I wish you all the best, but I want all your best.
I want you to finally be happy and be in a good place, just as long as that place is inside my house.
I can’t promise that I’ll ever be happy for you, because I want to love you at your happiest.
I crave you at your most productive.
most passionate.
least insecure.

I want the best you,
and I still can’t understand why you couldn’t be him for me.

i stripped myself down
i stood there naked and cold
you looked at me and smiled
but then you turned around

I googled how to feel and I wish it told me something new.
I’m always thinking of you. When I can’t sleep at night.
I’ll put up any fight. Just to watch myself lose.
I’m decoding all the cues. From you.
Blinded by the shadow of regret.
Your love is the weakest bet.
I can’t wait to lose.

I remember you wore that shirt when we would stay in long nights together.
It made me feel so safe, seeing you decorated in those perfectly stitched designs.
In your sleeves you would wrap me and tell me everything would be fine next time.
Your collar was a burying ground for my secrets. But now it's just a target for my tears.  
That shirt reminds me of when you spoke to me softly as my panic attacks turned to night terrors and I was terrified to shut my own eyes.
I remember when I put on that shirt.
With the red collar.
You begged me to get into bed with you.

You clothed my fears with the cotton nooses of your wardrobe.
I thought I cut them off and destroyed the straight jackets in your closet
They could never hold me down again.

You're wearing that T-shirt.
Without me.
but Somehow,
I still can't breathe.

Being in a relationship was like doing a puzzle.
Always trying to complete it to view the beautiful picture we had to offer.
Our sides somehow fit together like they had been perfectly constructed for exact placement.
The four seasons cornered each end of our picture and changed everything around us, but never the potential of a great portrait.
Center pieces showed the shades of ourselves we so desperately searched for in the color scheme.
Our many shapes pieced what we needed to do in order to see the final product.
The love we once shard held the pieces of us together and revealed the picture of all we could become if we just prevented the puzzle from getting boring.
Discovering where each piece belonged was you struggling to read my mind, and knowing when not to.
I never imagined our final picture; that took such determination and careful execution would never been seen.

In the cracks of our piece of art lied the fears and guilts that grew thicker and made our pieces dull.  
Before our picture could turn dark by the cracks and disappear into the black I knocked out puzzle to the ground and put away the table that once so generously held us up.

But puzzles aren't fun by yourself.
Lately, as I scatter to clean up the pieces of our once adored scenery, I see yours are missing.
And my edges don't seem to fit correctly.

You deserve the kind of love that drives your crazy
You deserve the kind of love that maks you sick
you deserve the kind of love that makes me cry whenever I see you with another woman
The love that makes you happy.
The love that makes you whole.
the love I could have given you.
                       If the time were right.

completely incapable of holding any and all functioning relationships