Circa 1994: Favorites

Jan 2015 Circa 1994

Nina

I'm going to throw up I'm going to faint I'm going to hit the floor and let the blood pound pound pound in my head like a ******* drum like the one that our good friend Chris plays.
And I'm going to cry and I'm going to scream and I'm going to tear out my skin and my eyes will burn red like a sunrise like the sunrise we watched that morning when I gave you everything.
I'm going to hit the wall with my fists and yell and yell until my throat is raw and "why did I fall so ******* deep oh my gosh HOW WAS I SO STUPID SO. *******. Stupid."
I can't even type because my hands are shaking and my head is pounding and my chest is heaving and I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.

this is possibly the realest thing I've ever written

#love #poem #pain #hurt #please #**** #you #**** #over #dont

Jan 2015 Circa 1994

Threesome

Jan 2015 Circa 1994

Joshua Haines

*******

Pale body, blue eyes
Dark haired WASP;
adopted.
Cigarette burns
Cigarette breath
Black nail polish;
worn like her gaze.
Plump lips;
Tastes like
*******
and
"he left."

Milk body, brown eyes
Blond haired voice;
accent consumes.
Diseased brain
***** like a parasite
Blood-shot red nails;
scratching at life's surface.
Chapped lips;
Chews on them
like a blown tire
dying between metal
and the road.

Our bodies shifted in and out
like an ameba.
Suffocated by lost teenage years
and daddy issues.
Riding my knee.
On my face.
I want to disappear
into outer space.

Skeleton ***;
our corpses mix.
Sweat stained smiles.
Soap smothered tiles.
Showering with two souls
as lost as mine.

Jan 2015 Circa 1994

American Me

Jan 2015 Circa 1994

Joshua Haines

American Me

I'm a white, male,
American dreamsicle
who says "****"
way too much
to not be cool.

I read about my father issues
on my mother's face.
I hate things and people
because the news told me to.
Art is ****** and ****** is art;
when Billy killed Sue,
my heart raced.
Do drugs with me
or do none at all;
promise me when we're high
we won't fall.

There are ******* on the street
and the cops are shooting them.
There are ******* kissing
and old, white men are scared.
There are mentally ill people
and they are "seeking attention".
There are women with voices
and old, white men are scared.

I am an American Dreamsicle:
cold, unhealthy, and killing your kids.
You can buy me for 40% off
and I promise to take 60% of your ideals.
I am what my parents don't want me to be
and that is the appeal.
Little do I know, I am every thing you are
and that is my cancer.

Me trying.

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

thaw

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Gregorius Evyrian

thaw

It's cold in here
beneath flesh and bone
otherwise ignored.
Wake me when it's warmer.
When the songs are lifted through branches filled with heat.
For now I'll survive.
It's going to be a long winter.
Everything will be alright.
My shadow told me so.

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

a haiku I guess

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Gregorius Evyrian

a haiku I guess

What am I to you,
The space where a painting hung?
Just a vacancy?

I don't know which of us is pretending harder. It's like the opposite of having your cake and eating it too... scraping sweet nothings into the trash and setting them on fire. I wish that it wasn't keeping me up at night. I don't know how long I'm going to feel the thumping numbness in my chest. It scares me. I'd rather bleed so I could know that something really was awry. Right now it feels like everything is okay with you and that hurts. I understand though. I'm not what you need. More likely, I'm not what you want. Wanted. Needed. Past tense. I can't get there. I can't call it the past. That would be giving up. Admitting defeat. Loss. Is there supposed to be a winner in love? Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm trying to win a game of hearts that can't exist. You tell me you want to be alone. Your heart isn't telling me that. I want to help you but you say I lost my chance. I didn't realize how easy that would be. When you tell me you don't know what we were, or what you're feeling, I know that it's a mask. I understand though. I don't deserve to see inside your veil...

I don't think I can stop feeling for you. Sorry ahead of time. I'm a terrible friend.

The rush of it all keeps moving me in a cycle. I can't feel the tug but it pulls me and pushes my head beneath the surface. I see you in the stream for a fleeting moment. Your light is too bright not to notice, even within her cage. I'm handing you iron to reinforce your cell and it only makes you sink faster. You're saved soon enough, because you simply aren't there. The ephemeral sight of you leaves me broken in the water. I drink to my lungs' content.

This isn't meant to be read but I know you hate to see words deleted and erased. As if the small gesture of posting whatever this is with a footnote from hell will save me from the oblivion that is not knowing you.

Oh well. I can just keep on swimming. Hoping that the current brings me past your prison of shattered light. Stay bright and beautiful. Don't take what I say too seriously. Not even I know what I'm trying to say.

#oopsimadeanote

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

not a real thought

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Gregorius Evyrian

not a real thought

i'll never stop believing in the past.
look at me and wonder
one last time.
voice to me your heart
eye to eye.
you feel too, you've told me so
over and over again. still,
understanding came too slowly

for me.

A little bit pathetic. A little bit scorned. I can't expect this to echo far, but if you hear it there's something. Did you voice your heart? Did you ever feel? One letter away from knowing.

#gibberish

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Regretful

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Gregorius Evyrian

Regretful

Remembering is easy
I can still see your face
I can still hear your voice
I can feel your hair between my fingers
The hard part comes next,
the knowing
the finality of understanding
these memories are all we'll ever have
When I so desperately need
to be reminded of
the way you frown
and click.
I remember everything
and that makes it hardest
when I look back and see
the way that I poisoned you.

Regret is a really sharp word.

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Her Voice

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Muggle Ginger

Her Voice

She said, "I can't swim"
With a voice so confident
The ocean believes
They're still best friends.

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

The Secret Annex

Dec 2014 Circa 1994

Muggle Ginger

The Secret Annex

I arrived at your house this morning, and snuck through the front door.
You father didn't hear and your mother didn't see.
The steep stairs creaked as we followed our quick-moving feet.
In secret nooks that look like your mind, we whispered secrets that could have changed the world;
Your mind is brighter than the dim fluorescent lights.
It makes me feel more human to hear what your heart and mind have agreed upon.
Mostly the world needs more compassion, to allow people to be more than what they're labeled.
You may be a Jew, but you're also a human.
I may be a man, but I'm also a human.
Every human has this in common.
When I saw your room, I lost the fight with my tears.
Your ambition and hope suffered for years.
And so, Anne Frank, I will remember you.
Humans are more than strangers, and freedom is more than living.
I won't take either for granted.

The Anne Frank House was one of the most solemn and moving experiences of my life.