and when its all over and all the knives are thrown
i pull them out and sew myself up again
i always wonder why i stand against the wall
and when theres no winner, i load up again and we play Russian roulette all over
i brush myself off again
i teach myself to breathe again
i do it all on my own
no one teaches me to cope
im here by myself
me against it all
when its all said and done no ones loved me more than me
no ones ever believed in me more than me
im the only one who sticks around

i thought when i got older i would stop being so sad
truthfully i just got better at hiding it
i got better at acting
i guess thats growth
i guess i did stop being so sad
is it real if no one knows?
i try to talk but most days i cant
the days i do the words flow like a waterfall and i talk too much
i thought being sober would help
but i miss my rose colored view
the real world is scary
getting old is too
all this talk about reality lately has me wondering what im gonna do when im all grown up
im almost 22 now and i got my innocence stolen when i was only a kid
did that stunt my growth? am i stuck like this?
i find peace in knowing that bad days dont last
but when they’re so many of them it kind cancels that out
im really optimistic most days but im still a pessimist at the wrong times
they say if you dont like something you should change it
but since i can remember i hated change
we moved alot as a kid and i still get anxious from the smell of new paint
i went to therapy for the first time today in almost a year and i guess it made me think
maybe my rose colored view is still here
theres so many things wrong and i dont see them
but other people do
i guess im just comfortable
and the bad things started to feel like home
i dont want to move yet
i get anxious from the smell of new pain

i take a piece from both of my parents
my mothers sensitivity, and longing of the feeling of love.
her hypochondria, and her attitude.
when i was younger i promised id be nothing like her, we always seemed to but heads but as i grow older i see so much of her in me.
i see my father’s manipulative ways in me,
the way i pick people apart until they scream.
i was cursed with his argumentative ways, and his strong opinions.
i watched my father tell my mother she was less of what she was my whole life, and shes wiped her own tears. kept her head high. fed the kids like she was told and washed the dishes when she was done.
they never slept in the same bed. never kissed. never hugged.
when they broke up, i was confused. i thought that was love?
he always made it so clear he never needed her, he rubbed it in her face, and she still stayed. for 9,125 days she stayed. she convinced herself it was love. she convinced herself she was doing the right thing by inhaling his insecurities but she knew it was wrong.
she left.
he broke,
he needed her she didnt need him.
he needed her to hold him together because he was the one who was really broken.
he was feeding off of her and he couldnt stand seeing her not need him.
they broke up 8 years ago and hes never let a woman even come close to taking her place.
watching that taught me to see whats in front of you.
now im proud to be like my mom.

when i first had picked you i was aware of the thorns,
i grabbed you.
full fist around you’re spine and the prickles went deeper then i thought.
i bled,
they left scars.
i shaved them away, but theres still traces of them.
where i had removed them, theres still a mark. a scar almost.
when i run my hand across them they’re still rough.
do you miss them? did you expect them to keep me away?
when i latched on, pulled you free i didnt flinch. i took the pain. the drops of blood from the wounds didnt scare me,
i felt empowered almost.,
i was strong enough to take the pain.
when its all over, ill replant you.
maybe the thorns will come back,
i just hope whoever’s interested next embraces the defiance.
loves you for your rough parts.
because even with the protection you use to shield the rest away you were always still beautiful to me.
the thorns wont keep me away.

if no one understands why should i talk?
i understand myself thats enough
he understands me too most of the time
atleast he doesnt talk back
i dont want help
anyone’s comments
anyone
it doesnt help
he understands and so do i
it hurts
only for a few days it will show
and than after its blurred no one will know
only him and i
we’re the only ones who need to know
we wont even speak on it either
i think about it alot
when i look at him
when he kisses me
when he tells me he loves me i think about it
but i wont tell him
i wont let it show
im not mad i promise
i forgave you remember?
we’ll be okay
we love eachother
i think
well i love him
if he does it again i wont forgive
i probably will
he just gets mad
i love him
he loves me
we understand

i have a big heart
its filled to the brim
its currently overflowing
im drowning
im under water
i cant swim
i guess i could just take the suffocating inhale it
if that makes any sense?
i have too much in me right now too much of everything but im just not sure what everything is
out of sight out of mind right?
so why wont you unlock eyes with me
i turn around and you face me towards you
yes i know im capable of walking away
but when i try my feet are still
tunnel vision
im overflowing
i cant swim

i never thought it would go this far
i always knew we’d always have our problems that was just us
i thought it’d always be like that
now im scared i didnt know i loved you this deeply my heart is crying for you my soul is screaming for you im thinking about you im asking about you im looking for you im calling you im texting you you you you
i cant escape you im not trying to  
you wont let go and neither will i
but im scared
please wait until i dont love you until move on
is that selfish?
im so sorry im so sorry
i could say it a million times and it wont even mean enough
they will never be you they never were you no ones better than you no one laughs like you no one touches like you no one kisses like you no one sounds like you no one makes me me like you i love you
i love you i love you i love you
why didn’t i know?
i did know but i didnt know
i want to scream i want to scream your name
im angry im sad im broken im lost
without YOU
i love YOU
i miss YOU
you’re still here but there’s boundaries now
i dont wanna call and ask where you are
now i wait for you to text back
i never did that before
im so scared you’ll move on
im so scared right now
i dont want to miss you forever
i dont want to love you forever if you’re not here with me
please i want to fight again
please i want you to yell at me
please i want you to hit me i dont care if you do anymore
as long as you stay please im so sorry
theres no other words that i can think of
im overflowing with regret and anxiety
im so empty but im overflowing
i want to escape i want to fall off the earth
can i meet you again?
i know you love me
i know you do i see it in your eyes you cant stay away from me
i love you too probably more than you love me
you wont stay away from me i feel so evil
this is MY fault
i want you so close right now and you feel the same way
i want you to look at me how you did the first day we met
i feel bad when i tell you i love you because it doesnt mean anything to you anymore
THEY WERNT YOU
i love you
what hurts the most when i think about it is i keep telling you how i feel and im sorry
how do you feel? are you okay?
i want to hold you and you wont let me
we haven’t kissed in days
i dont even want to make love i just want to hold you smell you breathe you in i miss you and you’re still here does that make sense?
im so guilty im so sorry
i know you’re not innocent either
but i dont care
because that was us
you made mistakes and i soaked them up
that was us
i was supposed to be perfect and clean up the mess
pick up when you call
clean up when you get hurt
it was my job and i loved it
now i hurt you and i dont know what to do
and you’re excepting it thats what hurts more
you arnt letting go
you’re pulling me close
i love you i want to scream
i love you i love you no one will ever understand us bo one ever did
you’re my best friend
everyone says your bad i dont see it
i love you so much no one sees you how i do
i dont care if they do they dont need to
it took me losing you to change
my phones ready now you can look at it
you can go on it now i promise
im such a hypocrite
you’ve been telling me you dont know me
that you never did
i promise you i gave you me 100%
i have issues ive been trying to fix
but for you ill do anything
ill jump through fire walk around the whole world 10x and do it once more over again
just to keep you here forever
my sanity
i know thats such a burden i wont tell you thats what you are
but ive never loved like this i didnt expect it to go this far
im not gonna lie im a little scared
i want to run and give up
but later on i know ill regret if i do
its me and you forever i know right now is a little hard
but keep holding on tight and ill hold on tighter
i love you forever and a day and a night and a afternoon
i love you with all my heart and my kidney my liver my lungs
through the simple and the struggle
i love you

good memories of you are what get me through my day
any memories of you
the smile on your face
the way you sing along to songs
the way you laugh
the way you drag jokes
even how you look when you’re mad
i promise i cant let you down i never will
picturing my days without you leaves me empty
i cant wash you out of my hair
you’re mine

are you going to miss me when im gone?
you’ve pushed me this far, i hope you’ve thought of it
im on the edge now im not thinking how i used to
im weighing out the pro’s and con’s now
am i gaining anything anymore?
everythings become so heavy
i hate to think of you like this
i hate to wish the worst but can you leave?
you know i won’t
you know i need you
ive been told about you
people like you
but i turned blind
when i look at you it’s complete tunnel vision theres nothing but you and i
i need you
the door isnt locked from the outside anymore
now i have full control
you wont leave
do you love me how i love you?
im watering you and i think you’re growing
but theres not enough water for me
you’re blocking the sun
i know if i move it will hit me
im still
im still here
i opened every piece of me to you i let you inside
you open the door for me
when i have one foot in you close it
where do i go from here?
i talk for hours
your eyes are blank
you arnt like me
i talk for hours
you tell me what i want to hear
maybe you’re just like me
maybe im not the right one
maybe i dont have the right key
you tell me i do
but why wont the door unlock
mine has been open i dont lock it anymore
but that gives anyone the right to just walk in
ill miss you when im gone
theres days where you fill me up until im overflowing
but the next day im gasping for air i cant take it anymore
where did you go
you were different yesterday
you were different today
you’ll be different tomorrow
ill miss you when im gone

i think now is a good time to say goodbye
i wish i could replay the start
relive the first day over and over
revisit the day that reminds me of why you’re mine
now i cant remember
you became so cold
that day we met in December will always be my favorite
you made me forget what hurts
i had to keep you around
now your causing my darkness to arise
you want me to suffer i feel it
you wont give me a answer
you became so cold
but my love is so pure it’s so real how could you ignore it?
its 100 proof and its customized just for you
it was built around you and only you
i got to know the real you
i think my ignorance was bliss
i see how cold you are now
i would’ve never imagined this version of you when we first met i wouldn’t have been able to make this up it my head
me and you
were summer and winter
my burning passion leaves 3rd degree burns
when your cold touch gives me frost bite
what happened to the man i thought i knew?
now you’re pushing me in a corner
now i’m trapped i don’t know what to do
will you tell me you love me so i don’t give up?
or will you leave me to create things in my head
you leave me with nothing to hold on to
just bitter sweet memories
most of them blue
i just wanted to be your girl
but now i think its a good time to say goodbye
but ill always remind you how i miss you

you know i love you
it feels like a different type of love
i love you like i love my dad
my brothers my friends
i love you forreal
but its like you dont understand
im on the back burner im boiling over
you wont even take a glance
but when i catch on fire
maybe you’ll pay attention more
give me a chance
i cant say it enough but i love you
i did wrong i wont dare to say how
i hope you dont know
tell me if you do
i love you like no other
i just cant be held down
i think i like the back burner
as long as im still on it i think ill be content
you got me boiling over but that’ll catch your attention
maybe i just need to be louder

sometimes love hurts when it comes to u
but im gonna keep lovin u
it hurts so bad thats how i know its real
they say love not supposed to hurt
but its the worst pain
some days i never wanna hear from u again
but i dont think i could live without u
now its been half a year
how come i cant breathe without u?
sometimes it hurts when it comes to u
but i dont wanna be without u
i hope i got ur loyalty
i dont really need the love
i just hope ur here when its down to ride
thats all i ask
i love u like i love my dad i love my brothers
i love u for real
i hope u here when its down to ride

when i had nothing i thought i needed you
i was lonely i just wanted to breathe with you
now that im okay i second guess you
convenience is confusing
im sorry i might have lied to you
now that im okay i dont think i need you
god has a funny way of healing me
i guess this time he used you
im sorry i might have lied to you
but i promise for a few minutes i did love you

i know ill be happy one day
im going to say it until it comes true
right now im soul searching
im so exhausted and sick of being empty
i gave everyone too much of me
and i will never get it back
so day by day im creating more of me
and i wont stop until i am full
until i am overflowing
no one can have anymore of me
i am no longer for sale
i am off the market for now
im going to love myself instead
to the fullest extent im going to love myself how no one else can
im going to pick myself up when im down
im going to believe in myself again
no one will ever make me feel less of what i am
i am amazing
i am smart
i am better then i think i am
and i will say all of that until i believe it
no one can take my soul again
no one will ever ****** my smile
no one can make me feel less of what i am
and whoever left will never earn my love again
i will see thought the fake love
i will see through the hallow words
i will let myself know that everything that glitters is NOT gold
and i will really smile again
a real smile where my cheeks hurt and my teeth show
and i will explain to myself that not everyone had my best interest at hand
and not everyone loves like how i can
but thats okay, i will give myself that love again.

‪after all the pain you caused i still long for you when my days are long
and my nights are longer
because i always slept better in your arms because your snores were like lullabys
and youre arms were like a swaddle
and im a new born baby once again
and youre holding me until i no longer want to cry
and even though our love was short
i have memories of your face that will last a life time
because even though youre gone
knowing that i once had you as mine brings my darkness to light
because if i want i can love you forever and still pray that you’ll think twice about saying goodbye‬
i wish we could meet again

ive started to keep almost everything to myself
they dont care so i dont tell anyone else
my thoughts they stay to me where they belong they dont make much sense sometimes
judgement isnt what i need
it doesnt make me strong
i go through alot in my own mind
things arnt so clear right
i wonder off alot of the time

id take it all back if i could
id fix it all
i dont know what i did but i want to take it back
you changed my world
you showed me it wasnt the end
in a different way everyone else did
tough love wasnt always my favorite
but you showed it in the best way
youre different
you’re smart
you’re everything i ever wanted
i might have pushed you away
i might have showed you too much and im sorry
i want to start over
i wish i could meet you again
i wish i could meet you right now
i was too much

its not you its me
its me
the way i carry myself the way i think the way i over analyze every situation and wonder why me
why choose me, im so dramatic so overwhelming so over the top so sad so anxious so insecure so me
why choose me
why want me in your life to **** the life out of you because in my eyes thats what i do
i cant accept affection anymore i cant accept a compliment and take it as its real im so me
its not you its me
when i drift off its not you its me
when i let go its not you its me

to all the friends ive had before
im sorry im sorry i changed
im not who i used to be i said id never change
sometimes i feel like who i was was who i was supposed to be
i was fun i was free
i wasnt who i am today
i feel like maybe i was more put together when i was at rock bottom
its what im used to its who im supposed to be
now im sober now im clean now i feel different
i never hear from you guys anymore i never see your faces
im not fun anymore i know but im still me
i used to have so many friends i used to be used to people wanting to be around me
now im friends are like me
lately ive been glimpsing twords the past its been around me
ive seen all their faces theyve offered my favorite things to me
i said no
they told me they dont know how i do it
i dont wanna die i dont wanna lose control again
it feels so good to reminisce but i dont wanna take one step closer
this time its harder
this time i have to be around
but now i have to see whos really in control
am or in control or who i used to be
to all the friends ive had before i’m sorry but i cant step only closer
i have to love from a distance
i have to care from a far
i cant step any closer
even if i want to i cant lose control
i cant be that person anymore i cant lose myself once more
because this is who i am now
this is who im supposed to be
i cant step backwards i cant go back to who i used to love
who i used to feel comfortable with
now they make me nervous
now they make me feel lost
to all the friends ive lost
im sorry but i cant step closer

i live my life strung off anti anxiety meds just to get by
i live life on the edge
not risk taking
just on the edge
always on the edge always on the edge of letting go
not sure of what i’m letting go of i just know i want to let go
i wish
i wish i wasnt who i am mentally
i wish
i wish
i wish i didn’t live my life full of hallow fears that stop me from moving on to better highlights of happiness
im stuck in my ways
the mirror doesnt fulfill
it doesnt fulfill what i want
it doesnt give me what i want
nothing gives me what i want
i search for myself in empty promises
someone to hold on to when my days are dark
they all show me that i shouldnt look for happiness in others
sadly i cant find it within
within i, i find resentment
resentment because im not who i used to be
i was always scared of change but never was i scared to take a chance
now i second guess my every move
but give my all those who ask
give my heart only from a glance
where my heart on my sleeve and hand it over to who asks
i dont second guess that
im looking for acceptance in whoever offers the best price
im looking for acceptance
someone to look me in my eyes
not someone who i have to sell my soul to just to be forgotten after they blink and realize im not who they want in theyre life
im not like every other girl
im full of fear and regret
im full and anxiety im scared of being left
im scared of losing hope i gave it all to the man upstairs
i wonder if he believes in me
i wonder if he knows im scared
i dont want to grow up i want to be 20 forever
i dont want to grow up i want to be 16
i dont want to grow up i want to be 11
i dont want to grow up
i cant imagine being alone without someone to hold my hand
i cant be guided by the lost forever
i cant be guided
im trying im making that clear
im taking steps to clear the smoke
ive made a mess of myself a few times now im holding it in
the mess is my own
i wont tell anyone how i feel
it doesnt make sense to even myself
if i tell anyone they wont understand
and explaning it will just fill me with doubt
i walk around with a rain absorbed cloud on my head
when the sun goes down it pours
i think alot in the night
when the sun comes up my mask goes on
i cant have anyone knowing i feel alone
i dont make it obvious i dont think
i wont dare to tell a soul
i lay myself open
read me like a book
just dont ask questions
i wont tell the truth
i cant tell a soul that im broken
i feel everything
even when i shouldnt
even time someone leaves it hits like a bullet
leaves a scar

sometimes i gotta take it back to my roots
i cant be intellectual forever
i come from the hood
that hood love draws me in
its what i was raised to love
the type of love where ima count your money and hide your drugs
the type of love where i pay your books and answer your collect calls
it all comes with a price
because most of those guys don’t know how to love
they think love is just saying i love you
its not about support where we come from
its about holding it down
paying the books
taking care of the kids
making sure you cook
its not about if you’re okay
its not about how you feel
its not about if you’re happy
tough love
not everyone works well with it though
I’ve become accustomed to hood love
to making sure he’s okay
maybe even hiding his drugs
ill hold it down when he’s in the pin
ill pick up the collect calls
ill take care of the kids when the time comes
just tell me you love me thats enough
make love to me like you love me thats enough

today i felt like i was drowning for the first time
i always thought I’ve felt like this before
but i really feel it now
i feel like i’m at the bottom of the ocean
with cinderblocks tided to my ankles
i feel
i feel everything
i’m full of emotions from today, yesterday and the day before
how do i release without forgetting
why don’t i want to forget at all?
today i feel like i am drowning
and everyone is watching and they don’t know
when i feel overwhelming emotions i just wait for them to go away
for them to silence
i never ask them to leave
i usually just pray
i’m not really religious but i just hope someones listening who wants to take away my pain
i don’t know the source of it
i wonder if tomorrow ill float

maybe in another life things could’ve been different
maybe in another life things could’ve worked
i crave you in the deepest way, forever i will want you
since my love for you is so deep i have to let you go
maybe in another life i could’ve been different i wouldn’t have showed you my worst sides
i have a piece of you forever but i want you
empty without you
i cant put to words how you make me feel
the things you showed me no one else could you made me feel on top of the world
i know i wont meet anyone else like you
i dont think ill ever want anyone else
when it first ended i tried to push all the feelings away
now theyre all rushing at me like the strongest wind and i have fallen
all i want is you i want you to hold me again i want you to comfort me again i want you again i want you close like i had you but i pushed you so far away
out of fear
trying to protect myself instead i blocked my blessings and now im left lonely missing you, maybe forever
if i try again if we try again i know it will never be the same
when you held me yesterday it almost felt the same but when you look at me its not what it used to be the side of me i showed you, it wasnt me
you showed me your worst but it didnt make me run it made me want to hold you closer i wish i could fix you i want to absorb your pain
the way i feel for you is something i dont think i could feel again
maybe i just have to pray that somehow you will fall into my arms again
maybe in this life it will work
maybe in the next life we can meet again
but forever i will love you

something has changed
my rose colored view i had when i saw you now transparent
what have you done?
what did you do to me?
as i float through life i gain recollection
where have you gone?
the tsunami you caused
underwater
my flaw are now too visible
where did the time go?
everything you did that was so wrong so toxic
i inhaled
i took in i gave it a home
is that what you loved the most?
i put my foot down i gave myself a voice
you said goodbye
said that i was negative
painted me as Lucifer himself
and you? you were jesus
voicing your word of reason
scolding me for being wrong
you didnt accept me
who i was, was wrong in your eyes
i admit im not always so well tempered
sometimes my anger gets the best of me
i have no filter
but what did i do so wrong in your eyes?
i pointed out your manipulation that worked for so long
you wanted me to be trained
to be all you wanted
nothing of how i came

i just hope if you ever leave you tell me before hand
i hope you tell me the love is gone
i hope you tell me in detail everything i did wrong
i wonder if you love me like you claim you do
or if you love me because its convenient for you
do you reciprocate my words with meaning
or are they hallow to keep me around?
do you make love to me for the feeling in your soul, the feeling you feel after, for the passion,
or do you do it for the satisfaction?
i contemplate on asking you, but would that make me insecure?
a person like me just needs to be sure, this love cant be like the one before.
i think i feel for you
i hope i haven’t just convinced myself that.
are you convenient for me?
am i using you to fill the hole that he left so hallow and cold?
a dark empty room
if you scream there’d be a echo
or do i love you?
i wonder if we think the same
are we both just convenient for right now?
is the void filled, for right now?
is this just right, only for right now?
i like to think about forever
seeing is believing.
i like to think about me folding your laundry and picking you up when you need me.
i like to think about seeing you become the man you need to be
but is that just me being me?
are my words just as hallow as i paint yours to be?
am i what i hate everyone else to be..?
do i say things because they sound good or do i say them because thats how i feel?
i think i feel
did i forget how to feel?
my love for him ran as deep as the ocean
id walk a thousand miles just for him to to tell to leave
id run to the ends of the earth for him to tell me he didn’t ask for that
id do whatever to make it work.
did i lose my touch of passion?
did i forget how to really love?
am i forcing such a deep connection because it feels good, because it’s convenient for right now?
because its getting me through the storm of him, are you boat in the flood?
did i call for help?
or were you just sent from “the man above”?
everything sounds good for right now
but it all does in the start.
will you do what he did?
will you soon pick me apart?
eat me alive, leave me to starve.
or will you fill me up until im full?
until i dont wonder if this is enough
until i love so hard that i can barely take it
until i forget where i went wrong with him and worry about where i can go right with you.
can you see my scars?
do i show that im insecure?
theres days where i want to leave you and let you go, without a word.
give you to someone who wont question your love
give you to someone whos sure of theirs.
and theres days where if you left
i feel like it’d hurt worse then when he did because i half way trust you, for right now.
what if hurt you like he hurt me?
am i capable of letting go even if this is all something i dont mean?
somedays i just keep asking you how you feel, because reassurance fuels me.
but is it making me just more sure of how i feel for you?
are you still going to be here tomorrow?
do you even understand me?
i dont trust words i dont trust actions i dont trust anything
tomorrow you could die for my love
and i’ll question if you only did it for the dramatics
if you only did it to play with me.
theres things about you that bother me
its like i want the perfect man
you promise change
i don’t want you to change
its makes want to leave but i promised i’d stay
i make alot of promises with every guy
i promise ill always be there i promise ill never leave i promise ill never lie
i never leave
im always there
i lie
something has to fall through
i want to trust
i want to really love
i want to feel it in my stomach
i want to feel in in my soul
i want to feel it in my bones
i want to feel again
when he left he took my trust with him
he took my heart with him he took half of me
do you miss me how i miss you?
did you find someone to fill your void too?
was there a void to fill?
you were lost before i met you, did i help you find a path or are you still wondering searching for you?
i want to save everyone but whos going to save me
i need some saving
but no ones got me like i got me
honestly i’ve barely got me
do you love me?
do you understand?
do you care when i say im sad?
do you wonder if i took my meds?
do you think about holding me when im falling apart?
do you think about me in labor with our first born?
do i remind you of someone else?
do i make you feel reborn?
im sorry my i love you’s might me hallow
i know i say them like their such a mouthful
i want love
i think, i want you
for now.

i could sit forever and reflect
reflect on everything thats happened and went wrong
everything thats happened and went right
but for some reason i just cant go back in time
i keep trying to
i keep trying to go back
i feel pain nothing but hallow poison running through me
what can make me feel full?
i use people to fill the void
and when they cant they need to leave
i wont tell them to though
i usually hope they can just do that on their own
everyday i look back on what didn’t go right
i look back on everything i could have done differently
how can i make myself better without a time machine
how can i make things right
without answers i feel so empty i feel so lost i feel so confused
but the questions scare me
they wont roll off my tounge they wont come out of my mouth without a fight their so bitter to taste i dont want to ask
rejection is my worst enemy my biggest fear my downfall
i will drown in toxicity drown in pain and unhappy feelings before i prepare for rejection
i usually forget my umbrella on a rainy day, if you know what i mean
the glass is always half empty, if you know what i mean
i want to relive every happy moment in my life just to feel full for a little while
my first love made me so full i want to fall in love with him again i want to meet him again i want him to mend me again
i cant pin point many times that ive felt full that ive felt complete im never complete never comfortable never content
i wonder if one day ill be
maybe one day ill feel so full that i’ll miss being empty
i hope one day i find purpose
i know one day i will i mean doesnt everyone
even if right after i find it i die i take my last breath i want to find purpose
my purpose throughout my years always ended up being making someone else happy
i want to relive the day i was born the first time i saw light
i cant remember that day but i wish i could
i wish i could meet my parents again
i wish i could meet my siblings again
i wish i was reborn i wish i had another chance
i guess you could say everyday is another chance but what about the baggage?
what about the pain that follows me its like im holding in a deep breath like im holding in a inhale full of smoke
how do i let it go
how could i unpack
i dont want to feel it anymore i want to forget
i cant hate these people anymore its draining my soul
i wish i could meet him again
my most recent disappointment
just so i could hurt him first
but he said i hurt him already but i cant seem to see how
my dad told me he hurt me because i had expectations but maybe i hurt him for the same exact reasons
i wonder what his expectations were for me
why did he even have them i wish he couldve read me
im not the type of person who you should expect anything other then suffocating feelings from
i wonder if i suffocated him
i hope i did i hope he felt my love
i didnt feel his but i dont even know if he was putting that on the table for me to eat
he didnt put that on my plate
its like gave me a bowl of peas but i was so hungry
i hate peas
but i was so hungry
i had to eat
i ate
i wasnt satisfied
but i ate
everyone gives me the worst meals but i eat
i hope i learn how to go back in time one day
so i can meet everyone i loved again and love them harder
maybe if i love harder this time they wont let go
i havent let go
im holding on to a rope but no ones holding on to the other side
im drowning
im hungry
im reflecting
i hope learn something

theres days where i day dream that you call
call even if youre still mad at yesterday and last month
call even if you want to yell
i miss your voice
i miss the way words rolled off your tongue so powerfully
i believed every word you spoke
like you were my savior
i worshiped
i worshiped you
when i spoke of you to others
they didnt see what i loved
i loved every piece of you
i wonder if you looked at me when i looked at you and thought of what i was thinking like i would do
what do you think of me today?
are you still mad?
i forgive you
if you asked me to run away today
my bags are packed
waiting by the door
listening for your car
are you going to come back
i plan on coming back if you let me
open the door its locked
can we talk about everything one more time
i think i understand a few more things
i think i understand why you did this to me
i think i understand
i ponder on the thought
do you know what you did to me?
i think you do
i miss you sometimes
i miss your voice
tomorrow ill wait for your call
and the next day too