you called me lovely and kissed her goodnight
i fell fast and i fell hard
he's like touching a flame and burning myself every time
but somehow i never learn
it breaks my heart that you give everything i gave you to her

so take that, Cupid
i stitched the wound
your stupid arrow left in me
with my own hands
yes, they are shaking
but they did the job

okay, so i was the other woman.

okay, so i can’t call it that. so we were never a thing, never a label, never announced. so she was the pretty one and i was the *******. so i was never your first choice but i was, for a minute, your second.

okay, so maybe it started as cheap entertainment on the nights beer and phone calls weren’t enough and distance got the best of you. maybe i loved you then but i think i hate you now.

okay, so maybe i don’t hate you. maybe i’m just trying to pretend we never happened because maybe if it was all in my head i’d be over it by now. maybe i’m just tired, okay? of being the back-up girl. of being the one who stays, who breaks, who sits in the basement of a burning house just to feel the carpet one more time.
i just don’t want to burn anymore.

love laugh in our faces
when we say we know what we are doing
as if we aren't children but with longer limbs
and longer list of things we didn't get to achieve

May, we meet again
with the cold air starts to creep in
and familiar feelings tried to settle in
i told him
"don't make me fall if you don't plan on catching me,
i may not survive the fall this time"
i get scared and this time it's contagious
something in me is breathless, a little lost, a little more alive than i was before
May,
may we meet again

so you didn't hit the gas
so there's no runaway story here
so we didn’t call ourselves Bonnie and Clyde
i never cut my hair, yours never turned blue
in this city, i don’t even recall your name,
and i’m better for it.

the angel got a knife and i've got skin to spare
so we find a way to god's attention and he doesn't see
i don't understand:
who couldn't notice so much blood?
who could watch this mess and still say nothing?

and that’s how it always goes.
he shatters not only your heart but also your soul and mind
and abandons you in the most awful way,
and you’re the one who goes crawling back to him
with what’s left of your broken body,
but his door is locked.

that’s how it always goes; you send him three messages in a row
and they remain unanswered,
as if you were the heartless ***** who did something terrible
when in reality he should be the one filling your inbox
with apologies and saturating your answerphone
with desperate pleas.

that’s how it always goes; he’s the one who mistreated you
and he won’t say a word to you again as if he was the victim,
and you, who should be happy he’s gone
and cursing him with all you’ve got,
gently stroke the bruises he left on your soul,
and you ask for more, and you beg him to take you back.
but that’s how it always goes; now  you know what stockholm syndrome is all about.

and i could never understand
why i loved you more,
or why i loved you at all,
because you left bruises on my heart
and bruises on my skin and i forgot
the taste of your lips because i was
drowning in my tears
and love is supposed to be drowning in a
good way, not drowning in a
“oh my god there’s so much
blood” kind of way.

and i have yet to understand why
you loved her more
or why you loved her at all
because saying her name burned your throat
worse than alcohol did and she left you
with a smile on her face and
her knife in your chest but you
still crawled after her.

   -*but maybe it’s human nature to want what makes our insides turn

I start to regret everything that happened in March. I don’t want them anymore. You can keep all the memories, if it were even worth remembering for you—but do me a favor and please please please don’t get them mixed up with your other girls’.

This is all the goodbye I should’ve meant. The jealously are worth nothing. Go ahead and love her and watch me watch you unflinching. Let’s just highlight the whole pages and marked them nonsense. I had to admit I still try to find us sometimes in the ripped papers. [noted that it is ripped. noted that I shoved it down the fire now]

I won’t let you ruin my favorite song. I won’t let you ruin this safe heaven. This is where I learn to put myself above the idea of you / of letting you go / of wishing you would just ******* come back. This where I stop romanticizing pain. This is where I stop scrubbing my skin with glass to dug you up. This to say: I let you hurt me—that shouldn’t have happened. I start to be honest to myself: you don’t love me. you left. that isn’t really the end of the world.

i feel like a train station and what i mean is, i am something liminal. what i mean is, everyone is always leaving. it is always getting dark and everything is always too loud. there is ruin where ruin shouldn't be. there is stench of bad decisions in the dirt. what i mean is, i am always halfway to a beautiful place. i have only seen heaven from the postcards
   -*my heaven would be a love without betrayal

i still got your love bite but not your love
   -*ten words poetry

i do not enjoy having a collection of sticky notes
covered in conversation topics
because you never held up your end
it is true that one person always loves more
but the other side needs to give something
you knew this would happen when i have to go for my own self respect
i should have known when you stopped sending good morning texts
or when your texts didn't come at all until late at night

maybe i should've turned my phone off or leave you on read
when you told me about the first girl, or the second, or the third
but i always thought you were worth it
you always listened, you respected my boundaries
it's probably easy when you have six other girls who will give you what  i protect
you killed me over and over again
and you know it

maybe i need to stop making sense out of everything
like you saying i'm the only one in your heart
while you kiss every other girls that catch your eyes ever made any sense,
like me taking you back after all the knife you stabbed on my back ever made any sense,
like anything related to us ever made any sense,
like we ever made any sense

you say "i love you"
but i can hear your lies through the cracks in your voice
lights always find it's way through things that are broken
but this doesn't make me feel warm
it makes me feel cold
like a breeze is blowing through a hole in my chest
where my heart supposed to be
i see how your eyes wander
and how you won't meet my gaze anymore
i see how you don't love me
i'm not sure how to put us back together
when we're in this many pieces
but in complete honesty
i don't think i want to

when you said "i love you" was it a lie or a wish?

i slowly lose you
like the love we used to have

i slowly lose you
like the sanity i used to have

i slowly lose you
i had you by a thread

i slowly lose you
you've always had me by my neck

this will always be a sin
and you've never been good with confessions
every word i said is a punchline because
you're always laughing in the face of forgiveness
all i ever did was trying to fall in love
in a way that doesn't leave my fist through the wall

look,
if your dream girl is her
then sorry to bother you, sorry to stay for so long.
sorry i was the one door that wouldn't shut
sorry  i was the one street that didn't end,
sorry i ******* loved you enough to take whatever ******* you pulled,
sorry for the time you said "i only feel better when i'm with you",
sorry for telling you it was okay,
sorry for believing you were something gold not something dead inside.
sorry for the names i've called you and the times i've called you.

sorry for the poems i used to write about you when i felt desperate,
sorry for the times i opened up to you when you were screaming at me to stop,
sorry for thinking you could save me,
sorry for thinking i could save you.

so look,
if your dream girl is her
don't wake up from it.
i won't be here when you do.

so in love, you're so in love with him
you think he must be some kind of saint,
and angel sent from heaven who tucks you in at night

you think "this is fairy tale love",
this is "there will be ballads written after us" love,
this is "there's fire in the attic and flood in the basement but i don't care because i'm with you" love

and i guess that's the problem
this is unconditional in the way
that he doesn't even need to love you back
in the same way

but you still love him, anyway,
this is still fairy tale love,
it's just the kind that ends with sleeping beauty sleeping forever
because eventually the prince does sneak out the window
eventually he stops coming back
eventually he stops trying

   -*watch out for warning signs before you run out of road

are you more barbed wire or picket fence?
because lately i've been feeling like you're a wall and
you used to be a door so don't mind the knocking
but i swear i've been allowed in before
and it's just a little confusing when you won't look me in the eyes or sit anywhere near me and
i understand this is like chugging a cup of broken nails
but i just want to know how your day was

i had a dream you were kissing her in front of me
and i woke up like "thank God that was a dream"
but we both know it is and it isn't
because you did that
and just because i'm not looking
doesn't mean it's not real

i know you loved me
the same way you tried not to cry
singing your saddest song
and i wish i can say i see the regret in your eyes
when you said you're sorry

breathe, baby
breathe,
the world is not ending
and neither are we
no matter how much
it feels like it is

i forgive you
and i'll forgive you again every morning
and again in the night before i close my eyes
and every seconds in between
but God, does it take all my guts and tears
to shake the remnants of your betrayal

your arms are still my home
despite how many girls
you have invited in

this is the part of the story
where i think of
all the erased words and all
of the things i haven't said
and the fairest thing i can think to do
is to always let you know
where my heart is

   -*you, you, you

he said he never stopped loving me
but she was better at making you happy
and i was better at pretending
i didn't want to chug down
bottles of liquor
every time i look through your phone

whatever we have done, love
i think we should
do it all over again
until we can't tell
which is the sin
which is the absolution

i am broken in all the ways you cannnot love
   -*ten words poem

and i pray to God
that my marriage
doesn't poison my children one day
like my mother's and father's
did to me
   -*i fear it will

heart pumping
sinful daydreams
you are the danger i'm getting into
to dive in
head first

i'm sorry i turned you into monster in my writings
    -*ten words poem

do you believe him again
when he crawls through your phone
tries to convince you so bad
that he needs you

do you believe him again
open up your heart
scoop out the pain
carve him deep into you

and when you believe him again
how much are you lying to yourself
when you know what he'll do
but you do believe him
because he means everything to you

stop asking how i'm doing
because every time
i hear your name
i still got that same sting in my chest
like when you decided to leave
   -*and i know you know i will always be better when i had you by my
    side

if they ask you about me,
tell them
"she was the only one
who loved me with honesty
and i broke her"

i guess it's much more easier
for me to let you go
if i was being selfish
i'd tell you the truth
all of them
the night feelings,
the secret poetry,
the late night imagination,
the silence prayers

but i realize how selfish it would be
and the destruction it would make
so let me just continue what i do best
to love you in silence,
in everything i see,
in everything i hear,
in everything i touch,
in everything i feel
   -*secretly

we've always been about
grey zones and blurred lines.
warm sunshine one day,
raging storm the next

don't blame me for believing in your lies
you've always seem so convincing
you could say you're a god
and i would believe you in that instance

but lying is your religion
and your lie is what you preach
with your ego as your holy book
but ******* it, i'd swallow poison if it tasted like you

   -*should've been, could've been, never was, ... someday?

if you ever wonder
if it hurts to have to let you go
just remember that
i had to cut off my fingers
to **** the part of me
that was still holding on to you

I love cool colours and warm feelings.
What he gave me was
the exact opposite; he was cold most of the time
and he took me places under the sunshine
just a little bit too much.
I rarely hold his hands
but at least they’re warm.
What I didn’t know was
his hands are warm from holding
many other girls' hands
just a little bit too tight.

He was always full of uncertainty.
I was never sure what is coming next,
like it could be winning a lottery
or a car crash
and there was no in between
when it comes to him.