"Why do you look at me so much?"
maybe because I think God wove his best when He made your story
maybe because I think He struck gold when he built your heart
maybe because I think there's nothing more beautiful than your mind
maybe because I'd like to look through the world with your eyes
maybe because God made your hair to perfectly flow past my fingers
maybe because I'm in love with you
maybe because I have been in love with you
maybe because I was in love with you

silence.

..."What do you mean? No, I don't."

on the way home
i listened to music
that made me think of you
blessing each note
with my mind, saying
"thank you for understanding
every single time"
and i say this to the music
because i cannot say it to your face
and yes, i just compared you
to the corner of my life
where everything is sound and i feel safe
and yes, it is
a compliment

We're
         falling
                in
                   love;
And the rest
is just
science.

I am learning to listen
to what's not said
to read between the lines
to see the invisible sights
to feel the silent heartbeat

I am learning to listen
to the moments of friendship silence
to hear you dive deep in our dialogue
and come up floundering breathless
I have to resist being your saviour
Just watch you go up and down
up and down but you do not drown

I am learning to listen
to your unspoken presence divine
in the quiet of my lonely night
when my mind is taken over
with a million unanswered questions
regrets, shame, hopes and dreams
painted on white walls of ****** frustration

I am learning to listen
in the times you do not speak
in the times you embrace me
with all of my deep uncertainty
my fear - my doubts - my pain

In the moments I think you absent
and nowhere to be seen
you sit across from me - silent
listening and not to be heard

I often neglect the greatest gift you
give to me - as my lover-friend-divine
to enjoy you as the one
who does not want to be heard
but the one who just wants to listen

Stanley Arumugam
17 April 2013

you'd thought it had died forever
and now it seems as though death is an
imaginary word- for some-country-not-ours
they sky had been gray for just a day too long,
your hair had grown darker and your eyes
forgot how green the grass could be;
flowers haven't been seen for months
your limbs locked beside you,
too many movie nights and not enough crazy nights
no one's cold hearts have any warm blood to pump; we're lizards
I don't think mine's beat in a minute
(it's been cold about that long)
the day wasn't friendly-
and now they are-
death, while it lasts, is the longest thing in the world
but just when you think you won't make it out:
the cycle begins again.

he told me he loved me, did you know that? weeks ago . . . and i've been thinking about saying it back for days, but every time -- every ******* time -- i think about it, there you are. with your stupid name and your stupid self and ******* i loved you, you know that? i loved you so much that the thought of saying it to anyone else physically hurts. it feels like it'd be physically impossible to get the words out. two years down the road and here i am, tongue-tied in front of a boy you don't even know, screaming at my memories of you for not being able to catch me.

leap inside
the unknown
beauty of Love
to become *One

in calculus, we describe how infinitely close
we can approach a goal,
the fractions growing smaller and smaller.
The spirals decrease in size but we cannot leave
orbit,
we shall divide endlessly,
and perhaps because of that,
we will never find the end-
the limits of our physical world confine us to
imperfect numbers and imperfect love,
impossible to live in a seamless harmony, but:
if we are anything together, we ignite each other.
My heart sets on fire and my world shifts a little
when I look at you.
We've gotten as close as we possibly could,
always a step away, the centrifugal force
balancing the gravity that draws us into each other,
our magnetism impossible to avoid
but we cannot connect.
The divine irony enjoys this type of subtle humor,
the paradoxes arising from impossibilities and passion.
We're just lost in the night sky,
two stars coming inextricably close:
doing a heavenly dance, but the Lord of the light
knows the steps too well to allow us to collide.
I will forever admire you from the distance,
painfully caught betwixt many gravities
and I cannot escape-
til the day I die,
I shall salute you to whom I am tied;
we are spun around on the finger of God as He
sits bored waiting for something more important to do.
I watch your star spin wildly,
just too far for me to grasp- and I wait forever.
You're beautiful,
today just like every other day-
but our zero is out of reach,
and I'll never be with you.

He said to "Play the Game"
but what happens when
two hearts collide?
When two players know
the rules and that it's not
just about falling in
love anymore?

This game of Love
would seem to be
so easy: just something
everyone could do.

He said to "Light another cigarette and
let everything go."
If everyone would play and
just let the whole world go,
wouldn't things be easier?

Love is pumping through me.
Everywhere inside of me,
in the cracks and lines
and veins and the sweet smile
I keep planted on my face.

"Don't play hard to get, it's a free world.
All you have to do is fall in love."
Oh Queen, isn't it harder
than that though?

If you ever asked me,
"How do you feel about her?"
I wouldn't have a clear answer,
I'd probably tell you something simple like,
"Oh, I love her"
or "I want to **** her and she's
super duper hot"
but at the same time, "my church says that's a sin to want that
and I'm not sure what God wants from me
and to the best of my knowledge, He needs me for some great purpose
beyond loving one person
and I can't squander my future on her"
and "also I hurt everything I love"
so "I'm scared to love her because I'm scared
she'll think I'm creepy or crazy"
and "she's not even into relationships and doesn't think that's important
so I don't even know if a relationship would work"
and "my parents would be fine with it"
but "her family wouldn't be okay with it"
and "we live in such a hard time for acceptance that
if I went outside and held her hand, someone could **** us,
literally"
or maybe I'd tell you that "I'm fighting my feelings every day
and it's a cross I must bear"
and "I'm better off being a nun than falling for people I can't have"
and maybe I'd tell you that "all these complicated feelings,
dwarf in comparison to the huge, overarching,
powerful amount of love
I have for her,"
how "every day I would wake up next to her
and I would put on my shining armor
take my cross up from beside the dresser
burn my bridges on the way to work
if that's what she wanted."

Yeah. I'd probably tell you that last bit.

she walked in and saw me
holding your hips
and playing with the
fabric in between my fingers.
she didn't say anything
but you could tell that she now knew
that we were a real couple.
normally, she'd make some kind of
reference or comment,
"Rachel! Stop touching her, ya nasty!"
and my hand would fall away quickly.
but, i think she understands now.

we cant be together in public.
i am a very touchy person,
and a very lovable one as well.
finally i am happy and i think
she may see that in me.
maybe that is why she hasn't said anything.

so, TF, thank you so much.
you see all, but you know that
this needs to stay secret.

after all, i am sure you do not
want what happened to you,
to happen to me.