i want to bite
down,
on the word
and tell you the absolute
and dangerous truth.

that your bitterness,
has soured your
soul.

your famed stoicsism
has fled,
and most of
what you say, has become
a whine,
reedlike and annoying.


but i clench my fist,
against my thighs
and count to 97.

because,

you are my mother

and your life,
has been,
not exceptionaly
kind,

and at eighty five,
you may well be
entitled,
to luxuriate, in your pain.

but just,
sometimes,
could you do it  a bit
more quietly.
please....

I am not submissive.
I don't give in
to peoples'
demands, wants, needs or commands.
Instead, I help.
I am courteous.

I am not pure.
I have made mistakes in my life.
I don't need to wear a turtleneck
to conceal my body, but
I practice modesty.

I am not quiet.
I have my own voice
therefore it is my duty to exercise
my right of free speech.
My voice makes a difference.
I speak up for the
downtrodden and the oppressed
the frustrated and distressed.

I am not perfect.
My legs are not skyscrapers
and my waist is not skeleton small
but by golly, I think that I have
the biggest heart of all.
Look into my eyes and see the true me.
A woman. Who else can I be?

And father asked,
"Will you carry me
On your young shoulders
Till my dance stops?"

He said,
"Yes. I would do
Till my song
Finds its own rhythm."

We were barely half asleep
As you crawled from bed
So cute and drowsily, another day
Filled with pure joy
And you looked at me so coy
As I leaned in for a kiss then you were

GONE
And I snapped awake in my cold sweat
All alone with nothing left and so I broke down
And wandered aimlessly trying to jump back
Into that dream I wanted right back in that scene
What does it mean
Oh god just take me already
Dispose of this ******* husk
And as sure as at the end of all the days come all the dusk
And if I must I will do whatever it takes
Stick a needle in my veins just to orchestrate
My escape so let me slowly slip away
Back to that dream into that scene
Back to a happier time and place where I was
Not yet a disgrace
Where I could see the smile on your face
Where we were happy, and carefree
And had all the love there could be
Before I was all alone
Before my heart was set in stone

~

And my smile grows…of you

When clouded days appear
yet still I find sunshine is brightly filling each corner of my heart
glowing with every thought that illumines me… of you

“Your light finds me through a the dense charcoal mist”

When winds blow a’ gusty scattering of dust,
as I find the air sweet as magnolia petals saved in my pocket,
brings me the unforgettable fragrance… of you

“The sweet breath of your nature flows over me”

When soaring heat batters my crimson skin,
but the cool breeze of love soothes my sunburned shoulders
in affections softly flowing from the fingertips...of you

“Cool spring zephyrs wrap your love about my body”

When I sit in a darkened space, alone with only my dreams
and a teardrop finds my cheek in a glistened falling line
happily, as I relive each eternal memory…of you

*“And my smile grows…of you”

Here I am, in this dream
Sitting beside this squeaky swing
Without you in it next to me
I feel this empty pit inside of me
It's deep, endless, and painfully excruciating
And you filled it with your love for me
You took away the pain for me
Without your love I'm completely empty
Empty like an eternal dreamless sleep
Empty with a dark void within me
And your love was the light within me
The only light that cared to shine for me
My purpose for life is alone and empty
I have nothing to dream of now that you don't love me
My broken heart is still shattered and it screams
Knowing that you don't love me
I'm swinging on this swing
The other one moving with the breeze
The familiar squeak mocking me
Cause when I look I see it's just the breeze

I'm not the same girl you met freshmen year
She caught emotional cancer when you first kissed her
That was her very first kiss
And it became very fatal when you took her virginity
And when you broke her heart she was too weak
She died, and I was the only one at the funeral to say "goodbye"
I never saw you there
Then I truly knew that you didn't love me the way I love you
And when you broke her heart
A new girl was given that heart
She was given that heart to ignore
And now she realizes that the broken heart she chose to ignore it still loves you
And whenever she's around you she knows that she'll never stop loving you
But she tries, she tries really hard to stop loving you
But she can't
She can't
She never thought she would fall in love with you and stay in love with you
She doesn't want to be in love with you anymore
But she is
It's amazing how you broke that girl's heart
And that other girl's who has her heart now still has that original girl's love for you
And no matter how broken my heart is, or how shattered it is
I'll always love you
I know I will

Here I am
In front of the mirror
With him behind me
Loving my beauty
But when I turn around, he doesn't exist
And we can only see each other in the mirror
In my dreams I see him in a pool of water and I've only seen him beside me in my reflections
My mirror
The only source of my very fantasies
That I just feel I can't live without
Because the world is so empty,and,yet so full of everything and nothing
But no matter how good he makes me feel in my dreams or in my mirror
It hurts that I love him,thou he's not there
And what the mirror gives me is worthless in reality
Because it keeps me hoping he's out there even when everything is telling me he's not
And I guess that's why I need that mirror
It gives me my hopes, my dreams, and my impossible meanings
So, I guess it's not completely worthless
What the mirror has given me
It isn't just hope, or a dream, or something I just can't reach
But something I can try to achieve
to make me happy
In the mirror, he sees this sad cruel world I'm in, trapped and unsafe
He wants to get me out, but can't
The mirror only shows us what we want
And what I want, is for him to be here with me
And it can't, it doesn't have the strength to
No one does
But the reflections in that mirror only act out my pain
The pain of what I'm missing
And the painful stare of the truth

I remember the feeling
of your hand on my back.

Soft and warm, yet supportive and tender.
Your face burst into a vibrant smile.

Seeing yours, mine lit up like the night sky.
I swear you could see it from *space.

I love the way he looks at me
every time his heart feels
the night's embrace.
And my body desires to dance for him
until morning falls
upon his face

I watch him drink each hour
from a cup of moonlight ecstasy.
While my hands touch his skin
as a breeze...........
that whispers me.

The morning finds me holding on
to a cup
of memories.
My heart drinks them in
as Dawn.....
kisses me.

Copyright @2014  - Neva Flores Smith