and with my last breath
I will tell you that this morning felt like
the darkest night.
Like I was no longer flesh...
only blood, bone
and ache.

I will that tell you that the sunlight felt like an army charging though drawn blinds,
reminding me of every thing
that I am not.
reminding me I have to
try again...
exist...
again

I will tell you the water tasted like metal
...like blood.
That dust covered my tongue.
I stared at my burnt fingertips
wondering if I’d ever write again.
I had fallen in love with a wildfire, in search of warmth  
now my notebooks are filled
with charcoal.

all I’m saying is that some days it feels like the emptiness between us has seen
the beginning and end of the world.
revolutions and extinctions.
our births and our wedding days.

but this morning it feels like it was last night.
like you are still close enough to touch.
like love still lives in our bones.

i have rehearsed for days like these.
my heart has reinforced its fault lines
the tears have made maps of emergency exits
and my spine has shifted to carry this weight...

but even now, 64 days on, a single memory of the
us
that was
we
sends tremors through my veins.

i still don’t know
what to do
with my hands.