it's 12:34 am
and i'm alone
and longing for someone.
i will be alone
and longing for someone
at 12:34 am tomorrow,
and the next day,
and the next day,
and the next day.
i wish for one day
to not be alone and longing for you
at 12:34 am.

i was given the ability
to stand tall and strong
but
i'm on my hands and knees,
bent under the weight on my shoulders.
that weight is unbearable -
i feel my back cracking under it.
i know i have it in me
to stand tall and strong again
i just have to dig deep.

i need to get away
from here
just for a short time -
escape this place
i know all too well.
i'll turn off my phone,
pack some snacks,
take a book,
but no maps.
i'll savor everything,
and photograph nothing.
hopefully i can clear my head,
lord knows it's too
crowded in there.

i'm so physically,
mentally,
and emotionally
exhausted.
i'm so tired
no amount of sleep
will help me.
i'm so tired
but
my thoughts are racing
at one hundred miles an hour.
but i can't quiet them.
i can't sleep,
i can hardly eat -
i'm so sick of this place.


but i'm trying my best to be better.

this couch seems so empty
with just me on it.
i am so lonely here
on this couch.
the songs i hear
are making me long
for your arms around me -
comfort me,
let me cry,
and please
just let me speak.

please lend me your shoulder
so i may cry.
please lend me your ears
so i may purge myself of my illness.
please lend me your heart
so i may mend it.
please lend me your arms
so i may be held.
please show me
how to love freely.
please show me
how to find my purpose.
please show me
how to truly live.
please show me
what real life is.
please show me
what love is.
(please)
(let me love you)

bags under my eyes
so purple and dark
(i haven't slept well in weeks)
my face
never showing the ocean inside
unlike my eyes
that show everything.
picking my fingers
to the bone.
(they don't even bleed anymore)
biting my nails
until they bleed.
my hands
cracked and dry,
****** knuckles
that never heal.
my spine
is exhausted
from holding this weight.
my shoulders
and neck
can hardly hold my head.

i just want to lay in a bed of flowers,
under the shade of a tree
so that i may rest my head.
i don't want a tumultuous ocean inside,
i want calm seas.

i must remind myself
that i have the power and strength
to pick myself up.
i have a strong foundation.
it may be dinged with tiny cracks,
but it's still strong.
i must remind myself
that writing my way out does not make me weak.
i must remind myself
that the sun will rise tomorrow
and that tomorrow will be better than today.
i must remind myself
to take care of me.
i must remind myself
that it's okay to show
sadness,
anger,
frustration,
joy,
kindness,
love.
i must remind myself
that i'll be fine
(in due time)

ever since i was a little girl,
my mom always told me to
sing,
sing a song,
sing out loud,
sing out strong,
song of good things, not bad
sing of happy, not sad.
mom
i regret to inform you
that i cannot sing  -
but i do anyway,
alone,
in the shower,
and in my car.
in the kitchen
when i'm alone.
i sing things people will never hear,
i create melodies that will never be played,
i write lyrics that will never be read.

if i were blessed with a voice,
i would share it with the world.
but for now,
the only things that will hear me
are my car seats
and shower stall.

worn down,
buzzy ears,
full face,
heavy chest,
dry throat,
red nose,
cracked lips,
dry skin,
heavy head.

this is an apology
to all those i have hurt in the past, those i hurt now, and those who i will hurt in the future.

this is an apology
to everybody i've ever known
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.
i'm sorry i couldn't help you fight off your demons, i couldn't even keep mine at bay.
just know that i tried my best.
those who i couldn't help still haunt me in my nightmares, but ******* it i tried my hardest
to save you from yourself
but you were just a shell of the person i once knew -
there was none of you left for me to grab onto.

this is an apology
to my future boyfriend
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant - there are things i hope you'll never know and things i can't share with you.
just know that i want to.
i want you to understand why i am the way i am.
i will love you even when it doesn't seem like i do.

to my future husband
i'm sorry i will let you down and be cold and distant.
i will love you with all my heart and soul even in my darkest hour.

this is an apology to all those i let down
and who i will let down in the future.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you thought i was.
i'm sorry i wasn't who you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you, i can't even be there for myself.

this is an apology
i'm so sorry

do you know how it feels
to catch yourself in the mirror
and hate what you see?
catching glimpses of my eyes in the reflection
and seeing how heavy they look,
with the deep, dark bags underneath
and the tiredness that cannot be ignored.
the smile that is heavy,
that so desperately wants to be genuine.
the shoulders that are broad and manly
that are supposed to be strong.
the shoulders that are hunched and strained
from carrying the weight of the world on them.
the arms, once scarred, have grown thin.
the hands that are cracked beyond repair.
the fingers that are torn and so desperately want to heal.
the chest that wishes to be smaller.
the torso that will never be satisfactory.
the legs that are too big are sore,
from trying to hold up the skeleton inside.
the feet that have walked millions of miles,
through everything.
i try so hard to hide this from the people around me,
but i guess mirrors show us everything we never want others to see...

the things that i want to say
are the things that might scare you away
how can i validate or dispel the thoughts in my head without taking a risk?
a risk that could change everything for the better
or
a risk that could ruin everything
why gamble away what is already good?
because there is a potential to discover something even better.
my heart is screaming to take the plunge,
my head is telling me it would be a total loss
who do i follow when i'm so torn?