Too bad I didn’t sooner realise that the most important person in my life is
and has always been
me

As I wipe away my tears on this here November night
I make a promise to myself
A promise that this time I swear I’ll keep
That this time will be the last
The last and final time I'll ever fall into the trap of
you

Panic! only happens at the disco
Or so they thought when they named themselves
But the real panic happens here
In my mind
Whenever I think back
Or ahead
Or just at all
I guess I think too much
About what it was
What it could’ve been
Shoulda, woulda, coulda
That’ll ******* right up
Obsessing over mistakes
Wondering how to make them right
Over the ‘what ifs’
Trying to turn back time
When we can’t
All we can do is enjoy this
This moment
For what it now is
For how it now feels
For that's where the real magic happens

Is it odd that I still think of U?
Though it doesn’t hurt the same
The feels remain
Right there
In my chest
And I’m back, again
To that night in December  
Where we danced, deep in a trance
Dimmed lights, candles lit, music up to an even - cos odds made U uneasy
Oh how nothing could ever feel
as bliss
as this
So I thought anyway
But it does
Such a familiar feeling when I hear the intro, my favourite song on the radio
That was once yours
I remember how it felt, that first time, hearing it with U
Taking in how it now feels, alone
Without U
Still bliss, just different
That’s ok too
That U still linger
In the guitar chords of our favourite song
Or in the after taste of that mango salsa I now have for lunch
So no it’s not odd
Not odd to still think of U
Just different.

Oh to feel
What a dangerous
Just as beautiful
Experience
Do we feel too much or too little?
Do we let it chip
Chip
Chi
Ch
C
Chip away
At our insides
Until we feel no more?
Or do we embrace
Let it take oVER
Our bodies
Mask in that warmth
Oh how sweet
Bliss even
It is
To feel
Though sometimes we ought t’ learn when
When it’s time
To feel no more
For some feelings
Need put to rest.

My sugar
Sweeter than a cherry pie
My lover
You make my whole world shine so bright
I love it, your hands pressed on me
Like a movie
Real life fantasy

Not sure how you do it
But you do
All
The
Time
So special
Make sure to tell you that
From
Time
To
Time

Used to be friends
And now we’re lovers
Can’t decide
Which beats the other…

Confused
Cos what if I lose you?
But how could I choose you?
If I can’t be sure…

I love you
That's for sure
But that ain’t enough
Cos things get tough
And I bottle up
My feelings
Helpless
Defeated
Can’t seem to find no meaning
It’s eating
Me
Up

You moved house without warning
No alarm bells to warn me of what was to come, except for those in my head that continue to convince me that I’m losing it
You stripped everything off the walls on your way out
My confidence
Self worth and
Your love
But you didn’t just stop there  
You made sure to replace it with the ugliest shade of red
A shade so horrifying it keeps me awake almost every night thinking of the reasons I wasn’t good enough to make you stay
The furniture is so ugly in here now, it reminds me of how I felt the very first time you chose her
Instead of me
Not forgetting the other countless times I was made to feel so unworthy at your feet
Now for the record…
I know I’m no renovator
Maybe just a lousy painter at best  
But if someone had trusted me with the keys to their heart the same way I did you
I would’ve made **** sure to do a much better job with them
Than you did
I guess it’s for the best though
You’ve cost me too much here so maybe you moving out was the right decision
I just hope for everyone else’s sake, you take much better care of your next home
Than you did ours

I’m sorry I didn’t love you as much as I should have
Instead made you feel less than
Sorry for not wiping your tears when you needed
Giving you the love you needed
Love that you went searching for which lead you to the wrong hands
I’m so sorry
I wish I knew how back then
Truth is I’m still figuring that part out
…
Thank you for not giving up on us
Thank you for being as strong as you were
Thank you for giving me a second chance
A chance to make it right
A chance to shower the new you with all the love and more I couldn’t give back then
- You make me so proud.

I love you, M. X

For there is beauty in the healing
Beauty in the nights I cry myself to sleep to then wake up feeling like I can take on the world
Beauty in the mistakes that no longer hold my mind hostage because I’m slowly learning to forgive myself

For there truly is beauty in it all and each day I see that a little more
Then on the extra good days, I even realise there is beauty left within me
That I in fact, am beautiful
For my beauty never went away, even after you did.

You tell me I’m beautiful
Strong
And
Wise
Yet still I don’t see it
I look to you for validation
Guess you could say
You’re my captivation

Seems like getting over you
Is as hard as it was getting through to you
Each day I hope to forget
The scars you’ve left me with
The insecurities I now battle at your absence
The hurt I feel when I think of you
As it consumes my mind
My heart and my body
And all that I’m left with are the reminders
Of why I should’ve never given it a try

For the new year I hope for peace
Serenity
A little more faith in, me
A new found joy for the things I once had
A new found love, that similar to a small child playing in the sand
Happiness
To smile a lot more
Even on the days when it may seem a little forced
I hope for strength
Courage to keep my head up high
I hope for peace
But most importantly a new found love, for me

Heavy heart
Falling apart
Things seem to be getting kind of dark
At a loss of answers
In need of an escape
Something
Someone
Somewhere
That takes me right back to
Who I am

I miss your touch
Your love
The simpler things like getting to have a hug
The way you’d rub my stomach if I had a bug
Your tender heart
That you were ever so smart
The way you’d make me smile
And how we’d walk for miles
I miss
Staying up until the morning
Talking with you, that never got boring
I miss your laugh
Your kindness
Your presence
But most of all
I miss
You
x

Some days I wish you’d come back
Just for a little
I wish we could rewind
Back in time
When things were good
Nothing misunderstood
You were mine
And I was yours

Simple

This game my mind plays, is not a fun one
For I don’t enjoy being woken by pain
An aching feeling, like I’ve nothing to gain
Too much strain, on my heart
Enough to make me feel that life is falling apart
So many missing parts to a puzzle I can’t even begin to start
I wish you’d leave me alone
Let me live my life
Without dropping demons, that aren’t even mine to fight

The sweetest person to everyone
Always making sure they’re okay
There when they need me
Yet when the tables are turned
It’s like they don’t even see me

Can you help me?
I’m looking for an answer
A sign
Some direction
Something that gives me a little perception
On what to do next
Of where to go
Who to take with me
I’m lost
Confused
These days I often feel used
Time is so consumed
I just need some direction
A sign
An answer
Please, can you help me?

Here I am
Wednesday afternoon
Stuck inside
Thinking about you
Nowhere to go
Nowhere to hide
Expect for that tiny, dark place
Inside my mind

Place your hands over my body
Let your touch get me high
Man this feels just like heaven
The best time of my life

You can look
But you can’t touch
Not
Just
Yet
First let’s take it slow
Go with the flow
Maybe then we can
Transcend
Into a new dimension
Somewhere just for us
Somewhere magical
Where the sun never stops shining
That way you’ll never stop smiling
We could fall in love
Only then can you touch
Get to know me
Some more
I’ll show you how
I
Like
It
I think we can be happy here
It’ll be safe
This can be our
New
Favourite
Place

Craving you
Silly me for even dating you
You had me captured
Lured in by simple distractions
I lost
Myself
Searching for some love in you
Little did I know, all the love I could ever want and need
Was already deep within me

Birds chirping in the morning
As I sit here, I try to find my calling
This life, I adore it
Something sort of warming
About trying to find a new you
Somebody who can pull you though
All the hard times that pass by
I’m just really trying to shape my life

What is the real meaning of being ‘sane’?
I know this may sound a little lame
Maybe even somewhat strange
I can assure you though
I don’t mean to be so vague
I’m just curious
You could say a little bit furious
To think I have not experienced it
Sanity
What it really is
To be
Sane
I’d like to know if it means peace
To be a little bit more at ease  
Just wait
Maybe even some space
Time where you get to take a break
From all the stresses
Things that often seem depressing
A time to finally get to know yourself
At your own pace
Not stuck in third place
Not stuck at all
I mean
This is no race
Life is not a chase
For something more  
We can’t keep battling
To escape
Our minds
Our thoughts
But most of all
Ourselves
When we’re already spectacular
Despite all the factors
Some of life’s minor disasters
That make it so hard to believe  
Maybe we were already free
Before the battles of life came by to make us mean
Now we’re not so keen
So please
If you know
Help me out
I’d love to know
What it really means
To be
Sane
In today’s
Day and age

Too much time wasted
On you
On us
Too much time wasted thinking I
Wasn’t
Good
Enough

I love you
That’s for sure
But that ain’t enough
When things get tough
And I bottle up
My feelings
I’m helpless
Defeated
Can’t seem to find no meaning
It’s eating me up

6am.
Ain’t nothing changed
All the bad thoughts, they still remain the same
Try to ease a little of the pain
But still, as hard as I try nothing seems to keep me sane
And my Mother, she told me darling don’t you ever cry
But little does she know, that’s all I seem to do these nights
Up ‘till dawn, my thoughts and I
Trying to find something, anything that’ll give me hope to turn this tide

You got me daydreaming, about seeing your face
You got me daydreaming, about your warm, soft embrace
You got me daydreaming, if only you knew
You got me daydreaming and it’s all because of you...

You say you love me but the harsh gritting tone in your voice says otherwise
The way you make it so that I am apologetic for the things you have done, the things you have said to me that make it hard for me to sleep at night
You keep me up overthinking and overanalysing
Though I wish it was you who kept me up in other ways
You who’d keep me up by speaking so much your cheeks would hurt, and mine too, from smiling so hard
That's one thing you always had the ability to do, make me smile
I wish you kept me up by whispering your sweet nothings into my ears and by putting your hands where all hands shouldn't be, where all hands could not be
No hands but yours
-
If I'm completely honest, there's no hands other than yours that I would want to touch me, caress me and feel the cracks beneath my skin, other than yours
You see that was it, I only left myself open to you
Open to all possibilities of you one day maybe loving me
Loving me like I did you,
Who was I kidding?
Maybe it was you who didn't deserve to love me
Not me who didn't deserved to be loved
How could it be any other way?
How could it have been that I put my heart on the line, time and time again, for you
That I opened up my mind, to you, even allowed you to touch me, get to know parts of my body that I myself didn't even know,
for you to just act like I was nothing
To act like it meant nothing
Like we were nothing...
How could that have been so?
You see, I used to think that maybe it was I, I who wasn't deserving, maybe I gave you too much, too soon
Maybe I didn't consider you enough, consider whether you were even ready to be loved in such a way
To be loved in such a way which made you feel like you'd reached home, every single time
Maybe it was me who did that
Made you so resentful, angry and bitter;
Resentful of my love
Angry that you could not have given me the same, bitter that I beat you to it?
No, that can't have been it
Love doesn't do that to a person, so it takes me back...
Back to you, back to you just not loving me, back to me just not being lovable, lovable for you at least
Maybe it's a good thing, a good thing that you didn't love me, maybe if I had felt your love I would have been too deep in
Deeper than I am now, and I can't possibly imagine
Sinking
Any
Deeper.