why am I always so afraid?

it didn’t take much to get him mad. one wrong word and he’d erupt like a volcano, destroying everything in his path. how could you ever think it was okay to let your children know by heart the sound their mother makes when she’s pushed down the stairs? one night the mirror at the bottom cracked, a shard lodging itself into the centre of her forehead. this is a sign, i would’ve said if i was old enough to understand. take a reflection back on why you still think you need him. i haven’t talked to him in four years but it doesn’t make much of a difference, the seed of our last name still sprouts in my heart like an arsenic root. i wonder what he’s doing now, i’ve spent the time trying to fit into the holes in the walls that the beer bottles left. i don’t know anything about him except the colour of his anger and how he could never open up without the turn of a corkscrew. if his point was to teach his children never to touch alcohol, he got the point across. one night in our house was enough to understand that. he’d throw full bottles at the walls, saying he had a tough day, but the stains on our carpet still say he never loved us. maybe, i told them, the day he drove away for good, if we had the potential to **** him he might’ve loved us just as much.

Inside the room, alone I wait.

Chained and gagged, to depreciate.

I hang here, every day,

I just want

To waste away.

My ears are gone,

From my eyes I bleed.

What did I do? What sinister deed?

My skin is so white
Sickly pale
For I am not Snow White

My lips are ruby red
Coated in blood
For I am not Snow White

My head with dark curls
Thoughts not hair
For I am not Snow White

My kindness to animals*
People shun me*
For I am not Snow White

We fell in love
In the summer
And as the colors changed,
He did too.
Only,
His change was not as beautiful
As the choreography
Of red, orange, and yellow leaves,
But rather the remains
Of the dead tree branches,
Leaving only
Cold,
Empty,
And eerie thoughts
Whistling in the autumn wind.

I'm sorry* your inbox is all me
I'm sorry I'm so **** needy
I'm sorry I'm afraid of everyone leaving
I'm sorry I say yes and then I say no
I'm sorry I beg you to stay then I go
I'm sorry I'm the sun then the moon
I'm sorry I'm so confused
I'm sorry I'm addicted to abuse
I'm sorry I hate being used
I'm sorry  I'm toxic
I'm sorry  I'm me

My back with a two degree spinal curve is not quite flat against the wall
My tall but not tall enough height puts me just below your six-one chin
My small, pianist hands are easily held to the side by just one of yours
My dancers legs refuse to part but that's not what you're here for
My long neck is the target as you stand amid the congret I long to fade into