To open this journal
My own excitement exposed
I'd say I'd
Picked the wrong book
To see exhausted, loud lettering
"Our Wedding"
And to hack at the list
Well,
I just felt
Like a **** floating
Almost sinking with the first wave of water
Then suddenly spinning in an uncontrollable whirlwind of deluge and certain death

Could I ever
Just maybe

..

Could I ever go back to a time
Before I caused such a mess?

Drunk tonight
Intoxicated tomorrow
Is it because my days are filled with sorrow?

Trapped in a whirlwind
I cannot even explain
It is like no one even knows my name

I want to feel wanted
But not that fake ****
In that amazing way that makes you feel lit

Not that one-night-stand wanted
Actually wanted, actually loved
I'm done until I am not done

It's a circular game
Life.
a ****** up cycle of positive and negative feelings
Canceling eachother out

What is this
How is this
i want to feel wanted again

i am drunk tonight
i'll be drunk tomorrow
i'm content but I am not
do i even deserve to feel sorrow?

Forever is a word that does not exist
Nothing lasts forever.... does it?

Tell me, do you miss me?
Do you think of me at night?
Do you wish that,
You could hold me
And tell me that everything's alright
Do you hear me in the songs you sing
Or see me in all the little things
You do.
Cause those are all the things
I want to tell you.

Locked in a box
In the room of a flat
On the 18th floor            
Of high rise block seven

A light shines dim
Through a dusty pane
Of forgotten social dreams

Crying for the pain
That lives in the box
Of sadness and solitude

Beauty sleeps
In a parallel dimension
The adjacent dwelling
Unprovoked
With its telepathic tendencies

Death walks in
Birth falls asleep

This air that feeds
Soothes and prolongs
It burns and rapes
All day long