there is no color for regret
this fist of hindsight clenched in my stomach
sitting heavy, firm and uneasy

i can't paint over this lingering, wholesome sorrow
splashed in my lamentable eyes

the agony is blind and cannot feel its way out of this dark corridor
the uneasiness is more real than the feeler

repentance is stuck in my teeth and gnaws at my tongue
discomfort catches its fingernails on the chalkboard recesses of the past

regret

regret

the neon open sign flickers and its fumes are toxic

there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my cracked chest
out of the corner of my eye i see you swaying on saltwater sound
filling my lungs and stinging your throat with the dryness of almonds
the chord crests
you slip out of sight and i am seasick

there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my taut throat
your right hand caresses chalices with the ghost of a graze
your left hand haunts your hair, denoting the declination of your neck

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into my empty stomach
i am walking away with widowed dreams deemed deadly
you are walking away

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into the chasm of my chest
sleep slips from my hands long after your silence

i'm so ******* tired of writing about you

miserere mei deus

i'm sick of all these ******* dreams

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i'm fed up with the sleepless nights

et secundum multitudinem

the daylight hauntings

miserationum tuarum

the midnight ******* tears

dele iniquitatem meam




i hate that flutter in my gut that i only feel when i think of you

miserere mei deus

i hate that my heart rises in my throat only when i hear you laugh

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i hate that i love you

et secundum multitudinem

i hate that i love you

miserationum tuarum

i hate that i love you

*dele iniquitatem meam

i can't decide which is worse

the silence, or the tears that crackle in your throat when you tell me that i hurt you

that roaring silence, or the tears that hollow out your mouth when you tell me that you're sorry

the deafening silence, or the tears that coat your tongue when you tell me you'll be okay

parked outside my house at sunset, you stare out ahead
squinting at the empty street, your eyes are shining

now the sun is behind the mountains and i remember that i've never seen you cry

i remember again why i hate the summer as the jeep jostles on the bumpy dirt road to the river

my shorts ride up over my knees and i have to keep my hands splayed over my thighs so you won't see the godawful things i carved into them years ago

the music blares and skips like my heartbeat does when we hit a pothole and you go flying into me

you laugh, leaning against my shoulder like it's nothing to you

i laugh, the heat of the day creeping into my face because you're everything to me

i stammer out something dry and everyone laughs

you look at me, the glitter of the sun against the river quite clear in your eyes and in your smile

you tell me you smile with your eyes and i believe you

i adjust my sunglasses for the third time but by the time we arrive in a cloud of dust and laughter the sun is already behind the tree lined mountains

my mind spoils the innocence of holding you close in a cold movie theater
i am thankful for the darkness that protects you from the look that poured into my face when you touched me
my hands are clasped together and i'm glad you can't see them shaking
you've leaned your head on my shoulder and i'm hoping to god you can't feel my heart beating even from there
your fingers creep up my arm to bring me closer and my eyes flutter closed
and i pray that you didn't hear my breath catch in my throat
you've got to stop or i might just fall in love with you, my body whispers
are you warm enough?, my mouth says instead