I once had
Pictures of you
Pinned all over my room.
Snapshots of times that I laughed
Times where it felt
Like I was glowing.
They were my favourite pictures
Taken in moments
Where I felt giddy
And like I was someone special.
I'd even keep the bad ones
The blurry, the blinking
The "Delete that now!"
I kept them all
As when I was with you
I smiled so much.
Time moves on
And you never treasured
Those pictures
Those memories
In the way that I did
So, after a while,
I took the photos down
And filled their space
With other days
That I barely remember.

In the warm glow of birthday candles
My playlist on in the background
I tell myself
It's moments like this
I'll remember forever.
I'll remember being young
And laughing
Forever.
And it will make me smile
As I am having such a nice time.

My youth is slipping through my fingers
Hot butter, melting down my palm
Cascading slowly
Drip dripping
And there is nothing I can do
To hold onto it.

You are honey dripping
Through my
Outstretched fingers,
Saccharine sugar dissolving
On my tongue.
After tasting you
My lips are sweet
And syrupy,
Sticky and shining
In the opal light.
Without you
I am coffee
Scalding and bitter.
But
After you sample me
I am a blend of spices
Aromatic and vivid
Exotic and rare.
I make your
Tongue burn with heat
And tingle
Long after I've left you
You can still
Taste me in the air.
I dream of your
Cloying sweetness
And you my
Powerful, consuming heat.

I watch my window weep
Condensation
Small droplets drip
Onto the sill.
I should learn to listen
To sorrow
I cry
And always will.

I hate the burn of rejection
It cuts with a claw
That will sting
My heart wants
Only devotion
And yet
Craves  
Any small thing.

My mind calls out
For an answer
And thinks silence
Is a thing to be missed
I miss the warmth
Of a lover
And my lips still
Long to be kissed.

It's lonely here in the ocean
My boat floats
Far out to sea
I only wish
That somebody
Was home and
Calling for me.

So my window weeps
Condensation
And I cry for the lost
And the free
I face the fear
Of a world that is open
When I am caged
And oh so empty.

You pick me up in your car
I'm already waiting outside
Shopping and lunch, you suggest
I think it's the perfect plan.

As you drive, we catch up
(I hate that we've been apart)
You tell me stories
About people I don't know
Jokes I don't understand
But try to laugh at
All the same.

Somewhere, on the way
Your car splutters
And fails to start on the hill
You're annoyed, say we'll be stuck here
I am secretly thrilled
But then worry
That you don't want to be with me
For that long.

It clearly shows on my face
As you reassure me
Put your hand on my leg
(I wish you would keep it there)
And tell me help is on its way.

Your Mum arrives
As you're calling a repairman
She calls me your girlfriend
I don't correct her
And stand close to you
When your phone call ends.

I try not to read into it
When you don't move away
(After all, we're used to being close)
But still savour the warm smile
Your Mum gives me
Before she drives away.

We window shop for hours
Slip back into our old rhythm
I reach for your hand
Instinctively
But you move yours away
Before mine has reached it
And I'm left grabbing
At the air
Trailing behind you.

We try on stupid hats
And laugh and laugh
(Is it weird that we're friends now?)
You're in a great mood
And I'm proud to be with you
As you put on a show
That passers by
Stop and smile at.
(It's awful being just your friend now)

We have lunch at a bistro
Our table is small and intimate
And our knees touch
Under the table
It makes me blush but
I love it.

You say you have something
You want to tell me
My heart leaps
And flutters.
I take a sip of milkshake
To avoid saying something
Stupid.

You look me in the eye
And tell me
That you've met someone
And she's perfect
You couldn't be happier
You have a smile
 fixed on your face.

The milkshake
Curdles with my stomach acid
My mouth is dry
I think I'm going to be sick
And excuse myself.

You don't notice
That I'm quiet for the rest
Of our lunch.
You speak enough for
The both of us
Telling me stories
That I don't want to hear.

My ears ring
Like mourning bells
And I feel dizzy.
My face is pale
Under the artificial lights
I wish I was anywhere
But here.

You drive me home
Thank me for the
Nice afternoon we had.
I go in and know
That I can never see you
Again.

As I am not your friend
And never can be
As I am not quite over you
And I'm hurting
More than I'd admit.

I put sun cream on in the bedroom
You told me you liked the smell.
Later, sand stuck to it
When your hand was on my thigh
And your tongue in my mouth.
I tell my mother but not my friends
Because it wasn't as good
As I thought it would be
And I'm worried I did something wrong.
The next day
I avoid your gaze in the cafe
But you see me and
You pay for my ice coffee.
We go for a walk
I'm too awkward to say a thing
Our hands nearly brush, never touch.
We reach the pier
And I feel comfortable enough
To tease you about
Your Hawaiian shirt.
You're bashful, tell me it's second hand
And it smells musty, like dust
I suggest sun cream
And you smile, it's not awkward anymore.
You walk me home and
Kiss me before I go in
I thank you for the coffee
And watch as you walk
Down the path
Glowing in the evening sun.
Summer ends
And you promise to call
But never seem to find the time.
I watch your life unfold on Facebook
And we become strangers.
But I still think of you
Whenever I smell
Sun cream on my skin.