.

And I'm not speaking ***, the photographs I took
I'm not speaking lust, even when it was true.
I'm speaking the thin line
between 2 ghosts in each other's life
I'm speaking "Spanish kissses"
with a limit never clearly drawn
unmade love
a ghost, a sweet ghost so real to us.

Now I roam till I get lost
Now I flirt with men I don't really want
Yet I can't stop

Now I am confused – a girl of my zeitgeist
Now I come – but always a question afterwards
Where did I go?

Should I go back to your arms
that place I trashed so much now
the high comes every night yet I can't make it right

Now I live with hope
but the devil knocks my door!
The ghosts call out
even if they sing
Death is kicking hard
Life – just hold on tight
Am I missing it this time?

Number one is the oldest one
in my life
he brings tears to my eyes
joy to my heart
I let him go because of the pressure
in my guts

His *** makes me shake
like no one else's
but there was a catch
I could not take off my mind,
forget

Number two gives me sweet recovery love
but we cannot fill the hole
calls me pretty any time
and I smile back, I smile back
but it's not gonna happen
not ever again

Number three used me
like a kleenex
to dispose of me anytime he wanted
how naive am i
to think you can just netflix and chill
how immature of me

Number four is the last one
he loves me lots but I?
I am afraid of his reactions
because his love is so wide
He's infatuated with me
and I could feel his love over me once
But I think I ran too fast
Feelings you can't control

I am crippled with men lately
but this is life
with a gun in your hands
and a broken one between your legs

Nymphets like me grow up,
and guess what?
I am not any scared or scarred
In a parallel world,
Angela invited Lester to her wedding day
and it's realer than death
There's nothing to heal - no sight of old pain

Am I really strong?
I am not sorry - I am not hurt
Even if I did break a few hearts
This nymphet got a job and she dyed her hair
She got to her destination -
but she's not done yet!

And I might have to leave
all of those nymphet, stylish things
no more daddies on the scene
but my inner fire still burns deep
let me resignify what I mean
when I wear my heart shaped glasses
when I feel all pink
that's eternal, it has no age or anything

It's true, I am not ******* anymore.
Isn't that a whole lot more fun?
I am a full woman now
and I am not backing down
(I always was this, waiting to come out)
So I look in the mirror,
and my inner nymphet eyes back,
"you're doing fine, I am proud of who you are"

My heart is on fire - that I do love
but when my *****'s on fire, I love it more
This is what I craved to be - your ****
This is my wish - what I need, a long repressed
"set me free" all over me

This is me - short skirt,
and begging for (your) ****
My fantasies breed - you're the man I pick
I am not sorry about my moans
and all of my wet thoughts
I am not sorry about none, I am not sorry
for love

Your thought i keep in my mind
Like something to be taken care of, my love
Is this love? What is it?

You became something to be taken care of
I am afraid of living without you
Wait! Not that, just…the dislocated beat in my heart because of you

You became an obsession.
Not a passion, not anymore
You became something odd, to my mind (like everything else)
I convinced myself well that you are my life.
But hark, you are!

You are alive and that is weird to me
Am I holding the unavoidable back? Am I?

There is pain further than pain. There is a mechanical pain, a pain that hurts not hurting at all, making you go along life but missing something deep.

There is a beatless pain. There is a pain grabbing you by the throat. But silently, so you can't yell.
There is a pain not too big, it never fully seizes, but it is there.
Constant turning of the ***** that won't make you cry, but they do oppress. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. They oppress like few things more. You cried in pain, and you discover now there are worst realities than pain: the cryless anguish, the wordless complaint, the oblivion of loss. Will you come out of this?
Most important of it all: who will come? Will you come out alive?

And the ghosts of the past, alive tonight
Me, looking at daddy's ***
Me, thinking I am a necrophile
Me, swooning over Gaspard Ulliel
Me, being free
Me, signing my death
Me, in your bed -happy like I had never been-
Me, lost in the dark convoluted corridors
Me, about to break in parts
Me, 14 in the car, daddy is telling me that if I go madder he'll get mad in turn
Me, going psychotic
Me, atonement by the flesh
And nothing could be worst than this
the past all over me
No way to flee...

Nervously hitting the switch - I can't be back here!
I know more than I did - but still
do not wave the past at me!

I am not this - I've never been
but I will -somehow- always be

I cannot think - I cannot be
(I used to write convoluted verse about it)
It's not a cliché - I mean it for real
In the amidst of horror there are no words
Horror - it swallows the whole

I shake, I ache
My whole life hangs by the wire of the light
And I am aware of what I do not like
It's you (no) it's me, it's everything

To let little things control me
To not be free anymore
I fight but I get tired

So weird writing this poem! So weird being here tonight!
But I will save myself from me - this time

I feel like I could not write
it ***** up my mind
what is it I am so afraid of
perfection, happiness, for once?

I feel unstuck
and that's good, that's great!
if you touch things, they'll turn to ****
not to gold, hey

that deep need to tell
crosses with my need to live
my need to meet God
to do versus to speak
I don't think they are so apart, you see

I will venture deep into my brain
with one hand outside the hole
to climb back
so I don't lose my soul

Irony everywhere
it's the key to success

I know you love me, and it's all love
But I had to rip this umbilical cord
it got around my neck
I was about to choke

One of the circumstances that make you be who you are,
or is it rather
the circumstances were because of who I am?

I know you love me, can't say I don't
but it intoxicates, bye dear, I had to wave
In our distance, we became close
There are oceans between us,
and the ocean is pretty to watch
we look so nice in our worlds...
my world feels like it can breathe on its own
only intersecting in times odd
I love you, but we have to coexist
never to share our cores

Yet your umbilical cord
will buy me the freedom I need,
not want.
Your umbilical cord, will serve a purpose

Sitting in a bus, yet watching the trees, feeling the breeze
holding a phone in my hand - thinking about your smile
the noise of the motor was lulling me, like a bird would
it became part of the scene, nature by repetitive use
Technology - that weird, disconnected craft
(it also comes from our hands)
Making us lose touch, miss the beat of the eternal drum
but is it like that?

My dreams are not filled with mobile phones
but while I am awake, they help me cope
It won't save you but indeed it'll help
it's more like a prop on stage, something taking us there
like a train to meet your lover when he's not near,
like a CD to hear music that'll make you feel,
yet it is only a brazen thread,
beautiful only in the measure
that is human-made.

Connect with the Universe in strange new ways
Do not stray - hold her metallic, heavy hand
Follow the Earth - but please do take this chance
From nature you can't hide - not even with a device
Crazy how this little appendix brings me closer
by pulling a bit further

I was lost, in the world
unable to control
my powers had me out of it
The world felt like a mess
but such was my head
Tangled tinsel threads
Tangled myself
I will never forget

I am drowning in my pain, but probably
Just getting more and more sane

Every now and then
hell
knocks back again
But I have a torch light
in my hand
I have bruises all over my body
reminding me the victories

And now I'm off the ward
still need an injection sometimes
I walk on my own, and the Sun smiles
on my eyes
can't believe I am this good

Maybe it's just a matter of...
sometimes that you can't explain
you can only ride along
explain with broken words
that make all the sense in the world
Follow the beat, jump the rope.
Do not get lost
Get lost, gal

I am off the ward
The lights - they kind of
blind my eyes
but I am so high
Kisses all over me, rushes late at night
Tears sometimes - part of the pack

I am witnessing the world
Never, never, never stop
And to witness is to know
To know, entails to hold

I got out after I was healed
but getting out was part of it
I've got a lot of things to live
"Time ticks away like a bomb"
I am not missing anymore

I am off the ward
I bet I'm going to have fun
Keep a sword by my side
The shadows lurk around

If you catch me...oh God if you do!
I can't assure I will resist you -
(I think of it quite often, I do)

We will walk calmly down the street
have a drink or two
but if the night approaches in a forlorn alley
and your hand reaches for my body
I can't assure I will turn you down - won't say no

You are the key, even if the lock is not yours
You are so hot - I can't resist

Is this true or is it just me
resisting change, resisting the end of this

If you catch me - I don't know what will be
But I can't stop thinking
about you whispering "I love you" in my ear
Even if it's not real.

Oh man, I pictured you in my bed
But we are turning sour or at least I do myself.
I rotted away, but it wasn't you
I die for your kiss: but can I go further than that
(I want it bad, I want you bad)?

I know the answers I just can't read now
I have to listen to my heart - and my *******

How quick! Is this the comeback I expected?
All my energies again all distorted!
I was doing so well - now uphill
counterflowing again

To fight for what you want: you mustn't
To give in to this rhythm: you musn't
How to find the way
in this very knotted thread!

What do I do everynight
What do I do everyday.
Chasing men and chasing a dream tinsel made.
How do I put my pieces back together?
With this schizophrenic puzzle I create

Throwing myself towards the barbed wire of ***
Such a curse and so blessed
I want it so bad, yet I can't get
Timing of the universe, be good to me this time!
Universe, please hold my hand! Please do not let it die!

Now I see it clear - through the smoke and laughter
Now I see it clear - what I did for years

I fell in love with you, with your image in the mirror
I was on drugs, drugs of desperate connection

So I liked you, I tried to like you with my heart
Put myself under ties when under the effect of your drugs
To restrain myself from myself - I feared too much
So I liked you, but your rites I could not abide
You were never made of the same matter as I
The requests I could not fill, the requests were not for me
Sounds bleak but...

(Get away from this, you don't belong here, you never did.
Ah, the black and white scheme! Not ever real)

Through the excitement and the stir
There's something else to see...

Because you read my fears,
you see who I am through the cracks and scars
maybe even though I worn a mask
You saw me when I was an embryo,
a sick, sick embryo...

Braille to you
You read me softly when I can't do
Because I'm not you, but I am a part of you.

Once upon a time
My ***** throbbed real hard
I was caught in desires
The hidden side of me, now

And I forgot who I am
because of life's binds and bounds
And now you ask me about
that part of life that remained outside
and always inside
You ask me about that side
that never died
only slept too Deep

My past - I never got to accept
It was family, dad saying - why you support them?
It was hurtful, life stripped me bare
But I had no recollection of hurt
It was simply there

Once upon a time
my life shone with potential
I had life running through my veins
like blood rushing to the brain

My secret of girls
my secret of love
my secret of truth
my secret of my fate
hidden somewhere

Once upon a time
I was not hurt
and that's why my *****
throbbed oh so hard.

I get sad, I feel anxiety
on anything I interpret from you
I wallow in sadness
over anything you did or said
“It didn’t feel good, it didn’t feel right”
I drown in sadness
It’s becoming hoarding,
overspreading, excessive,
invasive
Growing everywhere,
anytime
Then you come again
You peace my mind
And I’m restored, until my next time.

In freedom you can thrive
you can expand these wings and finally
fly
in freedom you'll reach your peak
but freedom could make you
bruised and a bit
confused, (you see)
but you are free to be,
so just be

freedom is the sweet risk
you need to find what you need
so don't yearn for the chains
instead, run wild till your feet ache
only in freedom does love grow

Way before the awakening
The pink hair, the men, the crazy life
(should I call it merely life?)
There was you.

Blue Danish eyes
Entrance me into a whole new world
Soft womanly shape
Open a girl’s mind..
You were there when there was nothing…
II
Gitte you lie in me
like a shadow of what could be
lustful promise of girls
all of them in my bed!
III
Like a crack on the wall
through which the air starts to ooze inside
you were the first fresh I ever breathe
since months…

So I ran away
I heard the sky crack wide open
It was way too much
I needed to leave, for a while from
Not you or me or us
but the monster I had created

An Angela Hayes steps on the scene.
She’s ugly and she’s beginning to rot.
She’s pretty and her bones are broken.
She’s a shadow of herself.
She’s drowning yet she’s beautiful.

It was dark, dark inside.
Dark, dark outside.
I got a punch from heaven, who knows
Got sent to hell, instead.

And I couldn’t handle it anymore
All the lies fell in front of my eyes.
All my paranoia, all the crazy schemes of my mind,
finally seemed to make sense.

It didn’t but at the time I had to explode or else I’d have died and lost touch from me ever.

Open relationship
I know that you'll leave me
Because the body and the soul
they do not lie so far
But it's a risk I take
I take it with my heart
Because body and soul
are made of the same fabric
A weight lifted from my shoulders
But a new state of us is here

(why it is so important for you
to get inside of me?
I can't let anyone inside
it hurts, it hurts)

Open relationship
A whole new world in front of us
But it's not what we both want
In a perfect world

Open relationship
Waiting - till I'm done with me
what are we gonna do
what are we gonna do
where are we going to move?

And I can tell you who I kissed
And you can tell me where you've been
It doesn't sound so bad
but it doesn't sound right

Open relationship
but the heart steering only one way, I think
The duality of mind and body, which is not really such a thing
You say it's confusing
Maybe we cannot stay
this way
I'd lie if I said
I'm not a little afraid
But this is what it takes

You have to choose!
Ophelia or Queen Gertrude
draw blood in your arm
lose your mind for a man
or
dry your tears and be blamed
because you've done

Ophelia - broken girl
never a woman, always less
Ophelia are you my fate
I refuse to wear your name!

Queen Gertrude oprobium,
hate, and guilt upon you
Because you dared to be yourself
Give up the chains, simply reign
Rocked yourself to ***
You dance at life's pace.

But I feel Opheliac this morning
and I know it's not the deal
She died young and had no fun
She's no role model to me
I've already had my share of her ilk -
I've already lost my mind and gained it back

And I felt Gertrude yesterday
and I felt such shame
But to be on fire kills all blame

But ah, maybe real women are not
black and white schemes
we carry the rainbow inside
you can't put us into boxes and if you dare to do
I will indeed be Queen Gertrude,
because I am not going to die anymore
I am not taking blindly what comes,
I won't accept the idea of doom
I am not mourning for you, I know more now, I do

My friends they are going to **** me
but I don't really think I care now
Bradley's saying it will lead to tears
but I felt so complete

That we might be back -in fact, we are-
and this time, we will make it grand
You didn't kiss my wounds
but they healed with your touch

My parents they are going to freak out
that I will be yours once again
but I don't think I am the same girl

Nothing's the way it was
Thank God!

How to make the magic
stay?

How much beautiful was it with you
But you're not here, and I still have to move
Oxytocin high - can't let it pass me by
The rainbow after the rain
The rain of my desire

I spend it with myself
with my schizotypal friends
I should be laying on my bed instead...
whispering poems on your ear
It's unnatural, painful in a way
But this rush I have to take

And I substitute all my obsessions
True desire for pornographic sessions
That lack any kind of foundation
The foundation of your pleasure...

It's always you
it's never you

A painful birth took place in my soul
I could see definitely see it all
These realizations chase me all the way
I don't know when they right and when they fail

Because I saw things in the twilight
The map is laid out there for me to see
I don't know yet what it means
But I will, I will always be free

(Now the wound is healed but the scab is fresh
And your behavior doesn't help)

Bradley was talking and I was scraping
His words bring back all that's dead
My fear of things failing between me and my aim
The night following the sun's rays

Because if I have to confront you, confront it
I love you so much I could say
But I'm getting mad today
don't know if it's at you or is it me.

I've already been to this
Lovers to friends and all in between
I just have not the strength anymore
I need to see **** clear.

Hold your pen close to your soul girl keep growing
Must know when the candles are blowing out
Must know when things are falling down
If they distract me from the light
Where the **** is the light
I'm sure it's in the arms of a man

(Every poem is born when you're lonely
You turn to paper in the absence of something else
When friends and lovers just not working
Gotta do a job within yourself.)

And if it has to die, I will hasten it
I have no time for playing games!
Maybe it's just an universal lesson
to live, taste more and cling a little less.

Who knows the ways?

It hurts so much to love both of you
Knowing you are the key to my lock
and my mind is diverting itself, though

I can see for miles, I can feel it all
Pain swallows me - the both of us
Are you cheating on me
Am I cheating on you
Diverted from me - I never denied a thing!
I need you so much
My mind is diverting itself, I point out

The night is pregnant with possibilities
might or not they come true
The night I avoided and drowned in you
My only meaningful night - you, you, you!

My mind is diverting itself
it's like an itch i don't want to scratch
yet it props me up

The promise of danger - in my veins!
******* torture - all over the place!

I'm coming from Pain Lane
a nasty place to stay
but I am bringing back a sack
with the things I could take
so you don't need to go there

I bring beautiful words
I bring an intense sketch
I bring my best! you could say
It's been hell but all you see
is the beauty that I shed

In Pain Lane there's nothing to do
but desperation all the time
but in the space between aching hours
a piece of what you need you find

Dark night of the soul
brings light forward

I'm coming from Pain Lane
it's the price to pay
it's God's payback for the sufferment
that I underwent

and the Sun it shines bright
and you say to yourself,
"Oh, hell, I've been to Pain Lane".
And you should never forget

"The paranoid cannot love"
I saw that answer about the world
So true it hurts

The paranoid cannot love
Because to love is really to trust
No love in those stunted hearts
Questioning what, when and why
instead
Seize the untouchable with your hands!
Do not grab with avarice!
Just with endless delight...

Paranoia rips you and the rest
Makes a death eater out of you
Swallowing all the light, creating distress
A lifetime of suspicion and pain
A lifetime, wasted away
(She exists but she cannot rule the scene)

I won't join that club, because I know better
To forget, to forget - to trust, forever
Not closed to love
Not closed to life, at all.

Waves come and go
But you are not the waves themselves
More words pouring from God's mouth
In the shape of my friends

Paranoid thinking all over the place
I can't perceive its true face
It hides, it eludes recognition
It creeps into my heart
It's all black, no white
It's the devil in disguise

One day up, two down
Two days high, one so low
My mood shifts as paranoia seizes me
Feeling my guts do the old shrinking
My mood shifts and so does the suffering
Tears and wide smiles
I see the Sun, I see it drown
I see it clear, I see it not

They raise you
as a baby, they put mosquito nets
around you not to get stung
because they care
they want to cry when they first
see your face

but it's easy to love someone with no identity
a potentiality, someone without eyes
it's pure, indeed, but I don't want it for me
I see the cracks on the dream,
because the cracks are in my skin

and also, they are deeply afraid
of who you become
when you acquire these eyes
of your own
they are paralyzed, in shock
the tales they bought for you
with their guts bought!
and you need no prince,
and you just need to be free...

Our worlds are light years apart,
but this is it, what it is like, no turning back
So away. We'll never be friends.
Let us not converge. Too much at stake.

Yet they celebrate undercover your smile -
even if they don't really get why
yet they care, still, in a very strange way!

it's true they were your kings most of the time
when you were a baby, you couldn't imagine
this would be your life
and neither do they, in fact
but now we are the same, and we can look each other
in the eye...and you thank them for the effort,
the love that led you astray, the love that wanted you safe
even if you never aspired to such
even if you are the challenge they never asked for

I killed you, it's okay I did
I killed you because I needed to breathe
But we killed this together - partners in crime
And your ghost lingers around

You think you can hide
who you are from my eyes
But I see for miles
what others can't perceive
I see what I can't speak

You think I don't see
but my eyes are cat eyes
You and I are each other's worst fear
I see in the dark

You think you can make me angry again
Throw my life down the sink.
I know it wasn't what you intended it to be
I cannot be flooded out by you
But I cannot let you win

Your little obsessions
that talk of your world
your authoritarian ways
that you can't easily stop
they flow out your mouth
like the air you expel with each breath

I paint a picture of you that's distorted
but not much more than mother's
I paint a picture of you shaped by
all the disappointments you made
only healed by time and efforts on your side
(what is right is right)
but you are who you are
and I am who I am

And you are worried
About your love supply
But as long as there's love
There'll be no shortage of that.

No fear, no fear
As long as you are here with me
Will God grant me
my one true wish

It is the essence of love
to worry a bit much
It is love's toll
You have to gladly pay it all

Love is at a lack for words
Happiness needs no analysis
No thoughts
Sabotaging
Themselves
No more

You're shutting my mouth with love
And I feel different than I did
I see things blurry and a whole lot more clear
In a hurtful light but I am gonna fight
I see freedom, clean
I see my wounds, I see mayhem
(your love turned me upside down)
And in the amidst of this all
I do find peace.

I have to keep looking for it
Whatever it is

Because this quarantine
makes me feel so relaxed it's mad
Why do I need to flee? Flee like this
Why this feeling comes over me?
Flee from love, scared of the city lights

I have to keep looking for it
Whatever it is

I hope you never call back again, I hope you never do
But yet I want you in a muffled way, and I am nervous too
I went serious because it's too much lately
so much **** to write about but the heart is heavy

Perfect vision, hands tied
No way to help what's projected inside my eyes
I wish I could break away the unknown spell
And I think of him, every now and then
Do not repeat the same old evil patterns

Oh, you touch me and I come alive
but then again I'm a gutted girl
Who gutted me, then?
Was it me or was it him

I am like a programmed machine towards crashing
Who programmed me?
Which tracks I am trying to cover?
Who can help me now? Holy water?

It hurts it hurts it hurts
and I wish I could turn a blind eye
but I can't
What happened in my guts?
No more stars - but the ones of hurt

And you hold some keys
it might be the case
but I'm like a ******* maze

The bitterness next to the desire
Love hurts! they say, but I am tired
Like weird sisters they go hand in hand
He is like an open itchy wound and you love that too
Becomes a part of him and you
It becomes the canvas for sickly passionate love
The pain as a way to connect with us
Loving you is bitter, no longer a good plan
Good memories blended with little knives
Good memories not distinguished from bad ones
What a twisted way to fall in love

Jung, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer and me
Lost in translation - lost in the sea
Wandering in the corridors - deathly, sweetly
A rolling wave threatens my head - I fight it this way

The embrace of her philosophy teacher
satisfies her
She's a spark; she'll be on fire
but no one seems to see what goes inside her
Philosophy lover because there's nothing else
than going over and over about the meaning and the pain

Beautiful alien philosopher! Her lover says
but she's so kept to herself
She knows the world by books, not by contact or sense
Now she waves goodbye those days
Where philosophy grew strong but life went astray
and so philosophy lost its way
She craved living, but living didn't take her hand
She was a ticking bomb, could be that

But I declare
you can know the world by wire.
It's like knowing the world
from behind a curtain
Through a glass, in a map
Although I know the accidents
first hand.

So in the end it's philosophy and me.
Growing flowers from concrete.
A definite kind of beauty
at the core of everything

Using people like plasters to drain the blood, the blood pouring from inside
To cover up internal holes...

examine the wound
what do you see
where does the blood come from
what made it bleed
do it over and over again

Was it real? Was it fake?
The blood comes out
But there's doubt
sometimes

sweet plasters in the night
to take away the pain
some truth in all of this,
our plasters can become LIFE

We are all plasters
sweet plasters

Since you left
All I do is to please myself

With any stuff that comes my way
And I don't feel as great
as it was with you, babe
******* and girls and ***** in my bed
Wish you were here, so we had fun
But I am blocking you - saddest part
I am not fulfilled like this, but if this is
what life deals for me
I will kiss that girl Mireia and run with it.

I don't know where this leads
But show me the way quick.
Came with a **** - but ah, chicks like me!
Are they the reflection to my kinks?
All the doubts are back! Again 13!
Dear, take me away from here!
Take me away from me!

Lately there's a rock
bottled up energy in my crotch
and I come every night
but it's not as sweet as it was
Do you come thinking of me? Do you?
Sweetest thing. Wish I could.

I love you...

I want to be your star
Despite the ******* hole in my heart
I want to be your star
so I can benefit from that
I tried to leave the ward
But the ward holds me close at times
You will leave, you will leave
because you cannot handle me
I cannot handle myself!

Can you see above
our names written like I do
Can you see the lines intersecting - I do
Can you see us in the same ship
Are we? Are we?
What am I to you?

God knows I don't want to marry you
But I do want you

The sight of someone else
destroys me whole inside
The sight of you not envisioning what I see
makes me feel weak

And I put away everything for you
Do you see what I see?