She told me that I am


              Kind and caring and


After I help her out some


              She tells me I'm sweet


I tell her,


                  Despite what you hear


      I try to help out however I can


          Because I know how it feels


To have no one around to help


               And how no one likes me


And talks about me






               She looks at me and says,



I love you!



        I would never talk about you



And if I did,


        It's about something funny you said


                 She tells me not to listen


To what people say about me



          'Cause she knows



              That I'm a good person,



     That I'm sweet and helpful



           I've thought recently,



                   Very, very recently,



    About confiding in her about



How much this hurts,



             And if I was brave



                  I'd cry my eyes out




   Because I've told another,



                 Got teary eyed but



      It never went further down



              




            Before all of this



She tells me of her cousin







          And how she worries







For him after Trump was elected







          And I'm left to wonder







How it feels to date someone







        With the same name






                                        As a cousin

It's like coming up for air,
The first time in a decade
And I've felt heartbreak
When he said to not go down
That it was a black hole
And can you feel it?
Can you feel the way it comes together?

Maybe I need to learn the tricks of putting a toothbrush down my throat
Maybe I have a war in my mind and I'm crazy
Maybe I think I'm not enough sometimes
Maybe I ruin everything with the things I have said

But if this is it,
If there is nothing left,
If you didn't tell every person you met that obviously liked you that you were already getting married,
It will be greater than thousands of black holes
Rushing through my body

Before you go
Write something I'd only know
Without ever braving to show

Write about the humidity
Of that day,
Write about the thickness of tongues
Holding back words too scared to say

Write about how I wanted your arm
To be around me then,
How that light somehow dwindled and dimmed

Tell the story of blue and grey,
The way we were carefree that day
And your cheeks blushed in a different kind of way
About the memories for you won't stay
And how every picture loses meaning
And like a sunset, begins to fade

Write about the way you replace this thing,
Cover the discolored paint with the beauty your new life brings

Send it disclosured to me,
I'll rub my thumb along it to help my blindness see
All the things you wished I used to be

I'll brand it on my skin,
Lace it down with ribbons the color of your eyes
And show the world every time
Placed over my treasured heart,
A feeling of sublime

You shall know
the truth and
the truth shall set
you free

And I feel like
I have died
and there isn't anything
Left in me

But somehow
Flowers and trees,
Butterflies and birds
That sing are
Replaced with new

And even though
I'm way, way past the end
And I know I will
Never see you again
You'll always be my friend

And my pain will
Wash away my dusted sins
And a new life will begin

If you consider what was done
Anywhere different than me
I would attempt and fail
At feeling sorry for you

If you think it's what I deserved,
I'd simply ask how it's your place
To ever consider that for me
A tale as old as time,
Two wrongs do not make a right
You'll get yours too

Like I have time and time again,
By people dragging a dead horse around
The stench slows me down,
Kills me a little every time

Any line of view is better
Than the face I want to punch,
You were just like everyone else
So I'll tell you the same thing too

You're not above me,
You never were and you never will be
You were just another disappointment
In the long list of them

The equivalent of another shout out
If I ever decide to grow the backbone
It so rightfully takes
To end it all

Nephew*
That's the name of the game.
Nose Go
That's how you start.
One two worded hint
Worthless ******.
The rules are simple.
There is only one rule
It's a delight to break,
Hard to forget when implanted.
You can collect dust in your room
Or spend time with your family.
You can explore,
Foot accessible form.
You can do anything.
But you can't sit around and play rewind.

Of the strob lights,
Hands in the air.
She's a queen working hard for that money.
And you sit alone,
Drink the nastiest thing to ever be created.
You go home alone to the sound of a scream.
Dear God, here.
Take it. Take the ******* pack,
My father's car.
Point me in the direction to hit restart.

But not the point of laying in his room.
Dusty and grimy,
He can't even stand the sight of you.
But when he blows smoke into your mouth,
It's the only thing you have sustainable.
So you hold on.
And you walk in the summer heat,
You lose that weight.
But he isn't there.
And your eyes twitch.
No glass table is as fragile as your reputation.
And you're sitting in your yard,
The sun's going down.
It makes a grey and blue hue.
But not the same kind.

So let's go back more.

You're fourteen and you grab your crotch.
He rolls his eyes,
It's just a front.
He ties the knot and sits down.
There's so much to learn about him.
So you get up.
You follow him to the porch.
Is the rain cold?
Is the birds chirping?
Does your weight cause the gravel to squish louder?
You don't know.

Do you not get addicted to drugs?
Do you go to college?
Do you eat healthier?
Would you have been enough?

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

You bite your lip as he stands up,
Illuminated by the grey and blue flooding her room.
He was a ******* God to your innocence.
But you don't follow him.
The puff of cool morning air and the rain,
It would have been bigger than his.

And now?
  *Now you walk alone

This last go around it was
abundant in your voice.
You sneakily throw in my face
just one of the many pretty things
this mouth could bring to life.
You know your marks,
you know where it hurts most.
I finally tried to be better,
the one that used to make your heart sing.
But every time you come around,
just silent screaming blurs.
It isn't anyone's fault,
just the way stars cross.
Filled with regret,
I can never seem to forget
the way it used to be.
Just you and me and
the endless possibilities.

White stands for purity.
Everything starts out this way,
even the devil.

Yellow is for life.
There is life in everything,
just take it all in.
Stop holding onto grudges,
one upping the component.

Blue is just what happens.
Everything sometimes makes you feel blue,
but it's mainly just a favorite color to some.

Pink stands for comfort.
Find comfort in everything you have.
I could wish people let that part go,
but I don't want people to feel bad anymore.

Black stands for death.
No matter how many wrongs we try to right,
no matter how many fights we win,
we all will die.

Red stands for blood.
Or roses, maybe a nice lipstick color. Possibly someone's hair, a shirt that they wear, or maybe just a shinny new hat.

Maybe I don't deserve to know,
Maybe I already do and I simply...
Just can't admit it to myself because
I stretch myself thin but
Not the thin guys like you like

Maybe I can't handle reality because
Everything is my fault as always
I want to play the victom but I lost it all,
From the way these hands move and
The words my mouth speak

Maybe I didn't understand the way you looked at me,
Maybe it was all just a fairytale dream
The kind where you were everything I needed
And I was somehow what you wanted

I can't let it go because you were the first.
The one I hurt most,
Not even a goodbye or a I wish you well
Line ending and so much left to say

Do you imagine it?
If I never met him and it was just us?
Would you have been strong enough?
Would I put my doubt aside and decide
To stay instead of just going?

I hope you found that peace,
I dream they give it to you
And all of your days,
I hope you remember me
And maybe wonder if I'm doing okay

Graceless heart,
You have met your mark
Alone in this dark,
A flame with one lonely spark

You've met your maker,
A beastly undertaker
All left for the breaker,
Everything perceived as a faker

You're dancing again,
They love your hair and the
Way your legs end
And there is no bye to bend

A fool and blind,
Wasted what has left me behind
Just a colossal joke
And now we've choked
On summer camp smoke

He gave me back
What I knew wasn't his
And I was a child
I was stupid

How does it feel now?
Does it feel bittersweet?
To finally have me see?
And does it fluff your feathers,
Smile on your face
That you are better
That you are whole now?

I'll spend my life with regret
Of never paying too much mind
To the things you'd say

And a promise was kept
That it wasn't the end
But the end for you
Is my only beginning
And I promise to you
That I see no end
I will settle but to never
Replace the things
I could have had

And I never knew
I could feel this pain
It's a difference from
Losing what you shifted
Your life for

This pain took over that
This pain took over everything
This pain is my newfound home
And your soul dashed through
The back window years ago

This is the winner

Who am I?
I am the abandoned building
along the vacant street
I am the whirlwind in a storm
of regret and intoxication
I am the calm of a hushed whisper,
The goose bumps and raised hair
I am a nurturing stigma,
The thing good enough to
Never really be enough
I am the bite of a plump lip,
The shared dreams on leather seats
I am the crying in the dead of night
because you want it to be over but
you just *know when it's gone,
you will have nothing left
I am the drug of choice,
The brown liquid to wash it down
The shake of hands you blame on nerves
I am the elephant in the room,
Do you remember me?
Take a minute from rubbing the salt in,
Do you see me? Do you hear me?
Family, blood..it's never been enough.
I strive to matter to someone that isn't obligated to care
I dream of bus rides and religion
While mourn the boy I made feel wasn't enough
But he was the one to say it back.
Third time's the charm,
And if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be
Take a minute from his busy life,
Does he remember the way I cared?
He doesn't want the best for me
No one could conceive the possibility
To ever believe that
If it wasn't meant to be,
Just know,
I will always love you

This is the story of an old man
He likes to light up city's
And disappear without a will to understand
Because he's oh, so witty

It may not seem like much
But it used to cause a fever touch
And just short of love
Maybe it would have been enough

But here's the story of how
He likes to light this up
And makes fun of a fat cow
(But I'm jumping ahead)
This is the story of us:

Once upon a time in a village it seems, there was cheer and laughter with a promise of 'next year'. It was quite dark out, hard to see. There was a peasant sitting on a bench made from tree, and the knight in shinning arm was pleasantly knelled before her feet.

In the moonlight he gripped her face, a soft thumb wiped a graceful tear off a less than perfect cheek. They blocked out the distant noise with the sound of their heartbeats.

With a quiver just above a whisper the girl said,

"I'm never gonna see you again, am I?"

The hand grabbed tighter onto her face as the knights booming and sturdy voice said,

"This is not the end!"

Try with all her might, she couldn't phantom this being right. He made her brave and carefree, made her feel a numbing pulse and shaking knees. But we all have doubts, especially the ones that believe they are never good enough.

"You don't know just how stunning you are tonight," is what the boy said.

Maybe it was beautiful or maybe it was a different verb. The peasant girl, being useless in every way, tends to not remember every word that they would say. But at least she forgives eventually.

The boy hugged her and whispered,

"I wish I could kiss you right now."

She knew she heard correctly but wanted to make sure. So she tore apart the hug and asked him to repeat what he said.

"I wish I could hug you," is what he said he had said.

"No, it's not. You said you wanted to kiss me," she defiantly stated.

He looked back up at her and said,

"That is what I said."


And that truly shocked this poor girl because never had anyone said that directly to her that she wanted to kiss back.

"You don't want to kiss me," she wanted to play difficult.

"I do want to kiss you," he said in a hurry.

She decided to be brave again. Life is too short, she reasoned.

"So why don't you?" She asked him. But her heart was going against the portrait of strength on her face.

"I don't want to mess things up," he sighed, defeated.

She was truly lost here. What could he possibly mess up? Did they not want each other?

"What are you going to mess up if you kissed me?" She pondered.

"I just want to make sure it's right. I promise I'll kiss you one day."

And so he decided that he was done with conversation and she wasn't very rhythmic. So he left her there on that bench.

He left her there in every single way.

Over the years, she had made plenty of mistakes. And she figures he has kissed plenty to this day. Anyone can find her traveling that short distance to the same spot.

He found better, the thing that's most definitely right. Now she writes in the early hours of morning. She gets angry at herself and at him, sometimes the world and how he truly knows how to show you life isn't fair.

But she goes and although she no longer is a peasant and he is a different knight in shinning armor, she lets her soul and imagination run free. Goes back in time, finds the strength to kiss him instead.

The lucky ones that have fallen in love will understand.

Love isn't fate,
it's chance.
So when you have that chance
dont waste a minute taking a
second glance.
Love is laying
in a twin size bed,
pouring sweat.
His smells like vanilla,
mine smells like death.
Love is standing
in front of a mirror,
shaving together
and admiring
the way his round face
is shaped.
Love is laughing
at the silly faces
that only he can make.
Love is swinging
beside him and momentarily
forgetting the mistakes
we both made.
Love is how
he knew something
was wrong just by
a simple sigh.
Love is the
soft kiss he'd
give while between
my thighs.
Love is when
he'd f**k me
so hard i'd fall
off the bed.
Love is being
comfortable with him
and his curly head.
Love is sunshine
that would illuminate
our intertwined hands.
Love is listening
when he tells me to go slower.
(I'll remember this even
when i'm much older.)
Love is still
waking up and reaching over
only to find an empty space,
even all these years later.
Love is knowing
the difference between
a poem and
just
remembering.

Fragments fade into
oblivion grey.
Time heals all wounds,
that's what they say.
Why does it trickle by
in the darkest shades of gloom?
From first love to the last,
everything is cherished from the past.

Circle tap tap

The best thing my time never had

The past is where it's at

And I would love to go back,

Feel that electric lightning zap

But I'll save a space for his timeless laugh

Tap circle tap

I acted like a total brat

But he loved that I was fat

Gave my stomach many pats

I wish I never wasted his time

Tap tap circle

What I did was quite brutal

And my apologies would be futile

I wished he'd better himself

And now I see it wasn't too late for him

Just in time*

Tap tap tap circle

This world is ****** up

But I'll learn to be enough

Maybe if I had two holes in each ear

I would learn how to correctly hear

The st-st-stutter

And the way I was never good at being

The queen of Chevron

Innocence was lost when I couldn't breathe

In the hues of red hills

And I can't hide the way I can't deal

With never mending burnt bridges and heal

With the mistakes I breathe life into

The bigger picture isn't on any wall,

I spend my time looking back and stall

You can't change what you destroyed

So pick better people to surround yourself with

And the voices fill my head with filth

Just love myself and find that

Tap tap tap circle circle

I lick my
finger tips
to get boys attention.
Or maybe
I'm just getting
a pesky hair out of
my smoke field mouth.
Why go so fast?
Living fast
and
dying young.
It's okay.
I don't care about
what you've heard
or what you'll try
to do.
Would you rather hear
about what this mouth has done
and maybe
where these hands have gone,
dear?
I can tell you stories
about what these eyes
have seen
and I could recite all
the pretty words these
ears have believed.
But those aren't
the ones you want to hear.
And unfortunately,
those aren't the ones
my mouth will ever bare
to snakes like you,
who think they have
already won.

I was supposed to get him a two liter
And his favorite candy cake
But all I can do is cry in rough filters
And seem to hallucinate
He didn't want me to smoke
But he condescendingly rolls fat ones to ****
And I was self conscious about my weight
But he told me to stop and planned our special date
I was childish and said no
But now I have to look back and never know
And when you learn your lessons a day too late,
That's when tomorrow never came with fate

In a land forever more,
It's you that I adore.
Don't run away,
I've memorized your name.
Take my hand,
We can dance and sway.
In this rebirth,
We can lay.
Enjoy our time,
Endless summer days.
Come forth and shine,
Always yours, forever mine.

How do you know the pain is real?

He trampled over my life and had to be reminded to make sure I was alright.

He walked all over me and I, all over him.

And one day I decided I was much better. A black hole, let him roam life degrading different souls.

I came to realize this was not true pain.

When I found your face, there was a pin prickle wave from my feet to my brain. I swear I almost threw up from flashbacks hitting my conscious like an 18-wheeler.

And a hollow cry that broght tears I thought I thought were dry when I realized I can never have those promises kept.

A hollowness that reopened old cracks that pushed further until they reached the core of matter.

You were the only good thing in my life and I have changed my mind one ******* million times but I took full blame for the way you will never want to see me stay true to my promises ending in the intended way.

True pain is realizing that it was supposed to always be you.

True pain is thinking I no longer have a heart because it was broken, but then realizing from the very start my heart was in your hand. Finding you again gave me my real heart back, not the one I handmade after we said bye that day.

True pain is breaking my heart that you gave back because I realized I ******* everything up.

True pain is him coming back to do everything he could possibly do, but it would never be enough because it's not you. I know you're long gone, but I hope someday you will find the truth in my words.

True pain is clearing everything, clearing everyone out and filling myself with nothing but you. When it's too late.

set up,
pairs of three.
watcha
gonna do
when the
world stops
revolving
around you?
I'm still
into you-r
band, but
that's 'cause
you're a good
pre
form
er.
who am
I?
I already
know.
But since
you think
you do
too,
watcha still
gonna do?
my guess
is only
as good
as yours.
but don't
sweat it,
if that
doctor carrer
doesn't work
out, try
pho
togra
phy.

I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you

It wasn't a willow tree,

                     It wasn't pine,

      Definitely not a place to hide a form of dime

             Defended your high honor,

               Talked endlessly for days

         Where embrace took breath away

     Promises to always stay

               But things don't go as plan,

            And I'm no longer your most admired fan

       Under that big tree no longer stands

            The wood curved to host,

    Mocking tree with wood,

           A cruel joke

      Under tree, I'm a fish out of water,

           Breathing becomes harder

    I shake from the cold,

Even though sun shines in pure gold?

          Dirt sticks to crimson stained skin

      Bare like the tableless tree,

   Heart mourns to the akin

Of the disjointed promises to be free

             And the never knowing

     Taste of thee