You


      are


not


      half


of


     what


you


      thought


you


       were


And


        I


will


        never


be


        half


of


        what


I


         wished


to


          be

There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
**** him.

Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down

Another tally under
Everything I Do Wrong
If numbers are truly limitless
I can keep this up
My body is even reacting the same way
As last time
And I want to laugh and cry
But mainly I just want to die
I want to die so bad that
I can taste it behind the alcohol
I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to laugh and joke around
I don't want to feel the ache in my body
I want everything to be still,
I want to feel peace
I am drowning by no one but myself
Will there ever be a light?
Will there ever be another way,
Another person to come along and just...
Care?
Care without having to already,
Care and see that I am ******* rotted out,
Dying and barely holding on?
Will they tell me I deserve so much better?
Will they show me Im finally not alone?
Im so ready to drive straight through a curve,
To not hear the car coming
Im ready for something else
Something that isn't here

I can feel my bones better
And I know what you're thinking, Tommy,

Why would I try to stay relevant?
The question is
When did I ever become basic

Because it's a hard life to live
Wanting someone to come out
Of the woodwork to show me they care

When it's easier to pop open
Cold ones to point a gun finger
To my head and say,
"Here I am"

And I am broken,
Like cool ranch chips under your feet
I am dying to be gone

I want to matter to someone

Be fine china in their arms,
Delicate and a daydream
To be a wonderland for their mind
And a restlessness in their heart

But I'll keep counting cans
While throwing up,
It was never easy destroying everything
Because I wasn't good enough

Count the spaces in between,
It's simple as one, two, three
I hate everything about me
And it's clear to see

But
Here
I
Am

Shallow,

                

                      Hollow breaths


           Blued and grayed skin



    Stretches over expanding rib cage



        Padded microscopic indented tips

        

                 Move over spherical bone

  

          Over and over again


               Maybe now she's enough


      Years of being alone,


               Nothing made sense


    Chapped and cracked lips


Break into a smile



              Liquid moisturizes scarce places,


             No longer dry


        He'd prefer her like this,


Something to be proud of




                          She takes a breath,




    Another one,




                   Haggard and labored



      She is frozen

I have a lot of things left to write,
A lot of things for lost time
And everything is vivid now
I can almost smell the way it was

And you walked barefooted
But I was too cautious
Cause when I was younger there
My father let me place my bare feet
Atop his shoes to walk across the gravel
I wish I could hold these moments until they came back to life
By the warmth of being reminded put back in my heart

Are they not cautious like I was?
Do they follow you wherever you go?

I wish I could be the one
To take your hands and let you balance on my feet
Whenever times are hard,
I wish I could be carefree like them, like you
But I became dependent when he would raise my hands
And do silly dances as I laughed until we got to the car
And I wasn't scared to place my feet on the ground

This is what it was like,
I was standing on your feet until you carried me to
Who I used to be and now my feet are on this ground
And the unknown that I became dependent on
Is no where to be found

Im consumed with this thought

This yearning of someone who cares

And in the end

If it isn't with blood

It doesn't exist

I wasn't good enough for my past

And now I just float,

Hoping to fimd a light of my own

Not a light to show me everything wonderful

That replaced me and everything

I could never be

Just a comforting light that is warm and says

This world would be so worthless without you

I will sit with you
In the way we used to
I'll do what you used to do,
Wipe my own tears
And erase my fears
I'll breathe in this winter
Exhale innocent wonder
Of an endless summer
And feel death come closer
It's far gone from you,
I'm the only one that suffers
This lonely afternoon

I'd come get my things,

Help ease your mind of my existence

But I don't have enough sunrises

To make it back to that foreign land again

And broken plastic,

      E l a s t i c hearts,

They may just be things to some

The kind of some's that have no business

        Touching those things

Makes my very own wolf want to

   Claw my way to revenge

But I have sunsets that tame that in me,

My greatest sunset that tried it's best

             To exist for me with only

Friendship in return

But selfish was my downfall,

Selfless now,

            I exist to prove it was not

Wasted time and wasted secrets,

    It was not wasted laughs and hidden meaning

This sunset brings me out of the dark

     In a way I cannot explain except

          This owl is all the light I need,

   I no longer grind my teeth and

I try to do better for the home

          That had found a new home

While I was on my way back

You dug them up,
Did as you said
You tried so hard
It was always like that
From the very start

And maybe you meant,
To find the way to be
The one a lost soul
Could have believed

And was it bittersweet
To have it all remembered
And everything felt again
It helped me find solid ground for my feet

But this mind is
Still at war and
It remembers the
Way you created this

All the beauty,
The courage, the strength
We could never repay you
And these words will
Never be enough too

You breathed them out
And we took them in,
There's no room for this
You're past the end

We'll cherish these things,
Close to our heart is where
They will stay no matter
What time may bring

If you rest easy,
I'm eternally glad for you
If you struggle to understand
I will always have a willing hand

And you have big plans
That I hope was planted
When I was the one free
And was able to take a stand

I hope you reach those dreams,
Every single one of them

And if we meet again without even trying
I'll still feel this and I'll ask you
And if you say you don't have time
I know I will simply say,

"I really wish you did,
But I understand, sometimes life
Isn't everything you make of it
I hope you're happy in all that you do,
I will always cheer for you"

I'll walk away,
A smile on my face
Leave it to you to be so clever,
I'm the only one to know this forever,

I
hope
they
partake
in
the
floral
crown
trend
and
I
hope
it
eats
you
alive

I
hope
I
made the
short time
worthwhile

Even though
I
became
everything
that
You
despise

If you took every page and searched on the web you'd find every single one with different names and slight changes. I was a stupid child and predominantly crazy. No longer a child, I'm ****** psychotic. I could blame a part of it on you and a lot on him, but I chose this lifestyle. And when I find peace for the things I did I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. I lied about so much and the majority was to seem more interesting to the person you pretended to be. I lied about actions that never happened nor involved me. I have cheated and you know what? It actually does ****** **** to do it. Everything ***** and my life is hell but knowing you will never be there hurts more than anything. But now that I will never forget the person I should have been, the person I could have been. I will wear these flowers in my stupid hair and pretend you're flying far above me, Hooting in the night to show you still care. And everyone hates me, that's great. I literally have never hated myself as much as I do now.

I sat in the far back,
You were in the front
With all your friends,
Goofing off and taking pictures,
Being loud and annoying
But I really just wanted a picture with you,
I scuffed right after that thought
Because look at you
I think you tried to make me laugh
Or tried annoying me
So I faked like I was ignoring you
But you made me laugh
With your dunb stupid ways
And your cheeks were extra red,
More than their seemingly consistent
Rosy pinkish red
But I can close my eyes now
And remember how the green
Fiber tickeled my palm as I
Slowly but gently scooted my hand
Close to you and I was worried to death
Because I didn't know what you'd do
And I remember the green cushion turning
Into the metal that connected the two,
It was cool against my hot flesh
Because you made my heart race
And I was worried because I liked you
And I looked down and I was close,
So freaking close that I couldn't stand it
And you were there and you treated me
Like I was something important and like I wasn't unwanted
And you looked at me
You looked at me and you never laughed because of anything
Like the other people did
And you was making those silly faces and I was trying so hard not to laugh
And you flopped your hand down and lifted your shoulders
And I was feeling reckless,
Reckless but like I was about to die
And pinky touched pinky,
Skin meshed into skin
And I pulled back and I swear
Out of all the thibgs my hand had ever felt before that moment,
It was a spark that lit up every part
And you kept your hand there and we shyly giggled and smiled
And from that moment you gave me courage to be brave with you
And I wish, I swear I would give anything to have those moments again
To have you put that back in me
But something else causes sparks
To erupt and light up every part of you
And that spark isn't me

I am alone in this cold place
I am slightly drunk and
I am alone
I could easily go out,
Find a married guy and spend 15 minutes with him
In the back of his car
I could drink some more and feel braver,
Stare a hole into the guy I find appealing,
Make it uncomfortable for anyone
I could cry but I've done enough of that
I could continue to snap myself in half
Between the sweet person I am that occasionally makes not-so-great decisions
Or the two faced horrible person you presume I am
I could walk back into that store,
Snowflakes melting in my white hair
But does it matter?
No matter how much I wish and pray and try,
Sometimes you just aren't enough
Would you let me down gently?
Would you call the cops?
Laugh and tell all your friends?
Another mark on my belt,
But not ******.
Just the laughing stock of the town.
Would you give me a chance?
See me?
Past these layers of rumors and truth's,
Past my body and ****** up mind
Who are you?
Would you care?
Would you go past hearing my name or
Would you just turn around after hearing it?


Do you know how alone that feels?

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.

I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you

In the corner,


                                     Out of view



           Don't let me see



                      What you choose






       That's far better than me




           And everything I can never




                        Pretend to be

It's starts around the same time
Before I do just fine
Then reality sets in
And that's when the pain begins

No one would believe me
If I told them how you taught me to see
And it was a pact that we made
Even though life got in the way
There's no truth that you'd believe
But I'm legitimately scared you'll never see
The way I'll cry when I get over this hill
When I let go of stupid pills
And forgive the past to feel

It was something that I forgot
But a feeling I never lost
So when I finally learn to let go
I'm afraid you'll never be there,
Even just as a ghost
It's a memory I long for the most,
It's something you no longer chose

Blue fluorescent,



           Bugs circled in the buzzing hue



   Feel this presence crawling under skin



         Like the bugs did while talking to you



Wooden barrel water fountain



          Met there every night



Because you were busy



       And the hurt I felt because



You couldn't spend every second win me



            Doesn't hurt as bad as this

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

It's no surprise
I ruin everything in my life

But I remember that discussion
Of tattoos and such

And I know that tattoo

Lights fade off and on,
You owe me absolutely nothing

But from my last go around,
It's clear to see I'm on the right track

I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry
You were the first person I intentionally hurt,
A start of an era I will never be proud of

You were my first regret,
My first clusterfuck of a mistake

I'm sorry

It's just a coincidence my father
Pointed out styrofoam,
And I have no one to trust
It's just a coincidence my father
Loses track of keys in the way
I find everything because I'm observant
It's not a coincidence that I
Wonder of people that give absolutely
Not one ounce of care for me
All these noises in my streets,
I overshadowed the possibility
The only thing I should ever fear
Is myself

I wonder if I did
The right thing with you
Would you be here today?

Would you get bored,
Find something better and
Eventually walk away?

That's the mindset of someone
Who was told they weren't good enough
At a young age

I'd search the world
To find out who you really were,
Creat delusions of you caring
But not about how I look
Or what I'm remembered for

Just caring about me

And maybe you would have
If I never met him,
It's been a whirlwind for so long
At least your guessing game
Is as consistent as me
Ruining everything

I
managed
to
cough
and
sigh
ten
times
without
even
realizing,
gue­ss
that's
a
part
of
why
you
aren't
here

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too

His words could be

        

    

               Like honey,



Thick and sweet,



                       Fills up too fast and



  Constructs the air in your throat




Or it could be milk,



                Smooth and stills



And calms the burning of doubt

Hand tattoos

I remember it now

Hands and

I could show you what these hands do

Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.

He doesn't like preps

So you better watch where you step

If you don't have that type of skin

That isn't paper thin

And I'd roll up and say,

"Yo, *****"

But I'd prefer her any day

Oh



I told you not to stand beside them

And you told me of another,

The one before

And hey,

No one compares to the first,

Right?

And it's good if you're

Finally able to give it all,

You know?

Finally able to be free


'Cause he works at camps


And he's happy and been


Together for years and ****,


How about some compassion?


He was my first.

It was cold and you disagreed
That it was too small of a body
To create a cool breeze
And you asked if I wanted to go warm up,
I said no,
My reason in my mind was because we couldn't
Talk like this with them around
And I was scared to death I'd never hear your voice again
I remember that feeling
I remember that thought
And we sat facing the water under the stars
And it got heavy fast, everything is heavy now
And you got up, you stood in fronf of me
And it was dark but the street light
Helped me see your face and maybe you just didn't want me to feel sad anymore
So you held my face and complemented me
And you probably didn't realize how nice that was
Or the way no one had ever done that to me
And you would sigh and look down and be so determined
And you have no idea how bad I wish you would have been nice like that again

It's dwindled and
It has completely burned out
Over the years and summer days
But you made me brave
And all the things
I was too scared and powerless to do
I did all of them
Whenever it came to being around you
And all I can do now
Is find myself writing about you
Nothing is able to make it up to you,
The props from long ago
Will be gone when you're done
You took the memories,
Refreshed my burdened mind
You left them behind
And now they're all mine
And I'm doing this because I need to
I could never fix it for you
But I'm making it right with me
To find ultimate inner peace

There was a storm today

     I held my hand out to see

   How long I could stand the pain

                   I got to 46

      Realized three things today

                   Rain is cold

     46 would be an okay age to die

And storms is just another thing

              To remind me of how

     You'd brighten my day,

            Always put a smile on my face,

              Remembered what made me who I am

    And I can't remember

        If I had the courage to be so sentimental

         After you silenced my doubt

           Of it being found

        But I can still feel the ache

     In my awkward body,

        Wanting nothing more than

    To hug you while I cry

And tell your shoulder

         That I would miss you

   That ache is all I can feel now

       And my cries are silent

      "I'll miss you's"

  But this pain isn't being young and scared

          That everything wouldn't work out

      Because you'd find a pretty girl
  
       To marry by that fall and forget

      The little, fat lost puppy that followed you around

            It's the kind of pain you get

   From wishing to do things

       With a passed loved one,

    The could haves,

            The should haves,

                   The would haves...

  


But it will always be too late.

Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door

All of these possibilities
And none of it matters
As if what I wrote in a book
Would ever pertain to what
You feel for a cheating liar

Who's the mystery guy?

Like it really ******* matters
I'm alone and honestly,
I know he doesn't care because

Hence

I have no one but my family
And that will never be enough

He told you he'd find a way
To give it back to you
And you could finish the maze
But doubt in this is fuzzy peaches
And I've ate one too many
It doesn't just physically show,
Like the jokes he has told,
But it mentally is known
Doubt is ugly in ruining everything
But it's beautiful in the way you remember
All these things
And I wonder if it was a bitter slap in the face
When he finally found a way to give it back,
Did it hurt as much as it does when
I'm waking up and begging thin air
To silence my fear the way you did at the end of gravel road?
Im running through my past now,
Delicately piecing these broken pieces back together
But only in the confines of my mind
Because I could never finish your story
Stories endings change all the time
And you're voice isn't in the wind,
Telling me it's beside the street lamp,
Like you'd be waiting patiently for me there
But I'm dangling my legs over the hollywood sign
I look down and it's a far way to the ground
But the impact would hurt less if I told your shoulder goodbye one last time
And not just looking at it but by smothering my face against it,
Leaving damp trails there that I would
Hope never dries before I hit this dirt and
Become one with this ungrateful earth that I will rejoice in the memory of what could have been if I was not feeble and courageous in the way you once formed me

I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone

You're off having fun


And I'm watching you enjoy


Every new sun and it feels like


I maybe never even existed to you

I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that

Shhh

Hush now

It's a secret

Stop now

He doesn't care