COME WITH ME

It is my lonely journey, on a trail that is dark
I leave no fingerprints, I promise to leave no mark
It is my prayers unheard, that are howls in the air
No longer looking for a love, nor for a someone who would care
A dark soul I am, on a travel to the pits of hell
There are no buyers at all, for the trinkets that I sell
Cold is in my heart, and in my veins is ice
I took to wind and the waters, and destroyed all that was nice

(M. N. R.)
3 APRIL 2018

You have seen these images:
an arrow locates your presence
near the far edge of our galaxy..
Each time we see this depiction
we are swept by insignificance..
Recovery is remembering
this grand scale perception
reinforces a strong belief
in a separate self..
So we ask:
What is it that perceives
this portrait of
seeming lowly location..?
It must be the same What
that is now reading these words..
And astonishingly:
a new Reality introduces itself
a definite undefinable experience
a new Self inside of which
a galaxy and arrow and
those three words appear...

I imagined myself leaving
someday.  Trading
plains for seas, exchanging
something loved for something
unknown.

And maybe it's the fear
of quietly whispering
goodbye that unsettles me.
Maybe it's the inevitable
end of familiarity,
like the sun's western descent
after a day that should not
end.
And when it does,
we all pack our bags
and say farewell.

Eventually,
I will trace new roadmaps on the
back of my hands;
I will find the familiar
creaks in the floorboards.

And when the sun sets,
someone will leave a light on
for me.

There's a first time for everything, I guess

My initiation to the cult of harm came last night
After I'd made sure everyone had gone to bed
Crept over by the window and moonlight
Placed my arm on the altar in front of me
Mechanically, efficiently swabbing it with alcohol
Scent sterile
For even in this, I will hold onto the pretense of a rationalist

I deride myself, tell myself I'm just going through with it because it's what people would expect from the depressed
That I could stop myself easily and so it's my fault if I don't
But god, I want to lose control so badly

The needle skitters across my skin and I shiver
It dances swirls along my arm
You don't need blood and scars for pain

It scrapes angrier against my skin
And a blissful silence pierces my head
As my own voice fades from between my ears

It's a trance-like happiness
A closed-eyed, fluttering-lashes smile
A beautiful pain throbbing, bringing me back to myself
I could have stayed up hours on that one taste of losing control
But this was just an initiation so I dragged myself away

There's not a trace the next day
Except in my mind where I hunt for all acceptable forms of pain
Push on your bruises, a friend advised
Pencil tips, pens

I stop myself
I resist
I said I wasn't going down this path

I'm on my own in August, I only have to make it to then
Then help, so no more of this

I wait until everyone falls asleep again
And though I am exhausted, stumble toward the moonlight
Sterilize, needle in hand, ready to dance

I refuse to go any farther, I tell myself

Death laughs from inside my head
Baby steps he snickers and
Isn't that what you said last time, doll?

There's a first time for everything after all

I won't,
I reassure the needle tracing kisses across my skin.
I'm fine.