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part i.

my room
clean, precise
ready
a navy dress
dainty, floral
like a little girl
loved

landing lights off
scuffle of feet rushing
silence
in this serenity
i am chaos

soft music soothing
a specialised playlist
could this be an anymore
cliché way to die?

i listen to time
awaiting a moment
sent by a rhythm

02:00
hold on
32 pills
34
or was it 68?
it doesn’t matter

02:30
what future?
there is no war
it’s all in my head

stop
what
no
need
thoughts
out
dizzy

‘help’

part ii.

what were you thinking
are you crazy
stupid stupid girl
how many

why

I don’t know
not anymore
but it will be fine
I will go to sleep

no fuss

agitation
irritable
useless
annoyance

what had I expect

strangers in the room
my room
but the only stranger
was me

I had known nothing less

voices?
did they tell you to do this?
I laughed in my mind
how cliché do they think I am

no it’s just me

part iii.

numbness and weariness
overwhelmed me
bitter bile rose
a long day ahead

name?
address?
birth date?
what made you do this?

over and over again
ringing in my ears
as I answered in the numbness
I had become

a barcode being scanned
not being looked at once more
I fought the urge to lie
well not completely

ward 14
darkness
panic
blankness

part iv.

drip drip drip
awoken to a beat
my heart or
the machine
I wish I knew

awoken to regret
a coward
a shadow
always

light shining
outside
I have become an outsider

ironically

part v.**

her scars.
trailing down her arms
I wonder
how long would it take
for her scar in her mind to heal

I make suicide look normal

her screams.
rattled the bones in my body
she was
an unravelled mayhem
in pandemonium

her shouts.
were more like pleading
between herself
and whom appeared
a fragment of a nightmare

her crying.
lasted for hours
all through the night
when she stopped
it was only the crying that stopped

I was the intruder

there was a silence in ward 14
I wanted anything but a silence
to think
think
think

looking at her sleeping form
I wonder
what she wanted to forget
but no
silence is louder than words

I was told I could go home
I should have wanted to
but there was a safeness
a safeness like me
security from outside

as I walked away
the weight of eyes
made me sink into a guilt
that I dare not look back
at ward 14
let me sleep
in a deep slumber
until the pillows suffocate me
until the bed envelops me
how kind

let me sleep
long enough
so I never awake
to burdens
of a restless mind

leave me be
so I never hear
another cry
echoing echoing
in the brain

leave me be
an undisturbed state
not in vain, nor pain
but rather,
sane
you
are the cause
and the
effect

and letting go of you
would cause me
the greatest
displeasure

yet you would
still be the greatest
effect, I wish to not
remember.
i wish to unmeet you
         only to meet you again.
people say silence speaks
louder than words
but tell me
how does silence balance
the e c h o
of you

it doesn't matter how much
i rearrange twenty-six letters
i still cannot bring myself
to s p e a k
let alone have the right words to say,
ironically
you never really hated the memories,
only who you shared them with
When I risk a thought of you, all I can see is:

A heart of warmth

The lips containing the key to seduction

A smile holding the recipe to happiness

Fingers extracting the magic of kindness

A brain imagining the unimaginable

The effect of one person can seem so little on the outside to you

But could be all they've got on the inside

I couldn't remember the last minute gone by where I haven't thought of you

Not a night where I haven't cried from my eyes all the way through

A dream, colourfully torn. full of deceiving images of our love, of what it could have been

This is not a memory of us, this is just what I've seen
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