I have seen something,
and I just needed you to show me.
I knew it, but ah, like everything this week,
I got swept by it.
Throw away your tarot cards and reject your horoscope,
put out your organized spells and put out your crystal ball
for poetry is the only magic at all

Poetry is the only spell I really know
Can bind or can let go.
How many tears saved, how many things known
just because of well put sentences and words!
It shows the scaffolding of world.
Exposing, watching ****** of the heart
Poetry gives me levels of peace and levels of me
Oh those poor ones who can't see
My night vision - both a curse and a gift
My metal legs - the corolary natural of it

So, stop looking for magic in things
and looking for guides where there is nothing.
Magic lives in your every day scenes
if you are clever enough to see
Poetry is magic, the only I really know
With power enough to bring me gold
from the depths of my soul

So look a little deeper next time
and acknowledge
magic is as close as your hand

Twisted, confused
I could be a poet superstar...
I refuse!

Slowly kicked by OCD
But it shows me things
I could be a poet superstar
Selling books, signing them and stuff.
But I refuse, 'cuz it might **** me inside
It ***** out the poetry in me - keeping me alive
I push myself in my mind - I change my thoughts - I'm upside down
Be a superstar - lose who you really are
Let me follow my own rhythm, and I'll move,
I'll Bloom
I'm not that proactive but it's cool, I'm fine

You all would go mad if you knew what goes inside my mind!
Specially you my jail keepers, my saviors
You want to read my insides but you'll be repulsed by them

What drove me here?
It's pleasure with a knife
I was doing so well
Why did I have to **** up
Who to blame?
Is it the pornographic hell -

And you, you lie there
I want you bad
What is the secret to get out of the maze?
A pressure, a pressure on my chest
And *** is there, but it's not the ******* same

I was doing well,
what happened then?
Do I need a lover, or a nurse?

I seriously do not want to drown
But what is the answer then?
I am drowning maybe, anyway -
I was doing well.
But I won't let myself be ****** under
again

An ******, a God's kiss
is never a thing to miss
but it seems to have lost
the sparkle and the bliss

There is nothing
***
cannot fetch for me!

I open my eyes
I touch God
I see stars
I see the dark
everything fits
I shake
at your touch

Like a gulp of loaded water
Like a violent flash
Restoring the chaos
in my heart
Everything in place
supernovas - through the maze

It's your love
It's the power I've got
It's the world
channeled below

Won't May go please away
It's getting long and dreary and insane
Counting down the days
To see your face, speak your name
Tell you what it has been
Be together again.

And never repeat the mistakes we had
And rejoice in our love which always was.
Yesterday I saw it clear, we could be back
Please, make it happen this time!

I love you so much - this I know
won't we come back - take away this gap
Baby, baby, baby,
never more be afraid of us

We will not break up - this I know
This is the thing lingering in my thoughts

You don't understand
you're full of privilege
and that's what happens with privilege:
one can't even fathom to see
what your fellows do miss

I write here
like I was 15
again
but never again, now I can see,
now I can move, now I can shout
and you're spilling **** through your mouth
and I am silent, can't wait to leave the room at once

mom,
i heard you say "i don't miss anyone"
and that's the big divide
you're having it easy, I'm breaking down

You never dared looked me in the eye
until the doctor told you to do it for my life
and I guess that's the measure of your love
and the measure of your confusion when it comes
to my heart
and still you refuse my tears and my smiles
and it hurts, the divide gets bigger every day
we can't stop it even if it aches
but it feels like divine design, in a sense
and the despondency, then, aminorates

let's survive together
can we? I am not sure
we are not fighting the same at all
but let's respect each other's weight
if it can't be shared

"the chore became my passion"
the passion was always there
my passion my death
there's so much to deal with
I don't think I really can tell

Every piece fits in a kind of way
The kaleidoscope is my way of life
And I get dizzy and tipsy sometimes
The spinning ceiling gives me glory and gives me pain
But it's the way I am made

Listen to all the signals
they all do speak
listen to your body
listen to the gaps in between

I got freed when I hit my head
The blood poured; but I lost my chains
I had nothing to lose so I went ahead...
Why do I replay in my brain things over and over again?
The answer is always to flow
Never force - life finds its own road
The road!
And write poems when in doubt on how.

Why was I able to carry on all the way?
Why did I survive and now I fall apart?
Odin's voice within - call him again

How to sum up what I feel
only now I had you (in a way)
I dare to write it

Who are they? To judge what I deem best
What can a professional ******
tell me about steamy beds?
Who are they? Anyway
I thought they were my friends
But I always confuse terms -
(my story is the story of the confusion
of a girl)

And why am I bound to them
was it fate
was it chance
it was years I felt this unwell

Confront your fears
but run away
from beasts

I float away
right now
I wish I floated on
your arms
It hurts it hurts it hurts
I am torn
Back to the old
I felt strong -

Just drop me a line
or a word
that will be enough
and if not
it does not matter,
no OCD in this heart.

Just love, love, love
and all those pretty things
they seem to be unaware of
I will open their eyes
But I am this alien,
I can't fake it

It happened once
so it can happen twice
If you could reach the sky,
it can happen again, no doubt
you can

Yeah, you failed once
and it could also happen twice.
But after you fell, twice, too,
you will rise again.

She is a recycled ****** faithful to her roots, on overdrive (she thinks high)
She's a little narcissist with tears in her eyes
Sometimes

She is unstimulating dead at the core I avoid her corpse, sick to my bones
Words fail me to describe her
She inhabits a ***** smelly drawer
Her life is a string of disaster but ah not like mine
She doesn't try hard
"She's not one of us"

I thought we would be the world
but that was before
the doors
And I have tried to taper you off
Like a drug you should have never known
But you're blind and addicted and starving for love

And I shook inside
for your pain was mine
Siamese twins
Of wards and tears
But different DNA and breed

So I have to carry on fighting
and the fact it's you I hurt.
But ah, you put yourself easily
You had it coming, you see
Like a prey
And I had no idea I could ****.

Am I going psychotic again?
Astray, misled
Will I be saved?
Losing the compass I gained?
Everyone visiting me in my sickly bed
Taking care of me while I shake in pain
Friends saying, you'll get better, if you wait
My love, saying he's always there...

In my sickly, mind foggy bed
the Sun shines in anticipation of the next day
but we never really know
tomorrow is elusive, but it's all we've got

The nurse's room is heaven
when hell lives within
But you gotta dream with a life
outside of it

My brain does not fit the sentences anymore
I can't hear the rhythm, so who cares about words
Am I sinking under again? I felt it in my bones
I did not know truth from fake more
And I am going back on my steps, which hurts so
I hope God saves me, from the fire of psychic death

Am I losing my mind? Not knowing where I stand
And every path is darkened, and every move hurts
And confuses and carries death
I hope I can be saved - reborn again
cleanse my sin - because I killed myself

And no words can tell
what I am enduring these days
it seems empty, repetitive ****
as repetitive as my thoughts spinning within

Sometimes I can see
The shadow of all we've been

Lost and confused
Separate and diffuse
You are pulling away from me
Is it, is it true?

If everything is going back in time
so can we
But I can't go back because
I am not the same chick

We are big but we come from the ground
My birth was hard but it was worth it all
Your birth was getting rid of your befores
I want to keep swimming with you - kiss each other not to choke

Are we pulling away
Each on our own way
I can't take this again
But if it comes, nothing left to say

You thought that I would do that!
Accept a life that's not a life
Live a life without a flower crown
I was born to have one
I was born to explode, to become

I have superpowers!
(Sometimes I do think)
I don't know where they come from
My life is a patchwork by fate and myself done
And I must admit - right
I need to control them sometimes
It is so intertwined in me
sometimes I just can't see
But you won't tame me ever
I am just getting better

I have been ****** up.
Still, I am. I might not get -totally- out
But it won't get so far.
I have been the lowest. Asleep for too long.
But taking back my steps - making the time count

You thought that I would bow down?
That I'd be an ugly event in my own life?
No one is shooting **** into my veins
No one is putting me in restraints
Took so long, to find my place!
No Xeplion to make me a good girl
or lower my self
No one is making me less
I am growing stronger every day!

And none of you are right
and neither am I
the answer is always more complex
than a diagram can process

You might say I am winning
but I never understood that
I am a proud loser, never fit in
Not even now, now is the least
Adjust my eyes
correct my visions
acknowledge the stars
do not erase them - just allow me to
be able to walk
and enjoy
that myriad of stars

Poems reflect and créate
their own states of mind
be aware what it is you write
it might change your life

I will go into the cold, lonely night
With you on my side, with you on my mind
If we have to go through this again,
still we won't ever die.

My friend Brad said to get ready
for the coming storm
that's why I am kissing you so hard
that's why this night shouldn't end
that's why
I gleam like a demi Sun today

I have become Gertrude - that old widow
I keep men close, you're still a fresh corpse.
You might be mourning me but maybe you won't.
I don't do it out of desperation, or love gone wrong
I do it because I gotta move on

And I've got a hole yearning to be filled
And I discovered, there was no hole in reality
It hurts, sometimes it really does
It's your judgement chastising my existential lust
You try to punish me because I am alive
Was Gertrude such a *****? Or did she already cry enough?
Is Gertrude in her room with her hand below
I am the *****, the unsensitive one - for once
You hurt me much! I had to get my life back!
You died, it's true - you killed it with your hand

This might be a new round
for us
I never thought
I would end up
here
The irony in these facts
But now I'm queen of hearts
Now I'm the keyholder and you all are just trying to catch
Now I am the wife
I am her, my name is Kate
You are him, don't hurt too many in the way!
Hurt me not
I'm nothing but a pawn
because I'm not that strong
no matter the diamonds
on my crown

It's not a matter of holding crowns
but holding hearts...

Free yourself of that fire that's burning you; with water not from me.
Let it soothe you; get rid of the itch.
Let it ride high, your desire
To know I can only touch
With my fingertips I grasp
The ocean lying deep

You are moving in circles demented and small
You can witness the shore, but you never go
You get lost but you can see your home
there's a way out
because you are not fully gone

I follow no line
only mine
as crazy and twisted
for your eyes
as it is,
as freeing and exhilarating
as it feels

Radical lover
Radical little one
that's me
and that's my revolution
that's my solution
My fierceness comes from
a total sweetness, a gentle core
I am my own creation, and God's

I am many things at the same time
They don't clash; they hold hands
I am a ball of contradictions
fitting and looking at each other with
eyes amazed
it all makes perfect sense

You don't understand me
I don't care
You will some day
or you won't, but I'll be
smiling
the same
riot to keep laughing
laugh to keep rioting

Give me rawness, go
This is no way to keep on
I've cried and sweated and felt a lot
Give me raw ***, raw love

Can I change my ways?
Can we try it again?
I love you more when I think I don't
But the truth is, I love you whole...

I will think of us.
I won't get wasted on this.
I will come back with an answer on my lips.
Can I come back now that I lost everything?
Or so it seems...
Why was I able to feel you so deep
in the shadows of my despair?
I held the key
But the demons are after me

I see the patterns
but I can't spot the answers
Happiness needs to be found
never sought after

Where does this trail of whatever lead
Am I veering towards the easy deadly?
Do I have to fight again
For my identity

Every night is a triumph and a struggle
I am going higher and going lower and lower
Where is the truth?
Somewhere I held it in my hand
without looking at it, no intention at all
but it flees from me
this is what made me truly lose it

All the guessing and the imagining
the plotting, the theorizing
to explain what really makes us crazy
Reality is problematic

What does my heart say?
It yearns your kiss but I just can't cheat
What does my mind say?
Leave at once - try to stay

He is the devil - he is an angel
He turns me on - he drags me down
to darker paths and darker deeds
If he was you -if you were him
all my problems would be done
Why don't you get gone?
Out of my *******, away from my thoughts

I can't be your lover - not that way!
You turn grubbier by the minute
If you were him, if he was you
I would not be here languishing
I'm in tatters with it everything!

I am undergoing some kind of process
some kind of new-old current
Do I have to grab someone's hand to jump
What is the answer to this ripping out my guts?

Why do you appear now?
My old darling, I kicked you out!
What do you want from me this time?
Oh, God, you make me so high
Your *** - even if only in my mind
so nice, never fails to give me chills

Because when I am without you
I feel much lighter
I can float, I get high
in arms that treat me right
The world smiles in a whole new way
it looks better, and they say
so do I

Because you're no solution
You are no ******* answer
You are the Moon stirring problems
You're a dream turning into a nightmare

Because you never really loved me
I gave you all, you gave barely something

I will never fully recover from you
I am in rehab for this, I do
All I can aspire is to obliterate and block you
The kick of the drug will never lose its allure
Because our memories are scorching
and hot
and steamy
and intense and pathetic
and what not

So I won't give in to you
You are fading, you are a bad habit
My cigarrette when I am too stressed
You're a little vice that carries nowhere
You are a memory that stings profound
You're a masturbatory motif, if at all
That's you.
Nothing more.

My life
they'll never understand
My life
they'll never approve
be through what I am through

My *** covered stars,
my riot inside

All I've been
all I was
All I'll be - do we know?

The wall is there, to hurt and to heal
To isolate me and make me live
My crazy overflowing mind
To my hell, to my heaven I will bind
My tiny hurricanes
My knocking dreams, my nightmares
My ****** thoughts, but love
The budding *****
My ****** hair
All my ecstasy all my pain
All the things they will never get
Do you, my man?

Life is risk
Life is pain
Life is - blood stain
It's not my fault if you can't see the gift
it's not my fault if you can't see it's big
that the solution to the fear lies inside of it

When I was hidden in my cocoon
my body stiff and frozen, nothing moved.
Now I am out, the outside hurts.
It snows, it is terribly hot, it burns,
it hurts, it hurts.
I'm under it! The weather is mad
And I would give anything
(because I am in fear)
to run away from
but it's not my fault
I have to see the whole
I have to have it all

life is risk
the uncertainty, that always is
we all end up stitched with a few wounds
life is pain
the forces driving you everywhere
the questions stand for themselves
you cannot be alive without accepting death

life is guts, milk spilled on the floor
life is dangerous for the heart
yet it is the only way to go
Do not be a martyr; because life
is not a punishment
I chatted angels that forbid my freak
I befriended Puck and he set me free
Life is a gift
laced with tears -
sometimes filled with contrary feels

I was 23
Too old to fall in love like a teen
But I had to begin right from the point
I left it
And now I find we are
in a place I know from back in time

This romantic friendship is nothing new to me
And it's not gonna hurt, unlike anything

Ache makes me write
And this romantic friendship
Is everything and nothing
at the same time
(that's the crux of life)

This romantic friendship
this unhealthy dynamic
This getting high on you
minus the body
It's not poetry
what I am craving
but it's poetry what I am getting

I've been here before
and it was 5 seconds before sunrise
so I better wait, right?

You ****** me up
But so will he!
And if I have to choose one way to die
Maybe I'd choose your existential problems
Maybe I'd choose your overdone libido
Maybe I'd choose your sweet gun

This romantic friendship
is what fills me when there's no him
even if no bed
We are turned to a kind of sunshine
cut below the waist

I am not behaving wisely
but neither do you!!
******* everything up
when things were right for once

There is a pattern in the sky
I can touch it and it hurts
There is a pattern in my mind
I see shadows, I never stopped being mad
I only got stronger, but my calling never stopped
I see stuff - only all the time
Am I mad, or am I just high
-eyes wide open-

I don't love you, I swear
but hands tied, this is my best
I am gagged - and probably used again

To be rootless
to be boundless
to be free
to have no rules or regulations
no affiliations, no thing

And seek everything in any way you can
To spin the roots of your own
every time

I became rootless once
I severed the roots with a knife
It hurt, it hurt,
it wasn't real, though
(Because I wasn't rootless. I simply had been
amputated, and things still were,
so I could miss,
and I was head deep in ****)

When did people ever
do a thing for you?
They just speak and *****
and make you feel sick
They don't really deserve to be killed
or slit
just go rootless
let them exist

Am I talking about chains
am I talking about roots
hard to tell
between them two

There is a wall between me and them
but I don't give a ****
There is no communication anymore
between the straight world and I

Some roots they do squeeze your lungs
Some roots so strong you cannot move
I severed them; they severed themselves
I am rootless; but I am fed everyday

and
I've never been so happy.
I've never been so fruitful.
Rootless plant can fly
Removing the superfluous branch
to go deeper underground

You could have been my star
But guess what, you did not want
You slipped from my sky
You slipped from my chaos
could eat us alive
I needed to slip from it too
but you did not come back
and that's good.

I gave you my heart,
I felt it helplessly all the time
I could not understand
what went on most of the time
but my heart was rotten
this I didn't know
I was gifting you my all
but my all was venomous
but my all was wrong
it wasn't enough!
but it is all I have
please lovers take my hand
this broken heart
is all I really can have
it mends on its own
it needs no nurse or doc
just eyes...and hands
and love,
and love,
and love,
that word I cannot stand
that word I really don't understand
what we crave
what makes us great
salvation in a trap
the hidden treasure
that we obtain in magic,
fabulous ways

Something's rotten in my soul
I can hear it silently roar
It makes me idle,
It makes me mute, it makes me numb

Writing a poem - like accomplishing a duty
I need the unload, the freeing
There is a bad soul, within my body
I want to kick this affair,
Get real - I got used to smiling

I am swimming in oblivion
and
I try to find the words
but everything flees and so does my heart

Who decides what is good?
I cannot make up my mind anymore
I've already misunderstood
the whole scheme laid out for us

We are there
We kiss, we touch, we ****
there's nothing going on with us
this love keeps us going
but it's not enough
but we are motion frozen
frozen in sweet words
there's something
going in our backs
that we know of
even if we don't speak about it
But we'll rub till it bleeds.

Bitter symphony of love gone wrong
of dreams held so long
that started to wither and we acted like
we didn't know

I have been feeling it for months,
all my anxiety and all my deep, unconfessable songs.
My vices of the heart.
That prop me always up.

Something's rotting with us
with you
with me
What are we going to do to save this?

No more chasing each other through telegram
No more quick meetings like we were each other's drug
No more hickeys to hide from Dad
Now it's all painful in a way
it's all dead in a way
maybe it's me dying
with the relationship instead

I was there for a few months.
I saw a light coming on.
But now I don't see us, no.

What are we going to do with this?
This avalanche of feelings and thoughts
it will surely leave a mark
oh no!

We watched Ruby Sparks
My whole life flashing in front of my eyes
A quite unstable kind of day

Can you see me
no you can't do because you ain't him
or is it just I don't allow you to peek?

I am Calvin, I am toxic
I am Ruby, I am submissive
I am reduced to you if you don't stop me
I will feed my problems on your image
(Why am I even thinking of you right now
where does it lead?)

But back when we were one
it was the same old brick wall
I can be loved, but I never allow anyone too close
This tangle of thorns I never fully show
because they could get lost and so I would too

This is going to crash
This ****'s sure gonna crash
I don't see anything clear now
My head aches

And you might grow inside of me
even if now it seems the roses will never spring
You planted a seed
but he's a big old oak tree

I feed the monster every day
I have affection and lust for you
but can I stay?

And it's the mood of the day
Thinking of you all the time
Confused, torn between two men
Who'd have known at 13!
(The lonely, virginal girl
who sleeps with demons in her bed)
You're bitter, you're sweet
I certainly don't want you here
But oh, you creep...

You lingered today in my thoughts
Maybe I was broken, and that was all
But same old strong
same old love?

I hold on to you
wish I knew what for
(but there's a truth though)
Wish I understood and unfold
Wish I could do right
My dad's getting angry about some crap
I have a lot in my mind
Not sorry that I am

I've been thinking of running to Cape Town
Or anywhere for that matter
All that matters
is getting away from disaster

Run away somewhere they don't know my name
where I can forget and dream away the pain
The place it's all the same.
Feel new air and take deep breaths.
Bustle and hustle in new relaxed ways.
Talk the nights away with my friends.

I would run away -away is the key word-
because this is too much to take
give me another blackout from tough reality
another sweet oblivion, forgetting and forgiving

So I am not moving from here.
but as soon as I can, I will get free
from my boundaries and my ache
and I will fly somewhere
I can start again, with or without you
I just need myself.

Those are my racing thoughts
That's my guilt, my rabies, my hopeless love
My freedom tears me up but I need it most

Together with you
through all the trouble
because of the trouble
despite the trouble!

I cheated on him with you - why?
I wonder, while we are taking flight
the guilt kicks in, and I think
about how much I hate you, but it's not real
what I hate is I might get caught
I'm repentant but persistent on my sins

You're a deaf beat
on my heart
I don't want to listen, but you're around
You're the articulating sound
and the disconcerting tune

And woe of a sudden
forgets my name
(and I forget hers)
when the blood drips down my legs
"I am safe now"
I am saved, am I?
I ran away to London
and it was so nice
Yet you can't run away from life

Fill your nothingness inside
with a lot of hearts, a lot of lives
lose your mind
run naked in an open street
before death

Let your hair down
even if you are bald
Live your life to the fullest
even when you're gonna die
Make a journal with experiences
under the sun
under the dark

Wait for your shiny new gun to come
I hope it arrives on time
and it still works fine
My shiny new gun
I will **** them all, too

Oh, sapphic ghost
I am there with you
I never thought you'd be back
10 years after all that
Shapeshifter, but I know your act

You're not my friend
I am not one of you girls
Pretty girls with the short hair
and kisses below the waist
but I gravitate
to the grey line where you play

Am I losing depth
Am I losing myself
I found myself in a black pit
had to get out anyway

I have been mistaking
things all along
but isn't making mistakes
what this life is for?

Carried to the easy
carried to the grave
it's an oasis
where slowly creeps in death

But you can't fix it with a thought
Only energy will fill that hole
You like girls - what's wrong?
What's wrong - I miss a man's touch

I know the secrets to the universe - one day at a time

Every Saturday and holiday I spend here
seems to reanimate my fears
what are we, what are we?
Are we?

Would things be better
if it didn't exist
that it

Every Saturday makes me wonder
where is he
without me
echos of mom's voice resonate within
making me feel weak
is there a lack of commitment
he's sweet, sweet, quintessential delight for me
but he leaves me missing in the phone
feeling slightly like my heart broke
what is missing in our pic
what is wrong with us
is there anythin' I cannot see

Saturdays are tense
with the promise of something else
Mother stares at her plate
Father can't stop talking
and I lie in my tension

Saturdays are tense
with the shadow of the past
of the embryonic, of my life

Saturdays are waiting on an edge
Of other people's doubts
Saturdays are a loaded gun
With nothing to shoot but air...

Saturdays are happy days
but not today

I shut myself
Because it all hurted
too much
did I make it ache?
I have no clue yet

I felt us die
so I grabbed the knife
Before it harms me
I'll harm it myself

So many thoughts that poison
and I can't turn them off
they promise to save me from this
but all they do is making me bleed
always the same with ******* saviors

Saw the world - saw it whole
No hit - just the feeling of it all
It came to me, so pure

Like a heavenly light in front of my eyes
I saw order, cosmos in this bunch of my life
A chaos inside about to burst
in pink shades and dream dust!

Feels like I've grown and learnt
A healed wound on its way
A turning point in my existence
No more severed legs.

And it wasn't so dark
and it wasn't so grey
I was so close and so away
In the perfect point to watch
the Universe

I can see the horizon of the other shore
and it screams you're safe, you're home
it says get rid of your chains
jump in and take a dip on these days

I am a scared whole new girl
This is who I am, then...

I haven't seen you yet,
and I haven't seen myself
but this is an anticipation
of what you might get

First things first:
I never went to Sweden with him
but my dreams still live,
whoever wants to, can join me

My man left me; I left him after
I became queen Gertrude, and it felt good...
It takes courage to do what you must do

I am not all addicted to his drugs no more
I am kicking the vice...and I have a new one
***** the tears and the pain I had
It just takes new shapes, is he willing to abide?
I am taking a chance, I am moving on
I am happy - although I don't really know

I know only 4 months have passed
what you'll find is a different lass
(I am closer to me in every step I take and
my crazy style ain't going ever away)
but a lot more...grown up, about to crash
about to explode
like fireworks in the sky
like overheated dynamite

But I enjoy the blows I'm given
I am scared as ****, but that won't make me
ever stop

And I am ready to join you again
Because I am not obsessed
with making friends this year
I don't think as much as I did:
that's a strong point for me

This wasn't planned at all
but sometimes life plots ahead
showing you what it is about
but rarely letting you down

I sign off; I do not know
what you will find
but you will find something better
than I was last time
Uncertainty at its peak
But I can put up with it

Psychotic Poetess (you don't really know
who I am)

Where on Earth do I belong
or is it outer space
I am not Lauren Tate
I am not like anyone I met
But there must be a place
Or is outer space?
All weirdos belong somewhere
And it is not the loony bin
or your room locked for days

Mother do you see me
do you perceive only a tiny bit
Do you see me come alive
with my pens and when I write
Do you finally accept
what you sired back then?

Etsy freak
Courtney Love wannabe
Look at that ****** *****!
They will scream such things
I might be a narcissist
-never mind, I am an artist-
But can I light up the way
of those who cry like once I did?
Is it my calling? Is it my fall?
What do I do with this rush?
I know the answer - keep on riding
keep on living, write it out
paint it up
**** hard

I'm a schizotypal in Babylon
Struggling to find my place in the world
The buildings are beautiful God is in every Stone
The lust of Babylon swallows me whole

And I fight, I fight
to get a hold of that
Violently open violently closed
I want to live a life but oh...

Oh this city is not brazen it is solid gold
It is so earthy and moving and funny
A rush of blood spreading through the body
There are men and women in every corner
and they speak of love with luscious tongues

And it's a battle, 'cuz I am limp
but the city lights, they're calling me
I try, I try, but I cannot stop trying

A schizotypal in Babylon
I belong here but sometimes IDK
Sometimes I can feel the huge gap and divide
But I refuse to think I cannot take this ride

I'll do it my way, I always did
but no one's kicking me outta here
A schizotypal in Babylon
in the city of God

No I don't want to be hidden in my room anymore
Well, I do, but I don't want to hide from my thoughts
I want to be who I am who I get to be
Slaying demons - a schizotypal queen

I don't want to feel inertia drowning my bones
That deadly peace I had going on
I want to feel it deep feel it true be who I used to
But what if you leave? Too attached to you
It seems natural, and good
but we are torn in two
But oh, I was in love with you
But oh, what to do?
Am I too?

This standby - what the **** is it about?
I will use it for good
I will wait for you
I won't lose
this time
I will win
as a schizotypal queen

I need to be
the schizotypal queen
owning my many triumphs
not giving in
I have never been as me
as I have been with you
I am who I am, didn't have to try
Now you draw a line, you say it's for good

Can we take it back
can we, can we, can we
I am the schizotypal queen
and was even more so when you were with me
I am the schizotypal queen
And I can make it happen again,
I guess.

I can feel the magic
My schizotypal thoughts get the best of me
No tarot cards, no divination tools
No crystal ball, only my all
I carry the power inside my heart
I am a complicated machine: I don't wish any other thing

This happened because it carries a meaning
I guess in the end it all makes sense.
My schizotypal being sometimes makes me high
Feel patterns behind my own eyes.

I listen to the rhythm of the universe
slow and fast and weird (and self referential of course)
indescribable but so close
and so beautiful in the days of sun
and so deep when the torrential rains come
and tears of joy, and shrieks of love
and a rhythm you can't stop!
and always there
alive
telling you to stay
to carry on fighting
to hear its song
whispering your name

I have to walk along with this wound
turning to scar sometimes, at last
I didn't choose it, but it seems to be it
I am not my illness; but it walks along me

And I have to come to terms with it every morning
It sabotages me and makes me strong.
I can't kick it. It is like a smothering rope, around my chest.
I am not my illness; but we are united bitterly

Lover or nurse - don't make me choose!
My illness came to make the most of me
It was something I had to touch with my hand
She's a topic to explain,
She's something I can't explain quite well
Yet she is there
I am not my illness; I will get free
Drown my hands in this rabbit hole
till I reach MY SOUL

Scott, ****** torture
Singing on my computer screen
Scott, my only vice
A sweet remembrance of being a teen

In your tight clothes and dapper look
You get my attention pointing at you
You speak to me about my past, the guys I would have banged
I would kiss those lips! Take off that shirt!
Stare at you for hours
it's what I would
Would I? As a teen
I spent my days singing to guys like you
who sing songs like me
That take my anguish and make it pretty
That make me feel less alone in the world
Scott, a photograph from the past
Scott, present right now
Scott, a symbol more than a person
Awakening now with me?
Of all I was, all I am, all I will

Hear me scream!
Hear me wail!
I am alive
I said!

This anger lives with me
but it's not destructing me
how to explain the hard equilibrium
in which souls like I live
it's making me move my limbs
hear us scream
the unwanted
the troubled
the disabled
hear us exist
we are here! We won't hide our face anymore
We can do it, granted, so you know
As Babes In Toyland speak this secret to me
we'll live in your margins, but we'll never die
beauty and truth lie in the garbage bins of the world
if the world doesn't know, it's not our fault.

Hear us scream!
Hear us survive!
Hear us dream!
Chase our star!
We are loaded with stars!
In this pandemónium
we shine!

I see a sea of love
this time don't want to let it go
All the days were golden
or at least they weren't as I thought them

I see it clear at last
please don't give up
on this crazy lass
that loves you so much

Please hear me sing
hear me moan your name
hear me something
don't run away

I see a sea of love
that was always there for me
you were truth 24/7
and I was stuck on wrong narratives
And it fits, so it must be real

(Be not scared of my ways
I simply write about anything)

You left me "seen"
I just don't want to force things
But there's something amiss
Your kiss
And I wait incessantly for it
The honeypot came close to my lips
and finally I have nothing
"I could get used to this"
I was expecting, I know your love
but ah! I needed to be told!
Where is love? When you need it
When you are waiting
with your palms open wide
and nothing falls this time
from the sky
I know - it's with us
So answer, answer, answer now
Let me, let me know
I love you, love you so
I was waiting for your love, but ah, you left me seen.

(And I know this is nothing
I know it with my heart
but this is a worldwide feeling
in times like ours. It's not so painful,
not such a big thing,
just a little pimple,
an itch!)

My poems are witchcraft to my brain
I do sorcery with anything
But today, it seems to slip
I am away, away from me

"I am stuck"
Remember the last time you said that?
You drowned deep down in your mind
I am missing the sap
I am missing something, I fear so much

Maybe the solution is simply to let go
This little inconvenience to hold.
World is what you make of it.
Don't make a fuss.

I'm inside out
And everything is haunted now

Those little obsessions
that I will never leave
they will leave me
why can't that be?
It is once, but today the rain
clouds the Sun

Look at me in the eye
The answer somewhere lies
You will find, you will find,
rest assured, you troubled lass.
Do not worry about the bottom of life!
There is no light -
(Save your words, they hold none)