i almost texted
"good morning i can't sleep"
to you
i guess it was a habit.

then i remembered
you are living a different life that i'm not a part of
anymore, not within nor without.

but that's okay,
we'll be strangers with some memories,
if i miss you
then that's my fault.

so,
good morning, i can't sleep.

I've tried to record
The way your name falls out of my mouth
When I drop glass onto the floor
Like my mothers list of forbidden words
In spreadsheets
Counting with fingers and letters
Every time I pass a red pushpin in a map
Of where you told me
"You're so young and immature"
Like a compliment traced with
Sobriety and melatonin
I've picked up pencils
That end up in pieces
After scrawling your dialogues
Onto "it's your own fault" paper
I've scrubbed myself raw
With people who wont
Look me in the eyes anymore
With your goodbye words
With the flashbacks of
Your hands manifesting
The uncharted areas
Of my brittle hips
How my ****** syllables were
Dinner party jokes
There's nothing that can hurt
A god of power
And business suits
Someone who's never told no
Holds a child
In a way that erases the thought of comfort
And now
I lack the maturity to refuse requests
And you tell me
I'd make a good corpse
At a funeral catered towards
Twenty-nine year old men
Who never learned the difference
Between property and personality
And my promises
Tighten around my throat
Gratefully
Like your hands
Fostering the
Aurora Borealis of love
In a way that
Makes me choke on
The things you've shown me
The things you've ruined for me
The words I will never get back
And I sit
With you surrounding me
In and out of every crevice of my body
You've claimed for yourself
Helpless
And defeated
Like a child
Just how you like me

everything could have been black and white
like an old Hollywood 1940 love story
but we like it too much complicated
all the colours of the Rainbow
and a storm gathering on the horizon

It's been drifting through the halls like a breeze sneaking through the window again.
I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

She came in through the door with Merlot stained teeth,
Speaking soft cries for the past in a high pitched voice for a few moments on the phone,
"Remember the first time I told you I loved you?"
"But we were different then."
And man on the other line,
I remembered who he was, with his thick rimmed glasses and bright blue eyes,
Stole the heart of my sister and a bit of her soul,
Now he just gives her a few minutes of his time as a small reminder.

I myself felt unwell.

My chest still felt swollen in a message from a match strike of a love,
Delivered by friends nonchalantly on the couch.
I drowned him in my aura
And set his heart on fire,
Too fast and too soon,
And it broke his heart too.

I'm trying to let it be nothing,
Take it out of myself like loose change in my pockets.
Let it be the nothing like it really almost was.

I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

His voice whispered he believed in me
and in that moment
I hid my secrets in his soul

your hair 

after you cut it

your crooked teeth

your 

cockiness

dislike 

of scratching

and 

reluctance to bite,

that you're a coward

and
emotionally 

closed; that 

yousmoked

all 

my cigarettes,


your inability to text 

or

introduce me to yourfriends,


that you always wore the sameclothes 

and looked odd
in suits

didn't believe inGodorlove
believe
 that I was smart,

that 
you broke

my ******* 
heart.