I wish I was bitter about you.
Then maybe I wouldn't cry so much.
Because right now I still love you. And sometimes you act like you still love me, but I am not sure if you actually do. Your late night phone calls but lack of effort in person has got me all confused. My emotions range from hurt, sad, depressed, annoyed, angry, all the way back to hopeful. It always lands on hopeful in the end. But wouldn't it be so much easier if i just felt bitterness. All of that confusion gone, just a little bit of bitterness in my heart. I think that would be easier.
But the problem is you haven't hurt me enough for me not to love you. So I care about you in ways that you don't even know. And that doesn't just go away.

With Love even now,
Lost Girl

i get it* okay? i know that you're tired, and i know that you want to give up, and i know i'm not worth it, and i know i'm causing you pain, and i know that deep down you don't want to be involved with me at all

i get it
my voice is not angelic, and the echoes of midnight tears and heartbreaks reverberate every time i open my mouth to tell you that i'm not okay, and i know that when you look at my face you wonder why someone who sounds so normal can look so drained, how my eyes seem so hollow, how the skin under my eyes has finally began to bloat instead of just caving in because my eyes are tired to keep looking at this reality

i get it and now is not the time for you to act sentimental and tell me through words that are strained and teeth that are clenched, eyes that are empty and hearts that are not full by the love that i've been trying to give, that you're okay and i didn't affect you at all

i know that this is not what you thought it would be and it breaks my heart to know that but i cannot change
you can pull my hand and force me to obey you but i will only go so far, because the inner workings of my mind are too **** strong to ever give up on me even if i'm ruining myself, and you cannot convince me that you will always stay because i know it's not true, and i know i can't support you either

we lean on each other partially until eventually we fall together, confused and depressed, nostalgic about a past that makes five months seem so distant, desiring something more but constantly being unfulfilled, constantly meeting a wall, constantly looking down, constantly not relying on one another, constantly counting down to a memory that is so unstable it won't happen

*i get it, this is it

I wish I could explain how much I love you
but those emotions can not be put into words
so I will never be able to let you know how much you mean to me
not even a sliver of what I feel you will understand

I'm sorry I hurt you in the past
It's the biggest mistake I ever made
you cared about me
and I threw it away
I threw you away
but I was the one who was a piece of trash
I regret that I didn't take in your love
I regret that I pushed you away

You are the only guy
who has loved me
and cared for me
and treated me like a lady
what else did I want from you?
I don't even remember.

I know that I am mean to you sometimes
sometimes I hope you will say something mean back
but you never do
you roll with the punches
and I'm sorry that I keep hitting
I just want a reaction
something, anything
but your face is a stone
and I don't know what you are thinking
I hope it's about me though

I wish I could let you know how much I care and I wish you would just care too.