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C X Rutledge Sep 2015
10 years later.
I'm still right here, but no cotton mouth this time. I'm driving a better car but miss the one I used to have. Parked in a patch of pavement meant for a pool, but now it's just an empty field. A city cop drives by, I duck my head low behind tinted windows...
A beam of light pierces through..
As he drives past I throw my beer bottle and run because I know he'll come back, even if he isn't County he can still get me for DUI..
Don't need another one of those..
I go to hide behind an old friends house, he has a daughter now.
She's 3.
He's back in school, I'm happy for you, Tyler...
The cop drives back by just like I knew he would, I watch from behind a fence. I feel 14 again, minus 3 friends. He slows to a stop then drives on. I get back in, put in a pinch and drive home. Glad I live right down the road.
Somethings never change. Maybe I should try and steal a stop sign...
Back home for a visit and I found myself sitting at the old playground/pool in my neighborhood and thoughts I'd right on my story when this happened.... Wish I could go back in time.
C X Rutledge May 2015
It's time to cease chasing after ghosts... because there are no such thing.
It's time to stop peeking under the bed at night... Because monsters don't exist.
It's time to shut out the lights without running through the darkness...  Because there is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light.
It's time to quit pulling the covers over my head... Because nothing is there to get me.
It's time to grow up... Because I've been acting like a child for far too long.
It's time for me to end this sleepover... Because when you're here, I'm miles away.
It's time to wake up... Because the dream is over. I'm now aware that I've spent most of this life asleep... My eyes are open.
This is just one of those things I can relate to(obviously)
C X Rutledge Apr 2015
Drilling through flesh to find something worth sparing. Yanking out veins, arteries I'm tearing.
A drastic change from who I used to be. In unsubtle ways this world has altered me.
I'm searching for something worth nailing to my cross. But my search turns up nothing, and my intestines are in knots.
Digging and sivving, through heavy, labored, breathing. Rending and bending, through tendons I'm teething.
Im dredging up the dead that lay in my mind. I'm trying to find the peace of a sweeter time.
But I only go so deep, because of what lies bellow. A skull full of dead rabbits where even Alice wouldn't go.
Tying sinew to their paws I make them dance and jest. I fear what I've become because I'm alone and have killed the rest.
And yet I'm still smiling through the blood, and the tears, and the pain. Because deep down in my past I've found that I am the one to blame.
I have scorched my skies, I have charred my earth. I was my own downfall, to You my Friend.
For what's it's worth.
Jotting around, trying to make something.
C X Rutledge Apr 2015
I remember us all sneaking across fences to grab the cooler full of beers she said were behind her dad's house. The back lights came on and we became swift as wind, running down alongside the river bank laughing and choking drunk all of us were. But we got our beers.

I remember leaving the house party, stumbling from one side of town to the other, smashing every pumpkin I saw along the way. When you found me, I was dazed. You said you just followed the guts along side the road and smiled.

I remember the bonfire at the moon towers, they drove off the flats in a fit of youth and invincibility. I half heartedly mocked, "they're gonna wreck. " Two hours later we picked them up from the side of a dirt, gravel, road as they walked away from the shattered glass and mangled trees. He still thanks me to this day for the ride home.

I remember walking down the street with you and that ******* my back, the street in front of your house. We all looked up for some reason and saw that ghostly flash of light pass across the front of the light pole. We froze, and then calmly walked back to your front porch, ours brains wracked with what it could have been. We still don't know.

I remember seeing you at her funeral, you were torn down and she was being laid to rest at an age much to young, only 15. You were with your new boyfriend but you still said you wished it was me by your side and for a moment life didn't seem so grey and hazy. I still never apologized for being who I was. I'm sorry.

I remember more about the sleepy little town we all grew in than I care to admit, holding all these moments close to my heart. It was the only place that felt like it accepted me. Even now that everyone is gone and our shades haunt that high school, I still feel a presence when I go back home to visit. Our little Donnie Darko town.
Each one of these is just a snippet of a memory out of millions while experiencing life in my home town.  I leave names out because it's better that way.  I leave out my age at the time of the memory because these are timeless to me. I wish I could go back again.
C X Rutledge Dec 2014
Here I am, drunk again.
So long friend.
I can't recall how many times I tried to reach you. Or how many time my student became the teacher, but I'm drunk again.
Remember all those bottles left unshared.
Got my brain in a snare.
Remember how I tried to care? But I'm drunk again.
Tip the top til it topples over, this stables staggering, are we sure it's sober?
No, no, November was waiting but we're still just debating. Am I drunk again?
Killed you with water, drownd you with tomorrow's sorrow.
But we're you listening?
This fires raging but still contained. I promised I'd stay sain, if only to show you.
If only to hold you.
If only I was sober.
If only you would stop smoking those sick clovers.
But I'm drunk again.
So long friend.
Drunk :p
C X Rutledge Dec 2014
Yesterday is gone, she left early this morning, and all she left behind was a blood stain on the tile bathroom sink and some loose teeth in the trash. She didn't even have the courtesy to shut the front door on her way out... So much for Yesterday.

Waking up to strangers laughing at the situation I politely asked, "Who the **** are you?" Laughs turn to silence, smiles to still faces. They turn and walk out the same door as Yesterday... Doesn't anybody know how to shut a door?

Lying in bed I can't keep my mind about me. My mind is wide open, thoughts laid open, just like that door. So, I roll over closer to Today so that maybe I can put my hands around Tomorrow,  but either way I'm not satisfied with my lovers and still reminisce on Yesterday... Still, I can't close that door.

Dawn turns to Dusk and I'm just now dusting the stars off my bed. The Day leaves in deshevelment. I recall why I need new friends.

The blood stains the blue tile sink a permanent streak, someone forgot to clean up the glass and loose teeth. I remember my door left gaping... The door to my life.

I traverse the planet riddle carpet to the edge of the universe; my life; the four walls I know.  I manage to seal the door in blood and oaths... But I don't lock it... I leave the outside light on... Just incase Yesterday decides to come back, just so she can walk back in; my life... So much for Yesterday.
Long but worth it.. A story within a poem within a story.
C X Rutledge Dec 2014
You never really know just how close you came to being swallowed by the sun, you just felt it's warmth and gentle glow.

The breeze that came from a hurricane you never saw.

You can't truly understand how delicious the air is until you realise that death is right in front of you, taking in every exhale, waiting to swatch the breath from your lungs.

The footprint you left as its being drowned by the tidal wave.

Words cannot convey how vivid every thought counts, not until you're faced with the vast, empty, void of silence.

The life you have, and the life that you truly deserve.

You never know just how you safe you are as you sleep in the center of the Hands of God, until He removes them.

Go in God's Hands.
You never know til they're not there.
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