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brandy Jun 10
TW ED/SH
i try with all my effort
to ignore the thought of insecurity
for the physical vessel i've been given
to experience this life through
because to me that's all my body is
but when i self harm through starvation
i can't help but long for the body i once had
25lbs before depression seeped
into every corner of my life
i feel empty
in too many ways
a person should never be
please try to go and grab something to eat<3
you deserve it always
and you're worth the world:)
brandy Jun 10
i would trust you
to touch me anywhere
but as i say this
my physical body
is the last thing i have in mind
for i wouldn't mind
but there are so many other
pleasureful parts to me
that i'd let your finger tips graze
even more sensual  
than what just my skin
and my soft words in your ear
could do to stimulate you
emotionally
that's is,
if you're comfortable  
to feel everything
that i hold close to my heart
and if you ever even wanted them
from me
in the first place
  Jun 10 brandy
Eli
i stand in front of the mirror
the glittering blade adjacent to my veins
"i deserve to bleed"
the edge falls deeper
sending me into the darkness
filling me with the warmth and comfort or overwhelming pain
"i deserved this"
my breathing shallows
my body stiffens
im gone.
forever
never to be heard again
brandy Jun 10
i remember this one conversation
with such clarity it alarms me
in the dead of night
with a longing for ecstasy
seeping through his tone he asked me,
"could..you imagine....what..life...would be like...if we weren't..mentally ill?"
and with that question
my hanging heart
sunk even lower into its pit
due to jealousy and frustration
for my cursed blessing
and i was confused on how
for i had believed my heart already laid
at what i'd thought to be
rock bottom
well besides that,
he did provoke me
to question
is there is a chance
for my heart to find
its rightful place
in my body
yet again?
and maybe along with it
all of my chemical receptors,
and my neurological network of pathways
could all find their own
harmonious balance and natural sources
of dopamine, serotonin, and epinephrine
and have them work "flaw"lessly  
just, way they were originally created to
when the goddess of mental
crafted these things with such care
and gifted those beautifully painful things
to humankind
****
the unholy things i'd do to obtain
the goddess of neurotypicality's
scientific? spiritual? situational?
whatever the **** is in her elixir of secret
for mental peace and serenity
that few were blessed with unconditionally
to me it just sounds like magic
but back to him the only way i could reply
was with,
"i could only dream"
for i believe
in a lifetime of mine past
i may may have made a deal
with the devil of neurodiversity,
a fallen angel without malice,
who simply forgot
to grant me the knowledge  
of how i would be reborn
into a world
where its society
would be unfit for me and my kind of mind
and with that thought lingering i added,
"but yeah...it must be nice"
try. to start loving yourself unconditionally and in entirety my dear, it's the very least of what you deserve, when you inhabit a world that will rarely show love or understanding to your uniquely beautiful soul. your road will be long, you will trip many times, and you will gather as many scars mental, as you possess physical.
but if you keep sailing through your hardships, you will eventually find your own way to keep wind in your sails, at some point in time during your story. i will always be proud when i see you inch forward into the unknown, and i pray you stick around, through your many obstacles, for your many turning points ahead. as those turning points are always the best part to any story plot when you look back from the future. please try to remember that turning points only follow major and minor falls (however you see fit to call them) or when the weight built up from the many falls in your past, start to feel like they're all crushing you at once.
there is always rain before there is sunshine. i beg you to try to hold on trough the storms until the clouds shift and the wind calms so that you can dance in the sunlight again. i promise you, you will dance again.
i just can't tell you exactly when
   ~The Devil of Neurodiversity
brandy Jun 10
they say that when you grow close
to another person
you receive a piece of them
into your own heart
forever
no matter if they leave you
or if they stay until the day you die
i feel i've encountered
too many personalities
in my lifetime short yes
i just don't think i can handle
any more surgery
on my wounded soul
for now i can't tell
where my foundation stops
and where the patchwork begins
will i ever be able to view myself
without only seeing the parts that others have stitched into my soul?
brandy Jun 9
i am not icarus,
but your heart
beams brighter than the sun
and if i could construct wings made of wax
to reach the heat of your heart once more
i'd do it before that anxious little *****
could even strike a beat
if only you would just allow me
to melt all over again
in the rays of your sunlight
could we ever continue creating our own myths?
brandy Jun 9
i used to listen to you speak of icarus
your eyes would widen
with fascination and fire
as the myth reemerged in your memory
you spoke to me
with every syllable so delicately selected
and i would listen to you
awestruck by the way
you taught me your historic tales
you made time stop
while letting me experience
what felt like an eternity of bliss
in your sunlight
you crafted your word with your heart
and used your voice as it's vessel  
and i would sit there dumbfounded
so pleasantly paralyzed
by the pure passion
behind every single breath
that you spoke to me softly
each and every last one
of those nights we shared
your sunlight never failed to shine
no matter how dark
the settings of your stories were
but i remember
the feeling in my gut that day
the day i truly understood your passion
for that one tale
i'd still beg to hear you tell to me once more
it was the day you told me
i flew too close to the sun for your comfort
but when i soared through our sky
i melted so effortlessly into your sunset
but you believed my wings
were too close to your flames
so as i basked in the rays of your sunlight
you to pushed me away from them
so that i'd fall and crash
into the ocean right below me
your attempts to cool off
the burns that never were
you were petrified i'd be scolded but now
i've been swallowed by a sea of sorrow
and the lonely stars of the night sky
so frigidly cold
without your hearts heat
to keep me warm
i know you wanted to save me
from bearing the fate of icarus
but the only thing that's burning
is the hate that i hold now
for this rendition and how
i feel i'm farther from the sun
than the day i first dreamt to reach it
if our odyssey ends here,
know that this was not the tale of icarus reborn
but a young demise to the legend of eli and grey
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