I don't know which of us is pretending harder. It's like the opposite of having your cake and eating it too... scraping sweet nothings into the trash and setting them on fire. I wish that it wasn't keeping me up at night. I don't know how long I'm going to feel the thumping numbness in my chest. It scares me. I'd rather bleed so I could know that something really was awry. Right now it feels like everything is okay with you and that hurts. I understand though. I'm not what you need. More likely, I'm not what you want. Wanted. Needed. Past tense. I can't get there. I can't call it the past. That would be giving up. Admitting defeat. Loss. Is there supposed to be a winner in love? Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm trying to win a game of hearts that can't exist. You tell me you want to be alone. Your heart isn't telling me that. I want to help you but you say I lost my chance. I didn't realize how easy that would be. When you tell me you don't know what we were, or what you're feeling, I know that it's a mask. I understand though. I don't deserve to see inside your veil...

I don't think I can stop feeling for you. Sorry ahead of time. I'm a terrible friend.

The rush of it all keeps moving me in a cycle. I can't feel the tug but it pulls me and pushes my head beneath the surface. I see you in the stream for a fleeting moment. Your light is too bright not to notice, even within her cage. I'm handing you iron to reinforce your cell and it only makes you sink faster. You're saved soon enough, because you simply aren't there. The ephemeral sight of you leaves me broken in the water. I drink to my lungs' content.

This isn't meant to be read but I know you hate to see words deleted and erased. As if the small gesture of posting whatever this is with a footnote from hell will save me from the oblivion that is not knowing you.

Oh well. I can just keep on swimming. Hoping that the current brings me past your prison of shattered light. Stay bright and beautiful. Don't take what I say too seriously. Not even I know what I'm trying to say.