Edna's Humorous Poems - Hello Poetry

Oct 2015

Edna Sweetlove

God was tired that day
After all
Six days shalt thou labour
And on the seventh
Shalt thou rest
And he'd be slaving away
For eighteen days nonstop
Mainly because of the offer of
Double overtime.

He'd written out these great rules
On how to live,
All eleven of them.

And he yelled out
"Oy Moses, you fat bearded ***,
I got some tablets of stone for you"
And Moses came out of the pub
And picked up the first ten
But, being a bit the worse for wear,
And nine sheets to the wind
With cut-price passover wine,
He never noticed the eleventh one.

"Never accept a personal cheque
Without a bank guarantee card"
Is what it said,
And you can't argue with that.

#god

Sep 2015

Edna Sweetlove

A Fairy Life

Nobody loves a fairy when's he's fifty
Nobody likes a fairy, old and grey;
And no one loves a bumboy when he's sixty
Wanking in a toilet, fat and gay.

And when a fairy gets as old as seventy
He can't get rough trade any more
And if he finally makes it through to eighty
His dilated **** will be very sore.

#gay #explicit #buttocks #**** #******* #**** #bumboy

Aug 2015

Edna Sweetlove

A Message from the Blessed Pastor Grovell

I know I am saved and
My salvation is assured, so:
"*******!" to all ***-SINNERS!
Even as the flames of hottest Hell
Roar in the depths
Thumping like an electric toilet
Urging defecation on sinners
The hot turds going round the bend
Beastly beyond thought
And pumping foulness
Beyond any thought of salvation
Like a great big huge boil of oozing pus
Eager and willing to perish in the flames of Hell
With a cry of Hallelujah! and a cha-cha-cha.

Aug 2015

Edna Sweetlove

**** (25W)

The only **** I ever attended was sadly a **** one
so I couldn't participate for moral reasons
and my bumboy-friend was with me anyway.

#gay #25w #hunour

Aug 2015

Edna Sweetlove

Memories of Amsterdam

This is the very first of my "Barry Hodges' Memories" poems.*

People think that Amsterdam is an exciting city,
Full of life, full of fun, full of cheap beer and drugs
And easy to buy thrilling ******* **** films galore.
But there is another side to this Dutch metropolis
Believe me, I know, I have been there, squire,
And I have seen it in all its drug-filled horror.

I was there one balmy eve, just off the Leidseplein,
With my older brother, a kind and gentle man
(although physically not very pretty),
When a gang of Surinamese youths,
Sky-high on crack *******, or whatever filth,
Attacked us, mugged us, use what words you wish,
It doesn't matter, the result was the same.

And they left him lying there in the gutter,
His skull cracked and seriously brain-damaged,
And for what, I hear a myriad voices query,
Well only a few hundred lousy over-valued Euros.
He dragged out a miserable half-alive existence,
For a few Hellish months in the city hospital;
Dear God, I shall not be going to Amsterdam again
(with or without a Dutch cap, may I add tentatively).

As a result of intense praise from many people, I have been encouraged to write a whole series of poems about my memories of various cities. You will be interested to learn that I posted this poem on another poetry website and received some most sympathetic comments. I reproduce the comments below so you may see how some good and simple people have been moved by my words:

"American papers are filled with such gruesome events, as well. It is a violent world we live in. Blessed are we to have a safe haven to meet with like minded people and share our words in such a positive way. I am sorry for the terrible loss of your brother." (from an American reader, 28/11/2007)

"A terrible tale indeed Barry, and I extend my sympathies to you on the fate of your brother. However, I do not think this sort of thing is confined to Amsterdam - you have only to read the English papers to see similar events occuring daily in this country." (from an English reader, 28/11/2007)

"Painful and emotive memories Barry, and still some argue for legalising drugs, I think not." (from a pompous old ****, 28/11/2007)

#memories

Jun 2015

Edna Sweetlove

Gazing Upwards

I just saw Uranus
What a lovely sight!
I just saw Uranus
It gave me great delight.
I just saw Uranus
I stared with all my might;
And I hope to see Uranus
Each and every night.

#humour #astronomy

May 2015

Edna Sweetlove

A Really Miserable Month

I've spent a really miserable month.
I told the wife we'd go out to a nice restaurant
On her fiftieth birthday,
Which naturally led to happy anticipation.
So, the evening before she asked me,
"Where are you going to take me on my birthday, dear?"
And I replied, quick as a flash, "Up the *******."

The silly ***** seemed to have suffered
A major sense of humour failure;
Surely my prezzie would be a sure fire winner,
Certain to restore bonking privileges.
But when she unwrapped it and saw
A giant green ****-plug to get her in the mood,
She turned quite nasty on me, to put it mildly.
So I slapped her one in the ******* kisser.

The more percipient of you may notice this is written from a male point of view. May I respectfully point out that what is in my knickers is MY business.

#humour #**** #botty-love #****-plugs

May 2015

Edna Sweetlove

The Eleventh Commandment

God was tired that day
After all
Six days shalt thou labour
And on the seventh
Shalt thou rest
And he'd be slaving away
For eighteen days nonstop
Mainly because of the offer of
Double overtime
Had proven irresistible.

He'd written out these great rules
On how to live,
All eleven of them.
And God yelled out:
"Oy Moses, you fat bearded ***,
I got some tablets of stone for you
So move your ******* kosher ****".

And Moses came out of the pub
And picked up the first ten
But, being a bit the worse for wear,
And nine sheets to the wind
With cut-price passover wine,
He never noticed the eleventh one:
"Never accept a personal cheque
Without a bank guarantee card"
Is what it said,
And you can't argue with that
No ******* way.

#god #moses #humour #****

May 2015

Edna Sweetlove

***** Keyhole Kaper

I watched my mother *******
Through the toilet keyhole
When I was aged about twelve.

I think I should re-phrase that.
I watched through the keyhole
As my mother ****** into the toilet.

I didn't mean to imply that
I watched whilst my mother
****** through the keyhole.

That would have called for accuracy
Beyond the average female capability.
Sorry for any confusion there.

#humour #wee-wee #urination #toilet-time

May 2015

Edna Sweetlove

Reflections Upon The Death Of Our Saviour On The Cross

Thank you Jesus
I am glad you are dead
Because now I am saved
Just like you said.

Now you're in Heaven
I'm coming too
So keep me a space
To be there with you.

And if there's any hot ***
To be had up there
I'm up for that, so
I'll wash my public hair.

#religion #jesus #humour

Apr 2015

Edna Sweetlove

Le Grand Menu de Monsieur Merde

Le Grand Restaurant Gastronomique
de Monsieur Merde

Rue Ordure des Anges 69
Conville-le-*****
96969 France

**************

NOTRE MENU DU JOUR

~ €500 par personne tout compris ~

LE COCKTAIL DE LA MAISON
"Champagne aux vomissements de chat"
[A giant flute of the finest Cristal champagne with a spoonful of puréed pedigree cat's *****, served with our unique world-famous warm amuse-gueule of fricasséed feline *****]
~

PREMIÈRE ENTRÉE À VOTRE CHOIX
"Le potage aux asperges extra spécial"
[Cream of over-ripe asparagus soup with roasted toads' eyeballs, served chilled, accompanied by our unique home-made nostril pickings "petits chips"]
ou
"Couilles pissées plein d'amour"
[Raw bulls' testicles from organically bred animals, removed whilst the creatures are still alive, thus ensuring none of the precious ******* juice is wasted, lovingly marinated by the head chef, in triple-concentrated bovine ***** from our own Charentais herd of rare endangered species ****** cattle]
~

DEUXIÈME ENTRÉE DU CHEF
"Flegme des Dieux"
[A classic "Monsieur Merde" dish: bite-size deep-frozen gobbets of fatally-ill consumptives' phlegm deep-fried in ape ******-flavoured batter, served in a priceless 19th century silver spittoon, with a loganberry coulis on the side]
ou
"Ravioli al vermi semi-freddo alla Pectinale"
[A rare Sicilian dish re-imagined by Monsieur Merde: each "raviolo" of home-made egg pasta contains a living lukewarm baby earthworm, served with our secret "Sauce Mongol stupide", on a bed of wilted coriander leaves and crispy fried freshly-harvested Sicilian ****** nuns' ***** hairs]*
~

LE GRAND PLAT DU M. MERDE
"Girafe à naître, Sauce utérus"
[Roasted whole unborn baby giraffe, with spicy womb-lining sauce, served with pommes purées with a touch of female rhino ***** and Dijon mustard]
~

NOTRE PLÂTEAU DES FROMAGES MALODORANTS
"Assortiment révoltant"
[Selected personally by M. Merde, guaranteed to contain a wide selection of pure-bred, hand-reared, green Géant Normandy maggots]
~

LE GRAND CHARIOT DE DESSERTS
"L'Héraut de la pompe stomicale"
[Including our signature dish "Crap Suzette", wafer-thin slices of vintage dried elephant dung flamed in 1895 VSO *** Napoleon Cognac]
~
LE CAFÉ et LES PETITS FOURS
"Sélection dysenterie tropicale"
~

Les prix comprennent nos vins selectionés "de la Maison de Merde":

Avec vos "starters" et les entrées: Château Pisse de Cheval 1994
[a full Chardonnay flavour with a hint of rampant stallion's ****]

Avec Le Grand Plat du M. Merde: Beaujolais Villages Supérieur 2006
[a powerful and fruity wine with a refreshing bouquet not unlike unwashed Olympic wrestlers' sweat-drenched armpits]

Avec les fromages: Château Foûtre 1988
[one of the most potent wines in oenological history, with a kick like a hippo's ****]

Et avec le dessert: 1946 Greek Muscat from the island of Shittos
[matured in Turkish goats' bladders to enhance its sweetness]

Bon Appétit!

*If our respected clients would like to sit near to the door to the toilets, please ask the Maître d'Hôtel for assistance, but please note there is a €25 surcharge per person for this much sought-after privilege and advance booking is normally necessary, so please be prepared to ******* if these seats are not available.

#gastronomy

Apr 2015

Edna Sweetlove

Le Marquis de Sade - Un Joli Clerihew Pour Tous

The Marquis de Sade was dead keen on ******
And thought anyone who wasn't needed a lobotomy;
He ******* all his friends both from the back and the front
So on his gravestone they wrote, "Here lies a right ****".

#humour #****** #clerihews

Mar 2015

Edna Sweetlove

Sea Shanty

This poem is dedicated to the memory of Admiral Albert "*****" Potter who displayed amazing bravery by wearing full drag through several major sea battles. He was cashiered for insisting the Admiralty rename his ship HMS Butch instead of HMS Fearless. In fact the vessel was eventually renamed HMS Damp **** because it was full of ******.

A life on the ocean wave, **!
In the olden days of sail
When England's ships were proud and brave
And their crews were very male.

The Captain stood upon his bridge
Looking smart and flash;
But below the decks, the orders were
*** and *** and the lash.

The bosun went to the main gunroom,
**** Deadeye at the ready;
Initiation time had come
For little midshipman Freddy.

"Strap him o'er that cannon, lads!"
Roared the hirsute fellow,
"Gag his mouth securely, lads,
In case he tries to bellow!"

The sailors did as he had bid -
Refused and they'd be punished -
And they knew their turn would come
After the bosun had finished.

The bosun went up the poor young lad
And soon was going strong;
Midshipman Fred looked rather pained -
The Bosun was THICK and LONG.

Then came the turn of the other men
And they set to with a will;
Little Fred could not say no
Until they'd had their fill.

What a life our sailors had then,
Always singing shanties;
When men were men and big and butch
And cabin boys wore silk *******.

A life on the ocean wave, **!
With the rolling sea and the spray.
Sinking the Frogs and murdering Wogs
Kept England's sailors so gay.

OLÉ! OLÉ! OLÉ! OLÉ! OLÉ! *OLÉ!

#gay #sailor #explicit #****** #**** #buggery #****** #arses #bumboy #gayboy