i have lost
i have won
i have been down
i have been up

my world has been rocked
and turned
upside down

so much has changed
yet so much has stayed the same

things have become more complex
yet some have simplified

(i just want this year to end)
i never want this year to end

the butterflies in my stomach
the flutter in my chest
are overtaken
by the weight of self-doubt
and overthinking.

those butterflies,
that flutter
are the only things i ever want to feel.
pure bliss.
pure happiness.

the self-doubt, the overthinking,
the anxiety it brings
is overwhelming.
shutting down is the only option.

it's all i can do.
(but i can't)

i've been running
a marathon
for what feels like an eternity.
i'm at the one hundred mile mark
but
there are
no water stations,
no refueling tables,
no finish line
in sight.

how much longer will i be this way?
i'm so tired.
my body feels like lead -
weighing me down.
(my mind left miles ago)

will my legs give out?
will i be crushed under this weight?
will my body shut down?
(my mind already has)

why must i feel
everything
so deeply?

why is it so hard to express
those emotions out in the open?
why can't i allow myself to be vulnerable around anyone?

why do i bottle everything up?

when i am sad, oh god i'm sad
but when i'm happy, dear god i'm the happiest person on the planet.
but those moments are fleeting.
those moments of pure, unadulterated happiness are the moments
i long for the most.
it's like i'm chasing a high i'll never get.
i'm like an addict,
constantly looking for my next hit in whatever crosses my path,
a cup of coffee,
a friendly face,
a song,
the sun on my skin,
leaves crunching under my feet,
trivial things,
anything.
those small things that used to bring light into my world
barely create a spark now.

i was doing well,
i was genuinely happy.

what happened?

to my (future) husband,
as i sit and write this, i don't know if i've met you yet.
but i honestly hope i have.

if you're reading this,
thank you for honoring my ridiculous request
to do the final dance number that baby and johnny did from ***** dancing
at our wedding
(if we didn't do the lift, it's okay)

thank you for always being there.
through the breakdowns,
the rants,
all the bad.

thank you for always being there.
through the endless summers,
the sunny days that turned into fire lit nights,
the endless godfather marathons,
all the good.

i will always be there for you -
through all the bad
and all the good.
through your successes
and failures
i will be there.

and i will love you until the day i die.

perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.
perfection is
christmas music
playing softly in the background.
perfection is
thanksgiving
and all the love it brings.
perfection is
christmas
and all the joy it brings.
perfection is
family gathered together
in rooms filled with love and laughter.
perfection is
mass on christmas eve
and the peace it brings.
perfection is
sleeping in on christmas morning
and waking up to a house filled with the smell of the ham cooking.
perfection is
the smiles on my loved ones' faces.
perfection is
a hug
from someone i love.
perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.

i no longer constantly write
from a place of sadness and hurt.
i am trying to write
from a place of happiness and light
because those feelings of
happiness and love
are what i want to feel
all the time.

i spent almost all of my teenage years
being sad and miserable -
doing horrible things to myself
and to the ones i love the most.
i never want to go back there
ever again.
i want to fianlly be happy with myself,
my body,
who i am as a person.

and i think i can do that.

i want someone
to look at me
that way
johnny
looks at loretta
in moonstruck.
the way
johnny
looks at baby
in ***** dancing.

what a feeling
to be falling
for someone.
it's amazing
(but scary)
(because i don't know if it's mutual)

i know it's cliche,
but i am my own worst enemy.
whenever things go well,
my negativity takes over -
and all that good is clouded by
'what if?'s,
self-doubt,
anxiety,
self-loathing.


(and things always go south,
and i'm always the cause)

it's thanksgiving.
i'm so grateful for everyone in my life
and
all the incredible things i've done this year,
but i still feel like something is missing.

(and it's you)

this is the third thanksgiving without you.
this is the third thanksgiving without your laugh.
this is the third thanksgiving without the question "are your still playing?"
this is the third thanksgiving without that faint tobacco smell following you.

this is the fourth thanksgiving without you.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you yelling at my uncle for his hair.
this is the fourth thanksgiving without you're criticisms about the soup being salty.
this is the forth thanksgiving without your two cents about politics.

i hate having two less seats at the table.