i am made of stardust
i’ll fly to the cosmos
have a slow dance with my dearest
my one and only love
and hold them tightly
i deserved a love that cherishes me
like i have cherished countless others
a love that never touched with malice
i deserved a love that doesn’t hurt
i look to the stars and see my reflection
my one and only
my dearest and hardest love to manage
it’s the year of appreciation
a millennia of self love
i deserve this
i am worthy of this
i always deserved a love that doesn’t hurt

i said no before but you kept asking
i was scared of you
tall and stronger
unpredictable and manic
i said no but you wouldn’t leave
pinned down by blankets and body weight
i thought this was normal
we were friends beforehand
i said no but i said yes in the end
do you do this with other people?
are they scared of you too?
i can’t leave my bed
i can’t feel my body
the sight of myself revolts me
i said no but you thought it was fine
i’m scared to tell our friends
you have two different personas
i know they would believe you
one half lives on anger and hatred
but the other half wishes the best
i hope you find a comfortable place to grow
i hope you feel comfortable in hell

staring at the wall for hours
a gentle check up or empty small talk
we share pictures and stories together
the tears come down eventually
we held each other without a sound
the room is full of memories
a wrinkled hand holding mine
speaking our native tongue
cold hands but a warm heart
stories from ages ago
from a land i never knew
how i wish to hug you longer
but no amount of time is long enough
so i regret the days i left you alone

it’s more than just an episode
it’s the constant passing thoughts
it’s the feeling of nonchalantly walking
never looking at red or green lights

it’s another “did you take your lamictal?”
then enduring the feeling
they won’t come in waves
it’ll come in tsunamis

it’s crying on a saturday night
every inpatient has negative reviews
“will you visit me?”
“i’m so scared”
hold my hand in the ambulance

it’s screaming at the top of your lungs
you’re still under observation
not just by white coats
but the ones who left generational trauma
“can we let them go?”
“i’m sure they’ll be fine”

it’s being amazed at making it this far
living with fear of the future
unsure of my own
watching you prosper and grow
my heart full of love and admiration
wishes to grow old together
yet i know won’t make it to 26

yet although i feel so much hate
and i carry all this angry and despair
i’ll still have my love for the world
and those who love me too
i can make room for it

erase your manic thoughts
leave the ones that keep you guessing
15 unread messages
count how many objectify you
stare at the same photos
watch them change over the hours
are you there?
have you fallen back into old habits?
you still rely on physical touch
expecting a hand to hold yours is the cure

read your thoughts again
1am manic thoughts
delete the panicked desperation
25 unread messages
count how many you’ll ignore
stare at the same wall
watch it while tears fall
are you still there?
has anything changed?
you expect company to fulfill your needs
when you’re terrified of the unknown

pull an all nighter
all the thoughts are complied
we don’t know
delete the messages
don’t bother to read anymore
stare at the sky
bring the tar back in your lungs
are you always going to be there?
are you put together?
find your own peace
make your own company
proceed in your manic decisions
wait until you can love yourself
maybe someone will love you the same

there’s a desire inside me
craving warmth but only frost on the bones
hold me again
i hate the lonely feeling
i don’t want to feel ice in my heart
i want to feel a presence next to mine
insomniac eyes and blue fingers
empty plates on the desk
i can’t leave my bed
i can’t feel my body
i miss you
i miss the way i’m supposed to be
to feel alive again is the holiest honor
to leave my bed is all i needed
but i’ll sit in silence for another few years
until hospital beds consume me whole
i’ll let them hold me again
just like you used to

i want to live every moment with you
to hear your voice is a holy honor
your smile could grow flowers
your heart could break barriers
the ones i’ve built from past anger
but i’ve never known comfort until you held me
body to body your soul gripped mine
i would give up caring for me and my mind
if i could only care for yours
only agony ruins through veins
only the thoughts linger here
black hair, enfold me
let me bite one last time
i hate the bitter taste
but life is wine when you’re around
i want to live every moment with you
your smile could grow flowers
an angel speaks to me in your body
it tells me “i love you” one last time

it came back with a vengeance
bed unmade, bare mattress alive
a pile of cups on the desk
half empty, staring at the ground
swim through filth that bite ankles
clothes becoming an island
bottles upon bottles on the nightstand
a pill, or two, maybe four
they float along the dirt
there’s no motivation, no energy
the mattress will hold me hostage
it won’t relent to choke me with springs
it has been my longest friend after all
my one and lonely
it came back with a vengeance
it let my heart rate slow down
and i only hope it’ll let it stop

“though you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, i simply am not there”
i think fondly of the quote
something that made me think i'm inhuman
i have never really been there
you were never really here
how fitting
it’s another year of unwanted sadness
within every year of aging
i feel hollow on the inside
don’t perceive me
don’t acknowledge me
all i am is empty
i don’t want to grow old
i’m stuck with a fear of myself
i won’t die on my own terms
i won’t hold eternal beauty
what is a birthday?
what is even worth celebrating?

there is no direction in front of me
holistic practices aren’t useful
neither is your classic dose of lamictal
it isn’t the change of weather
or the gust of autumn causing it
it’s the torment of knowing who i am
two decades of trials and tribulations
to find a new way to cope
i’ve grown past razors and alcohol
we’ve moved into noticeable harm
broken teeth, ripped skin, no more nails to bite
we’ve landed on addiction in my lungs
nothing will feel better
to simply put it: i’m sad
i don’t know why and it isn’t going to change
you can unpack your trauma
and hang it up like old clothes from vacation
it doesn’t change that it is still here
i’ll stare at it from the bed that suffocates me

i would like to fall in love someday
to feel that warm embrace when i enter the door
to call someone my home, my sanctuary
i would like to fall in love someday
and cherish memories lasting in my heart
growing old and holding hands in the grave

but i've slowed down to remember my youth
how much i have to do, so little that i achieved
neglecting to nurse myself back to health for years
i have finally grown used to the quietness
i have finally grown used to sleeping alone
i can't bring myself to fall in love today
i can't bring myself to even have a crush
but i'm okay with waiting for now

draw blood when you bite their arm
leave a permanent mark on their body
claim it as your own for the rest of your life
tear off their limbs to keep with you
have their arms around you
a gentle hold on a violent body
a crying fit while sitting in blood
you'll do anything to be held and be loved again
you'll cry and stay violent to yourself
to keep someone latched to you permanently
to bite their arm and leave a scar on them
nothing is good enough. no one will stay.
so you tear off their limbs to keep with you
you hope that it can keep you satisfied

i refuse to hold the agony of waiting in my heart
rip it out of me, please
separate me from my body
i beg you
i don't believe this shell i reside in can hold much longer
it is trapped with endless ramblings in my brain
my legs forced to keep moving
a beating heart full of wrong choices
a knife to the chest, aware that i'm existing
i have not given consent to bring this body into this world
and no one ever gave me a choice
i beg you
rip out my heart. rip out my lungs too.
i refuse to wait anymore
i want a change that i can see
separate me from this person i don't want to be

there is a sense of incompletion
a sense of the most lackluster life
where i have lived with no thoughts and no motivation
i spend my days living with obsession
begging for ambition and yearning for admiration
but nothing has been completed
i'll spend my life wishing the universe had plans for me
i'll live with no thoughts, no motivation
i'll die with so much to be done
i'll die begging for satisfaction

There is a form of missing you that I have not achieved yet
I have reached the stage of mediocrity
Or perhaps a feeling of indifference
I still fear old locations that once meant something
Nothing scares me more than the future
Nothing scares me more than knowing I'm not supposed to be here
But intimidation is only a cheap tactic I've used against me
How many more poems do I write about healing or moving on
Before I actually do something for it?
It's time I start moving on
It's time I feel something for once
Rather than just gaze lazily into a void of nothing
So that I become nothing