I’ve been tired,
been raging
against the machine
made for making
people hate everything.

I’ve been writing,
fighting back the tears,
cause I don’t want
anyone near to hear
how much of my pain
hides behind my fear.

Especially when,
I know my suffering
is not that unique,
and there are millions more
hurting worse than me.

I got it pretty good,
but I am alone,
reading and thinking.
I’m not a stone.
I’m just breathing,
bleeding and needing
a little love you see.

Won’t you meet me
in the land of sleepy dreams,
a place where children
no longer sit and scream,
where I am not looking
cause my dear you are
right here beside me.

Despite the chaos
that haunts us
in waking hours,
in this temporary reprieve,
my love, it is you,
whoever you may be
that I want to see
when I go to sleep.

This is my body
I think
You see some days I am not sure
Because it's covered in opinions and handprints
That do not belong to me
And they are dripping all over this better life I am trying to build

- Was this supposed to be winning?

He was old when I was young.
Now I’m old, and he’s long gone.

Owner of a small-town store.
Plier of all those knick knacks
and delicious snacks that
a young boy desires and adores,
tiny fifty cent to a dollar toys,
a handful of penny tootsie rolls
and five cent laffy taffy,
with silly jokes on the wrapper
that brought a little lighthearted laughter.

Small brick building
and in the back was
his home.

Now the burnt red bricks
have lightened and cracked a bit,
like the memories of him,
fuzzing up while slowly fading,

till he is the foggiest of impressions.

I try to recapture any ****** expressions
but only recall vagaries.

The building falls behind the sun,
but his family has not yet moved on.

Soon the night will descend
consuming me as it has devoured
my memories of him.

Bad morning,

I say that it’s okay
to bare all the pain
grievously.

The sun is not
shining brightly
but smites me,
with harsh rays.

Dull day,

I sour and curdle
fall over the hurdles
I was trying to bound.

Dark present,

dreary moment,
I should own it
but my disposition
makes me hate
all the things
I once thought were great;

Except for the nighttime,

a sweet release,
as I go to sleep,
and don’t have to think,
until tomorrow
when I awaken refreshed,
with more optimistic words.

Living with PTSD is like riding a horse, feeling the crisp breeze, the exhilaration of the gallop, the rhythm of the horse's hooves, and the synchronicity between the rider and horse.  The goodness of life captured in the view over fields and valleys, the smell of grass and flowers, and the beauty of the sunset on the horizon.  

And out of nowhere the trigger knocks me off of the horse.  Just before I black out I see the bottom side of the horse, and his powerful hooves, right over my head.  And then there I am, on my back, smelling dirt and manure, and not knowing at all where I am, or how it is that I came to be there.  Panicking and alone, the sound of horses far away.  This can be made more confusing when someone next to me blames me for falling, as if I have fallen on purpose.  This is what it feels like.  

My horse came back today, and I'm not astride yet, but he's standing here warming me, waiting for me to climb back up, nuzzling me with his warm, wet breath, and communicating that the view is great, the air is crisp, and the rhythm of the ride awaits.

In your heart,
can you sit with the grieving,
see what they are feeling,
and grow some compassion?

Tears from a stranger,
a mother’s exhaustion,
wearing the body language
of those who’ve been broken.

No hugs allowed,
no warm faces to comfort,
no one to hold,
no matter how much we want it.

In your mind can you comprehend
what all this pain is doing to them.

It’s not rocket science,
and should be obvious.
Life is constantly changing,
bringing with it new forms of adversity.

So obviously we should meet
all of these new challenges
by embracing diversity,
learning how to see things differently
and growing into better
brighter human beings.

The past is
ashes,
burns as it
ask us
to do
what we must
to get by enough,
till time picks us
off.

It confuses
as it uses
all our truths
and illusions
to deludes us.

Nostalgic
daydreams
of never where
***** things,

fiercely fueled
solar flares
of incinerating despair,
with a gravity
that draws us
back to a path
that no longer exists,
to closest and corners
where we no longer fit.

The familiarity of all of it,
beating out the uncertainty
of a future we have yet see,
is so strangely appealing.

But I have a feeling
we should be living in
the here and now.

I’ve done
some
serious wrongs,
committed horrors
in these songs
as I worked out
where and why
I should belong.

I’ve made a lot of
errors looking for love,
not thinking enough,
drinking too much
to cover up
what a heart ache does.

I can’t say for certain
if I have caused
or eased
this world’s hurting.

Is the world better
for my existing in it,
or is it just
what it is?

I may never know,
and that’s ok.
I may never be
really great.
I can handle that,
cause when I die
I don’t plan on
coming back.

This point in my life
I am just enjoying
this self-generating light.
I may be uncertain
but I am certainly doing
alright.

It is not the lion
or the wolf
you should fear.

It’s the howling storm
that breaks the chains
you hold so dear.

The attitude that shatters
all those sacred matters
which add up to
nothing but junk food
for the human mind.

All those
restrictions
you let others impose,

all those
pathways
they told you
were not the right way to go,

the ones you knew
led to a brighter day.

I was not made
to devastate
the mental state
of hearts enslaved
by the corporate government
that barely pays minimum wage.

Destiny, was not laid before me,
I just happen to acquire
a brain that desires
to explore everything.

Fear is just the tool
used to cower fools.
Curiosity is what we all need,
to generate unlimited diversity
of dreams, scientific discoveries,
and great stories.

It will give us the power
to write new lights of insight
into our current reality,
opening up unknown possibilities,
and better ways to elevate to a higher state of free,
instead of the capitalistic prison and religion some love
that calls itself democracy.

I can only pass on a fraction
of what I see and understand.

This language is a helper,
a cleaner, sharper,
sometimes meaner
gardener
that wants to trim
my branches
and clear the whims
and fancies
that I like to play in.

But there is so much more
than what I am writing and saying,
these letters and lines
are not fully portraying
the games I am playing
in my head to get a better grasp on
what is really going on
in this human situation.

When I am well-rested,
the best is all around,
all sights and sounds,
skin sensations,
but not smells
cause I can’t tell
one scent from another.

There are worlds that transcend
the energies we spend
trying to comprehend them;
Not magical realms
or fairytale fantasy lands
just undiscovered countries
of knowledge that man
has yet to get to.

When I look at you,
I see an unknown quantity,
family history,
strange ancestry
going back to
a gross glowing goo
that went through
so much to get to
become the full wonder that you are.

I see mental calculations,
physical exertions in repetitions
and multi planar movements,
a magnitude of observations,
and opportunities that were neglected
because you let your mind and body
redirect you from truths scientific.

I see the poetry of experiences
written on your skin,
reflected in your muscles,
and the wrinkles when
you are smiling.

When I am driving
listening to audiobooks
podcasts, or music
I use all of it,
try to imagine new
and inverted ways
to say what I want to convey
passing on what makes us great
and what I hate
about the human race.

But there is just so much,
and I don’t always have
the patience to write that way.