I feel like a **** fool;

Letting you see how defeated I am,

To a beast I never saw coming;

I feel very guilty,

As I see you tend to me,

Even with a casualty much larger than mine;

I feel very useless;

As I see you do your best,

While I idly wait for myself to collapse.

My guts are turned inside-out,

I can't do anything to stop it;

As I can't control my own self,

While you try your best to help me.

Why?

You're faring quite hard;

Why persist to burden yourself with me?

I know I hurt you already;

I know how much of a burden I am to everyone;

I know how ill I am to think this way,

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have let you see me vulnerable in the first place;

*Now you're having it hard

i guess i figured by
twenty years old i would
be the girl with
the band and not
the girl in the corner
behind three crockpots
and a cash box
dancing alone

but that's my favorite
part so far of being twenty
that by now i know
i am who i am
and i don't have to be who
i once wanted to be

sunset flickers across the
road and off the telephone
wires as once again
boredom sets in

maybe not my favorite
part because i hate this
but i figure it's comforting
even if i have to lie to myself

i also figured i would
be in love by now
and not
just lonely

on the other hand
i never realized
that i've always
been lonely

a lonely that
stays the same
regardless of who
i'm with

regardless of who
is under my feet
regardless of how
i spend my weekends

raised in a habitat that
did not tolerate the
concept of evolution
as being a possibility

but isn't that part of
carving my own way?
realizing that
i have changed

and i guess growing up
growing old
is the hardest thing
i'll ever do

There comes a time
And a place
For an
Attitude.

And today
Right now
Is not
The time.

you were a constellation
a beautiful complexity
a pattern only I could see
but then it changed
the arrangement became an endless kaleidoscope
you were a mash of stars I could not make sense of
you entangled me in your lines until I could not see the way out
now all you are is the yellow city lights
forever blinding my view of the beauty beyond

I will not rest until the trees outside my windows do
Their sway
I wonder what makes them so unsteady...
But it isn't really my window
Or my house
Or my bed
Just like how
This night does not belong to me
Kinda like my own head
I give away parts of me
That I refuse to need
Like love
Or dreams
I push ******* to my Lips
Inhale and then exhale
Pretending I have a cigarette balanced between them
I love the taste of cigarettes even though I know they are killing machines
I love you
Fiercely
When I know **** well
You could end me
It's like that song I heard once
Alone
But I felt less lonely after I heard it
For some reason
Ghosts haunt me
You could call obsession
Infidelity
You could call dreams
Unfaithful

You should've called me.

Then you wouldn't have to worry about my stupid lonely
You could know
That only you sit on my brains
'Wish list'
Only you fester in my belly
If you knew
About all the people I have broken to make myself appear a little more whole
Or how much growing up I did in a year
Or that January
Or that June
If only you knew
About my crazy
The kind that only makes sense to some people
But still doesn't make sense to you...
No
I will not rest until the trees do.

The pharmacist at CVS says I am not prescribed an inhaler anymore.
so in it's place.
I prescribe myself cigarettes

I need something to inhale
cigarettes seem a logical alternative to inhalers

deliberatly I decide to not drive
to the cigar store.
i walk to the cigar store.

it is far enough to be inconvenient
which means maybe
If I am not destined to buy this cigarette
I will receive an overwhelming sensation to turn back

I always add time for potential divine intervention to my agenda.
It happens often enough to be logical

we may have different definitions of logical

the cashier asks my age
And I tell him 21.
I am 22.
somehow In the confusion of waiting for god to prescribe me an overwhelming emotional reaction to not buy cigarettes
Instead of an inhaler.
I forget a whole ******* year of my life.

this is great context for
How I trust myself when making decisions.
which is to say
I don't trust myself to make descisions.

I buy the cigarettes.

upon searching for the optimal location
to loiter and slowly **** myself.
I stumble upon the old teen center.
the first place I was a mentor.

Out the side of the building
There's this rock
Long enough to sit five or so children
two laying down.
it's Perferated like a candy bar
each rectangle curved slightly
custom fit to years of munchkin ****

this slump right here
this slump is my munchkin ****.

each break of chocolate
on the candy bar rock
has a ladyslipper growing behind it.
tips of the five purple flowers
stretch to align perfect with the tips of our childhood belly buttons

humbled, I brush the leaves
excavate delicately
this heirloom.
I had forgotten.

The sky is recovering When I lay myself on the rock.
light grey clouds that want to cry
an optimistic sun that won't let them

I Cover my face with an old journal
made of old book smell.
I smile into the pages.
my lips barely touching the silk threading of her binding.
I've never breathed so intimately
a new lover.
the tip of my nose tucked into her spine.
honeymoon phase, Intoxicating.
Still excited to be in love.

there's breath here
wisdom in the records of
loving young,
cherrishing this new book smell.
Filling your chest with it.

When memories are tangible
There are no more expiration dates

Fill my lungs with
the crisp of unturned pages,
worn leather covers
Soft silk crosstitches

Kiss air into me
from the space between your lines.
I know how intimate an untold story can be.

Today I started breathing
I fell in love With a metaphor.

I never did smoke that cigarette.

i cant seem to shake this feeling
that the walls breathe
and at night i pray the paranoia gone
but the hallway does not seem
as empty as it appears