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Court Aug 2015
So
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  Aug 2015 Court
Ray carty
All we have are rainy days,

all of our love is filled with pain,

all of our joy has been washed away,

and right before us is a stream of tears

a river cried out by you,

because of our tensions similar to the cold war

our cold fighting turn to hot

but then cools down and then were back,

to just spitting words that burn like a blazing fire

melts our ears like acid, and pierces our hearts like a spiraling arrow man,

these rainy days that we are in, this down pour and these hard winds,

our love is  a battlefield we're at war and it hurts

and we spread our wings but we don't seem to soar,

this hurricane has been here for days, over our heads,

spinning us into a depression, its like a straight line that we just can't bend

but still we apply pressure, though you try your best to change

you're in love with your sin,

as that good feeling from something so wrong haunts you,

paws at you pleading like a puppy waiting,

purring like a cat in anticipation, knowing that you are just saying,

you won't do it.

but yet you still get caught up in its draft and go back

and just like that our temporary peace breaks

and our demilitarized feelings get militarized once more,

and as we draw our swords and pull out our guns,

we hit each other like atomic bombs and ruin our land of love,

or at least our little figment of how it seems to be,

and we war and war for what seems like no end,

with words and your fists, but I don't bite back,

not even when I should, cause you've done it so many times,

you still blow away my urging mind,

and this fantasy I have in my mind of how our love should be

I knew we were meant to be,

but this fantasy is dwindling

and I pray it don't, now a wish

as I out this fire that we have spread,

this wildfire which goes on and seems as if there is no end,

our rainy days sees some sun,

but can we stand the rainy days......

until the sun comes.
Court Aug 2015
1.I miss the way you laughed at my singing because you felt I always "tried too hard."

2. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder. It meant you cared. But now it means something else.

3. I miss how awake and alert you are in the morning. I miss pushing you and your too much energy self off because I wasn't awake enough yet.

4. I miss your sarcastic jokes that were always followed by a hug and a "I love you" with a chuckle.

5. I miss how silly our conversations were. We talked about everything and anything. You would say "How the hell did the universe come up with you?"

6. I miss the more deep conversations. You looked at the ground while my fingertips drew circles on your back. Your eyes would close and you slowed your breathing. I miss the stillness and that silence. Theres nothing I wouldn't give to trade this silence for that silence.

7. I miss the play fighting. I remember one time someone said "At first, I thought you guys were being serious but then I saw the way he looked at you." If only you could look at me like that again. Like nothing else mattered.

8. I miss your arms and the way it made me feel like I spent all of my life being in the wrong places. The only place, the one place, I belonged was in your arms.

9. I miss your awful jokes. I miss laughing not because I thought it was funny but because you said it and nothing made my heart feel more joy than you.

10. I miss you. I miss the amount of pride I felt standing next to you. I miss the fighting and the screaming and the slamming doors and the making up and the heartache and the pain. It was everything and nothing. It was painful but wonderful. It was all that I imagined love to be. I can't seem to say goodbye but I know you want me to.
I break everything I touch and maybe that is why this never worked.
Court Aug 2015
As you know there is a part of me that has been suffering for awhile.
And I have tried so hard to push away these feelings of hatred out of my mind
but there is this void inside my heart that hasn't been filled.
When I met you it started to get better.
I started to smile again.
But being with you didn't fill the void that only self love can fill.
I thought that you would be able to fix me.
I thought that if you loved me enough that I would start to love me too.
but I was wrong.
Nobody can fix me except me.
I can't truly love anybody until I love myself and this is so hard to say.
Its hard because I'm hurting but I'm also hurting for you.
I picture you reading this and it breaks my heart.
This is so unfair to you.
But at this point in my life I have to help myself.
You did nothing wrong. This is all my fault and my problems.
You just loved me and you loved me so much that I couldn't bare the thought of being anything less than perfect for you.
This just isn't healthy. I need to get my thoughts back to a healthy place.
Please don't hate me.

1 5 3.
1 5 3 means I adore you btw.
Yes I sent this.
Yes I know its not fair to break up over text but this was already extremely difficult to text.
Court Jul 2015
I watch tv to get my mind off you.
Three pills should clear my mind.
I shouldn't be reminded.
I don't want to remember the tears that fell when we figured out that this would never work.
I don't want to think about that goodbye kiss that tore every ounce of confidence in love I"ve ever had.
You said "I love you" as you kissed every memory away.
This isn't how things we supposed to end.
But we are emotionally damaging.
The more we try the more we fail.
We are trying to fight for what we had 8 months ago.
Its time to cut the rope in this tug of war.
Court Jul 2015
I should tell you I pull away from hugs that last longer than 3 seconds.
I should warn you that my anger gets the best of me when I start to feel something.
It takes me awhile to adjust.
You're gonna have to be patient with me.

I know it may be hard to understand but my heart lets go before it even gets a grip.
I may not talk alot about my life but know that I am trying.
I  have been hurt so much before.
Try to be patient with me.

I've been down this road before and it left me with scars
so don't fret when my body tenses up when you grab my hand.
I'm starting to learn that the touch from a man isn't always full of empty promises and hurtful intentions.
You're gonna have to learn to be patient with me.
Court Jul 2015
Reminding myself  of all the ways you made me feel alive is what is killing me now.
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