061017

Hindi pa kita kayang harapin
Na sa bawat pagkakataong nariyan ka na'y
Pilit pa rin akong lilihis ng landas
Habang kinakalma ang sarili ng mga salitang:
"Wala kang nakita.
Ayos ka lang."

Sa ilang beses kong pagpapalipas ng oras
Sa paglimot sa pagbungad ng kahapon sa ngayon,
Ginapi ako ng pasa sa buo kong pagkatao.
Namanhid ang puso,
Kakaiba ang hiwaga pagkat nabuhay pa rin ako.

Nang sa kahit isang saglit man lang
Ay nanatili pa rin akong pipi ngunit hindi bingi
Na parang nalimot ko na kung paano bang magsalita
Ngunit ako'y inugatan na
Sa paghihintay sa sagot na sayo lamang hinihingi.

Na para bang noon,
Ang lahat ay may bayad.
Parang lahat ay bawal,
Kaya nagnakaw ako ng tingin sayo.
Oo, hindi lang isang beses
O dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima,
Anim, pito, walo, siyam at sampu.
Naubos na ang pagbilang ko sa bawat sandali,
Na inabot sa iilang taon --
Hindi ka pa rin bumabalik.

Doon ko kusang naintindihang:
Kalakip ng bawat pagnakaw ng panahon
Ay ang bawat bitak sa pusong noo'y wala pang lamat.
Napuno ito ng alikabok sa hindi ko pagsisiyasat
Kung may buhay at pag-asa pa bang mabuo
ang larawan ng tayo.

Na sa bawat pagpunit ko ng bawat larawan sa aking isipa'y
Paulit-ulit lamang akong nakakatikim ng pagkatalo.
At sa huli, ako rin pala ang darampot sa mga ito
At isa-isang ipagtatagpi sa kabila ng matinding pagkapagod.

Nang ilang beses akong dumistansya sayo
Isang dipa, isang kilometro,
Ilang munisipyo at ilang mga isla.
Bagamat nagtangka pa rin akong
Bumusina ng katapatan sa pintong paulit-ulit **** pinagsasarhan.

Nang muling mabahiran ng kakaibang ningning
Ang aking mga mata
Na tila may mahika ang bawat **** ngiti
At muling nagkakulay ang puso kong dating kaydilim.
Nang mapagtanto ko ngang: hindi kita nakalimutan,
Hindi ako nagmahal ng iba,
Naghintay ako --
Kahit may iba ka pa.

Dumungaw ako sa ngayon
At dito ko nasaksihan ang hiwaga ng paghihintay.
Na sa pag-aakala kong paulit-ulit ang nasa kalendaryo'y
Mauubusan din pala ako ng dahilan --
Dahilan para magtanong kung babalik ka nga ba.

Nang mahalin mo na rin ako nang buo
Nang kusa **** ibigay ang tiwala at katapatan mo.
At sa minsang pagyakap mo'y
Gusto ko na munang huminto
At magpasalamat pagkat narito na ang sagot --
Pagkat narito ka na at hindi na ito isang panaginip.

Na hindi ko maipaliwanag na ikaw ang dahilan
Ng bawat butil sa mga mata ko noon.
At ang dahilan
Ng bawat kirot na mas maingay pa sa mga kuliglig pag gabi
At pilit kong pinatatahimik sa aking pagtulog.

Parang kailan lang nga --
Pero ayoko nang magkunwari pa
Ayoko nang magtago sa madilim na mga ulap
Na pilit na kumukubli sa pag-ibig ko sayo.
Tama na, pagkat nahulog ako sa sarili kong patibong
At ngayon --
Ngayon nga'y mas mahal na kita.

052317

Birds chitter as every green structure
Fails their promises of love
Written in letters in an invisible sky
As they sang the ocean's death of goodbyes.

Fueling the savory bite
Of ala-Krispy Kreme in their tummies,
They drown in their melodies
Of drop and failed stories
The rugged soil was a false hope,
Even if they taste the aquifer's best.

They should've not departed from their own kind
But they've loved being sprinkled with the fiery mirage.
Force majeure was their allied forces
As the scissors of vetiver held back the fiber mesh.

Both live and dead loads are alive
And the ocean cries -- defying gravity.
But the level has not been measured enough,
The waters worshipped themselves
And there's no sign of hue of Heaven's crystal clear.

I have loved to see everything enough
To sing theories and to paint them in dramatic history.
But as I've tried to plant another tree
Life has not sprouted coz it's a different summer now.

050917

I found you --
I chose to love you without return.
The kind of love that tested me,
More than a thousand heartbeats
The love that I waited for so long.

I found myself --
The love that was once silenced
Was brought to a halt as pain arises.

And I was deeply hurt
Hurt but there was no regret.
Hurt that brought me to repentance,
To forgiveness and redemption,
To surrender and trust.
To love you while keeping no record of wrongs,
To love you more than before,
To love you as new as in the beginning.

For He found us --
As we're lost for how to love each other
We've defied gravity, somehow denied prosperity.
Are we afraid to lose one another?
Like fallen leaves in moody weather.

But still, He restored us
We're mended by His healing hands.
He brought us back to His love
The only love that rescued us
The only love that can truly change us.

I found us --
You and I are never enough.
Loving you is never easy
But it's simple as this:
I want to stay until it's dawn
Until the sun and moon collide
Until we're found by His time --
To stay with you in His arms.

For in this day, there's no "us"
No more "we can," but "He can"
I count one, two, and three
This love is of grace --
From beginning to end, it is His.

A universe in smokey hues of hypnotic perfection
Each change in depth, each glance
a reinvention of self
of my perception of your self
See me naked
or see my skin as it protects my heart

Razor-wire glistens gray
as the blades of a gaze skin me alive
Shattered memories built a person
held together by the very skin
you are burning through
with the heat of the bare truth

I see your desire and it hurts
It hurts as my broken shards fall to the floor
It hurts as your laser vision cauterizes each piece back in place
burned together to heal in the strength of love
The love that is reflected in
smokey hues of hypnotic perfection