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I promised Nick I'd take him out
of Pennsylvania, away from evergreen
trees and our troubles. My car leaked carbon
monoxide, but never enough to ****
us. Where we lived, things never changed.
Two out of three stores open on Main Street,
two gas stations where people paid $3.64
a gallon just to leave, a grocery store
that never settled on a name, and a police
force with histories no cleaner
than their patrol cars. If you've taken Route 6
through, you've seen too much. We dreamt
of Lady Liberty raising her torch to the sunset
in defense of the Empire State, or simply to pluck
it like a musician playing for pennies
near Strawberry Fields from the sky.
The Big Apple, where people make art instead
of excuses and the brightest lights aren't fixed
atop police cars.

Years have passed since our dreams died in '13.
We're stationed at desks in different hemispheres
for different reasons. All he has left are his lonesome
thoughts and all I have are mine. It won't be long
before my pen becomes a serpent and strangles
me in my sleep or my butterscotch disks turn
to cyanide. I'll always hold steadfastly
to our dreams underground.

Nick, I promise you that one day, we'll make
it to New York.
 Feb 2014 Cassandra Leigh
KM
I want to go to coffee shops with you
See the world from your point of view
Watch the ocean waves break and crash
Run through the rain as the thunder cracks
I want to sing with you in the morning light
Hear you whisper between us in the night
Stand atop a mountain and take in the view
I want to go to coffee shops with you
1/31/2014
walk into room from shower
Write message to hopeless love interest on Facebook
comb hair
wonder if I used to lose this many when I was younger
make a neat pile to see if its a substantial amount
eh
itch in ear
walk to bathroom
consider if i should see a therapist about anxiety because of potential hair loss
grab 2 q tips
return to room
cleaned ears
chose to ignore it
seen 4 minutes ago
No reply
 Jan 2014 Cassandra Leigh
Hannah
Protect me from what I want
hold steadfast to my good side
save me from the insanity of depression
keep me from my darkest desires that I hide

Protect me from what I want
help me do what’s right
prevent me from hurting this body I’m in
save me from the fires of hell

Protect me from what I want
take my hand and tell me it’s ok
hold me close when I cry
banish my nightmares, tell them to go away

Protect me from what I want:
be careful what you wish for, they say.
I guess i should listen,
because what I wish for
may end up to be,
an irreversible mistake
its mornings like this one
that I wonder if I have a problem
slumped over
shaking
a symphony of heaves being shared with the porcelain
waking up next to someone I certainly shouldn't be
broke
and broken
bruised
curious little indications
that the night before
I was yet again out of control

its mornings like this one
I don't know that girl in the mirror
she's crass and careless
unwavering in her "i'm hard" demeanor
empty
with only the faintest of memories
of who she used to be
drowning in the onslaught of bubbling beverages
she does it to herself though
leaving me with the aftermath

its mornings like this one
id like to ****** that reflection
i'm just not that selfish
On a Monday Morning we dawned our wool sweaters
and walked into the cold
so cold
so cold
Into the crowd we looked out to their faces, looked straight into their eyes,
and felt their stares
so cold
so cold
Late into the evening on a Friday she sits alone
and remembers their judgement
so cold
so cold
Today I went to a hundred funerals
Today I wept a thousand times
I saw a million faces
All ready with their lines

Today I waited through
Ten thousand people
Claiming
To have known you

Today I lit a hundred candles
I wished a hundred wishes
I thought a thousand times if
Only I were the one
Sleeping with the fishes

Today I wore a hundred dresses
Some with lace
Or ribbons on the back
But I never noticed the design
'Cause all of them were black

Today I followed a hundred processions
Leading steady past a thousand graves
And a thousand grieving faces
Looked up to meet my eyes
As if to say “I know you”
And I know the pain that you have faced




Today I walked for miles and miles
In a procession that sometimes
Had horses and sometimes
Had shiny cars
And I walked in front to lead them on
Or I walked in back so nobody could see too closely
The decisions racing through my head
Should I stand?
Should I leave
Should I wail in agony into the sky
Or just burst out into hysterical laughter

And today
A hundred times
I finally rose to speak
As I always knew I would
At a hundred different podiums
In a hundred different dresses
In two hundred different shoes
To a thousand different people
Sometimes a small intimate gathering
Sometimes a haunted silent crowd reaching as far
As the eye can see
Past headstones
And tombstones
And flowers with their grieving faces
I looked out across this a hundred times
And yet I never knew just what to say
I burst into to tears
Or fits of fury
I stood silently hoping
That I’d never need to know what to say
Except maybe one day
But far in the future
After our dreams are reached
And our goals are achieved
And we are proud of who we are

Not sitting and waiting
For the test results to come back
As in my head strolls a party
All dressed in black

Today I went to a hundred funerals
I sang a hundred songs, true
Today I went to a hundred funerals
Every one of them for you
I thought I knew what love was like.
I thought I could ride it like a bike.
Go fast or slow as I saw fit
with a cushy seat on which to sit.
Hop off when I got tired or sore
and ride again if I got bored.

But there is no rhyme or reason
Love is unexpected
and so were you

— The End —