I mouthed the words while we were lying on your bed
Your fingers tracing my arm
Our faces so close
Our legs so tangled
Your eyes were closed
You tell me I am the only person you feel comfortable talking about 'feelings' with

My arm on your neck
I mouthed the words I don't yet know if I could ever say to your face
I don't know if I will ever understand them enough to
"It's different with you"
"It's never been like this before"
We work so well
You make me so happy
"I'm usually a depressed ******* in the summer, but this summer is so different. Not all because of you 'cause that wouldn't be healthy. But you changed something in me."

And I know you're not perfect
And you know I'm not perfect
But together

We're pretty **** close.

When you finally get to close your eyes
And turn off your mind.

Hitting reset
For the next sunrise,
Except some of us stay up
All through the night.

Watching the sun come again like we did the day before.
Not getting that refreshed start.
Instead sitting alone in the dark,
Begging in our hearts
For just a few ******* hours.
Eventually pleading for a few minutes
To just shut off our thoughts.

Slowly I count the days,
Scratching the marks on the walls of my brain.
My demons end up coming into play and I just want an escape.

The days slowly repeat and all I want is some sleep
But I'm cursed at the moment,
Stuck in the torment of
A well performing zombie act,
A temporary insomniac.

Sometimes
I get this feeling where eyes have come to focus on me, they keep popping up in the dark like the cartoons on TV.
Then the questions begin.
"What are you doing?"
"What are your goals?"
"What is your purpose?"

The list goes on and on
Repeating in my head.

And all I do is shut down
From fake expectations
I made up in my mind.

I just wish I knew why.

sometimes
                                                       ­                         my
                                     ­ brain
                       doesn’t
                                                       ­     work

right
                                                ­                               and

                             my

                                              thoughts

     ­                                         scatter

               ­                                                    like
                               beads

                                     spilled
                               on
                                                              ­                 tile

floor