It was cold and you disagreed
That it was too small of a body
To create a cool breeze
And you asked if I wanted to go warm up,
I said no,
My reason in my mind was because we couldn't
Talk like this with them around
And I was scared to death I'd never hear your voice again
I remember that feeling
I remember that thought
And we sat facing the water under the stars
And it got heavy fast, everything is heavy now
And you got up, you stood in fronf of me
And it was dark but the street light
Helped me see your face and maybe you just didn't want me to feel sad anymore
So you held my face and complemented me
And you probably didn't realize how nice that was
Or the way no one had ever done that to me
And you would sigh and look down and be so determined
And you have no idea how bad I wish you would have been nice like that again

I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that

You've been to hell before
Danced and made love to the devil
He messed with your heart
But you let him in
And he messed with your head
But you took what he handed you
And you thought life couldn't get worse
But you never knew it could be like this
And this isn't the devil
He may think he's bad but
He is good and he is light and
Now you're staying up late
You lay there and reach out above you
And you're numb while your fingers
Crinkle and uncrinkle and they're stiff,
Like they've been frozen in time for a decade
You're just now learning to use them again
While your eyes cross and roll back
And you mumble incoherently about the things
You wish you should have said to him
Before it was too late
And you can't look yourself in the mirror
You can look disgustedly at yourself but
You can't make eye contact with the reflection
Of your fading blue eyes
So you search how to throw up without it
Being so dangerous for you because
You'll be ****** to go through the pain
Without him noticing the final result
And you're digging up the past,
You buy more foundation and mate gloss
And you wonder what color he would like
But he probably doesn't like any of this but you
Just don't know what he likes and
You probably never did fully know everything right
And you'd grow your hair out but you're
Too fat and it's too hot for it
But when you master that toothbrush technique finally
You'll let it grow out and you'll buy new, pretty clothes
And maybe he'll find something worthwhile in you then
And if he doesn't
You can wipe the makeup off
Chop your hair off and put different clothes on,
Baggier clothes
And if he still doesn't see potential
Then I guess you're just out of luck because
You've had someone inside of you
Someone that fit into places but you've never
Had anyone inside of you everywhere like this
And it's amazing and it tastes bitter and it's exhilarating and
It's something you want to mourn and something you want to hold forever
But if it's not enough,
If it never will be enough,
All the things you have to offer and the
Things you both once planned,
If he doesn't find it good enough
You can always live in this glass case,
Like a trophy, a prized possession
Because you've went through life feeling like there was something missing,
Something that belonged but you forgot what it was and now
You remember it and you will always cherish it
And hold it tight like your life depends on it
Because it does,
Your life depends on this.

Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down

All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough

I have a lot of things left to write,
A lot of things for lost time
And everything is vivid now
I can almost smell the way it was

And you walked barefooted
But I was too cautious
Cause when I was younger there
My father let me place my bare feet
Atop his shoes to walk across the gravel
I wish I could hold these moments until they came back to life
By the warmth of being reminded put back in my heart

Are they not cautious like I was?
Do they follow you wherever you go?

I wish I could be the one
To take your hands and let you balance on my feet
Whenever times are hard,
I wish I could be carefree like them, like you
But I became dependent when he would raise my hands
And do silly dances as I laughed until we got to the car
And I wasn't scared to place my feet on the ground

This is what it was like,
I was standing on your feet until you carried me to
Who I used to be and now my feet are on this ground
And the unknown that I became dependent on
Is no where to be found

I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone

If you took every page and searched on the web you'd find every single one with different names and slight changes. I was a stupid child and predominantly crazy. No longer a child, I'm ****** psychotic. I could blame a part of it on you and a lot on him, but I chose this lifestyle. And when I find peace for the things I did I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. I lied about so much and the majority was to seem more interesting to the person you pretended to be. I lied about actions that never happened nor involved me. I have cheated and you know what? It actually does ****** **** to do it. Everything ***** and my life is hell but knowing you will never be there hurts more than anything. But now that I will never forget the person I should have been, the person I could have been. I will wear these flowers in my stupid hair and pretend you're flying far above me, Hooting in the night to show you still care. And everyone hates me, that's great. I literally have never hated myself as much as I do now.

Can you see me?
Can you feel it?
Like waves crashing onto a shore,
Wind bending trees.
I am the feeling someone yearns for.
Is it you?
Is it myself?
I long to be longed for the kind that doesn't want me.
I am not beautiful like your last or
Like the ones on screen.
But I love beautiful like them,
Maybe even more so.
I want to run my fingers through your long hair,
I want to taste sunrises with you
Whoever you are.
Who are you,
*blue l

To show life is truly not fair
You made sure I existed
For something that is no longer there
Did it taste this bitter
When I said the same thing?
When I loved him and forgot you?
And when it finally got better
How sweeter did it taste than
Anything to do with us too

Oh



I told you not to stand beside them

And you told me of another,

The one before

And hey,

No one compares to the first,

Right?

And it's good if you're

Finally able to give it all,

You know?

Finally able to be free


'Cause he works at camps


And he's happy and been


Together for years and ****,


How about some compassion?


He was my first.

This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

I get the sense of how upset
I was to not get to watch fireworks that year
And then when I met you,
I was glad I didn't get to
Because you set fireworks in me
That exploded on their own many years later,
With no one to see the full potential of the colors
I wonder when you stopped
Wishing I was around to see firworks with you
And started wishing it was someone else
I wonder when I'll stop remembering
Things because of everyday actions,
And if I do stop,
Will it be this constant hollow void
Instead of the momentary void
When I am reminded of something
That is then replaced by nostalgia
Because that summer was
******* brilliant
I don't know how to be that brilliant anymore
I've loved since then and had some great summers too
Even if it's gone,
You have to admit it was extraordinary and life changing
And I'll never understand how
I could let myself no longer be your favorite summer

He told you he'd find a way
To give it back to you
And you could finish the maze
But doubt in this is fuzzy peaches
And I've ate one too many
It doesn't just physically show,
Like the jokes he has told,
But it mentally is known
Doubt is ugly in ruining everything
But it's beautiful in the way you remember
All these things
And I wonder if it was a bitter slap in the face
When he finally found a way to give it back,
Did it hurt as much as it does when
I'm waking up and begging thin air
To silence my fear the way you did at the end of gravel road?
Im running through my past now,
Delicately piecing these broken pieces back together
But only in the confines of my mind
Because I could never finish your story
Stories endings change all the time
And you're voice isn't in the wind,
Telling me it's beside the street lamp,
Like you'd be waiting patiently for me there
But I'm dangling my legs over the hollywood sign
I look down and it's a far way to the ground
But the impact would hurt less if I told your shoulder goodbye one last time
And not just looking at it but by smothering my face against it,
Leaving damp trails there that I would
Hope never dries before I hit this dirt and
Become one with this ungrateful earth that I will rejoice in the memory of what could have been if I was not feeble and courageous in the way you once formed me

Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.

I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.

You know you're gorgeous
And you flaunt it
You come from 'round here
And you make a joke
Out of me

You're gorgeous and
I regret it even me
Because I could never get that now

I looked for the same kind
Green and 7 ruled subject
But with my consistent luck
There was none to find

So I bought the closest to it
I don't know if the pages will fit

I've tore out four pages so far
And I keep losing focus
In the way that I always do
But it's not lost on other things
Just the things I wonder if you
Would have liked to do
If you'd like this
Or if you'd like that
But then I remember I'm fat
And you never liked me anyway
I just can't fit it in a perfect poem like you

And I wonder if you'll get the notion
To search this place in 10 years again
Will you still see how everything I write
Will still have a part of you in it?

And do find an inkling of respect
Tell me how great life is
Leave the foot shaped mud tracks real deep,
Tell me how the I Do went,
Kids and everything
Make sure it hurts

But I'll sit here,
Write about the things I remember
Somehow tell him it's obviously about him
If there ever is another him

What if


              this red thread


       is tied to the dead carcass


of what you used to be?

you can
decieve me,
plant fear in me,
string me along,
run my name
through the mud.
you can break spirts,
break the threshold
between eyes and cheeks,
break my hope and
all that I hold,
but you will never
break me.
if you're such a man
of god,
come back and find out
that you are just
one in the same,
with your little head games.
you can laugh at me,
you can splash mud on me,
you can embarrass me,
but that will never
put you above me
or bellow.

My knuckles are numb,
Dirt under my nails.
I scrub it off until my skin was red.

"And then we can meet again while searching for it."

"So you're supposed to know exactly when I'm searching for it?"

"...that does sound unrealistic."

"Another one of your great ideas."

I didn't find it.

Under the florescent bathroom lights, I realize you're everywhere still. And despite what you or anyone else thinks, my body is not big enough to not have you coursing through every inch of it.

You're in the air and you're in every thought I have now.

And I had a hard time believing all the plans you had, maybe if I had put more faith into it..I wouldn't have forgot. I wouldn't have been able to meet him and..I wouldn't have lied to you so much..

Which is why you'll never believe me when I say I will spend the rest of my life sorry for everything I did to you.

There's

always

a

way

to

love

yourself,

you

know.

It's no surprise
I ruin everything in my life

But I remember that discussion
Of tattoos and such

And I know that tattoo

Lights fade off and on,
You owe me absolutely nothing

But from my last go around,
It's clear to see I'm on the right track

I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry
You were the first person I intentionally hurt,
A start of an era I will never be proud of

You were my first regret,
My first clusterfuck of a mistake

I'm sorry

I'd come get my things,

Help ease your mind of my existence

But I don't have enough sunrises

To make it back to that foreign land again

And broken plastic,

      E l a s t i c hearts,

They may just be things to some

The kind of some's that have no business

        Touching those things

Makes my very own wolf want to

   Claw my way to revenge

But I have sunsets that tame that in me,

My greatest sunset that tried it's best

             To exist for me with only

Friendship in return

But selfish was my downfall,

Selfless now,

            I exist to prove it was not

Wasted time and wasted secrets,

    It was not wasted laughs and hidden meaning

This sunset brings me out of the dark

     In a way I cannot explain except

          This owl is all the light I need,

   I no longer grind my teeth and

I try to do better for the home

          That had found a new home

While I was on my way back

Look at you,

Adding onto your mosaic wall of art

I will eventually too

But mine's just more permanent

And never hidden in the dark

Hey
Maybe you're just
Another level in the scheme of things
Or maybe you're different

But don't think you
Don't matter, ever
Because there are real people
That genuinely feel indifferent
Like me

And they can be petty
And they can be mean
But everyone gets what they deserve

So let them feel that way
Be classy and hold your head up
Life is a **** show and
Those people

They are the turds of
All your wildest dreams

Another tally under
Everything I Do Wrong
If numbers are truly limitless
I can keep this up
My body is even reacting the same way
As last time
And I want to laugh and cry
But mainly I just want to die
I want to die so bad that
I can taste it behind the alcohol
I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to laugh and joke around
I don't want to feel the ache in my body
I want everything to be still,
I want to feel peace
I am drowning by no one but myself
Will there ever be a light?
Will there ever be another way,
Another person to come along and just...
Care?
Care without having to already,
Care and see that I am ******* rotted out,
Dying and barely holding on?
Will they tell me I deserve so much better?
Will they show me Im finally not alone?
Im so ready to drive straight through a curve,
To not hear the car coming
Im ready for something else
Something that isn't here

Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.

I'm sitting in this almost sunset sun
And I'm wondering if yours are this beautiful too
Or if they're more beautiful than mine
I hope they never hurt you like mine do now
Do you feel free with every one of them?
More free than the last one
And I'm wondering if I'll live another one now
Without wondering how they would have
Tasted in my grinning mouth
And on my sun bleached hair and perfectly
Normal and good enough skin if I was the one dancing
In them with you
And I want to get drunk,
So drunk that I stumble down all these streets and alleyways
Until I make it back to your memory
And lay in the frosted grass beside you
While we watch the puffs of our breaths mesh together
In this perpetually never ending winter air
And I'd close my eyes while your unchanging hand
Caresses my still young face and I would breathe your form in
And open my eyes to watch you disappear
Then run, run as fast as my tired feet could take me
Back to where everything really started and
I wouldn't have cared this time if you got mad
Because I wanted you to feel it, to taste it on my lips
To know that it was me and this was special and it really was meant to be
And you wouldn't vanish from my hands that are around your face and the anger
Would be gone and your eyes would flutter open along with mine and I'd smile
In the exact same way you used to make me smile
So I could vanish with you this time and
We would live these days with no walls and I wouldn't let myself
Go and look like this and think like this
And we would grow old and tired but I would love you just the same
And maybe I wouldn't be something to be ashamed of and you wouldn't misuse words and promises because I hurt you and we wouldn't wake up one day when it's too late
Because when you disappear into the sun, no matter where you ever go and who you go with,
I swear I will disappear with you

You


      are


not


      half


of


     what


you


      thought


you


       were


And


        I


will


        never


be


        half


of


        what


I


         wished


to


          be

And

I'm

the

broken

eggshell

Shhh

Hush now

It's a secret

Stop now

He doesn't care

I tried to find it today,
Thought I tucked it away
To be found by someone in a land to help light their way
But I dug and I tore,
My mind was racing until sore
And I just couldn't do it anymore
Now I want to go back to my old ways,
Find something to take me back to those old days
Where laughter never dies
And you stay forever on my mind
I couldn't find it today but
I'm telling myself it's okay
I'm getting on an aeroplane,
Helping me find my way
Where you will always stay
And these memories don't fade

Heart of blue florescence
The memory like moths,
Attracts the reminder
Unforeseen the pain
In the way I now sob your name
But there's no one meeting under here
Silence creeps in like the night
Confusion bites like mosquitoes,
Realization is the thump
In the surrounding woods, unseen
The dark consumes fast

Blue fluorescent,



           Bugs circled in the buzzing hue



   Feel this presence crawling under skin



         Like the bugs did while talking to you



Wooden barrel water fountain



          Met there every night



Because you were busy



       And the hurt I felt because



You couldn't spend every second win me



            Doesn't hurt as bad as this

There's a person

                That tells me I'm sweet,

   That I am a good person,

        They never say anything about me,

      And that I should never listen

To what others say

                 I'd cry and ask her why

     I feel this way

And tell how it hurts that

     I don't know what to do

        But I was told by another to be

Prepared for the worst,

             He was never mine,

     And don't let it bring me down

But if I go any further

  


             I think I'd hit some

      Of these people's





                                 levels






And I wonder how he could change

            Or maybe he hasn't



Will time ever tell?



              Stay tuned

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too