It was supposed to be fun.

New school, new supplies,
Thin, neon highlighters glowing inside
Vera Bradley backpacks.

Skinny folders assigned to
Pointless subjects,
Which would be fattened
With pointless homework
By the end of the day.

It was supposed to be fun,
And for a little while, I forgot.

I forgot until History.

The new teacher hadn't lived here
Longer than a week,
Which was why he was
Excited
About teaching.

He had on a brand new tie
From Banana Republic
Which was obviously tied
By his wide eyed fiance.

His classroom was bare, as he explained,
"Don't worry,
I ordered posters yesterday."

The teacher wasn't the problem.

The problem was,
Between Richardson
And Roberts,
He still existed.

At least in the school system he did.

"Ashley Paulette?"
"-Here."
"Abby Richardson?"
"-Here."
"Bennett Rill?"

And my life shattered all over again.

The silence felt
Deafening.

Remembering how he wouldn't be there.
Not ever.

"Bennett Rill?"

The teacher was confused, looking around the room
For someone
Who was buried six feet under.
Someone who the teacher might've thought
Was sick, or vacationing.

It was supposed to be fun.
But then I remembered

Pupils like pins altered in transmission
A lump in the mind jumpstarts to life
It's only a matter of time before the malfunctions occur
For some tests and trials the result is cancer
Ask Moscow after fifteen years
Grasp your cellphone without an ounce of fear
Deny the facts right in front your face
or be a minority of one
Completely insane

I know that I love you
more than anything in the world
I dont know if you feel this way too
but if you do
please let me know
because my heart aches at the sight of your face
and i cherish every moment that i spend with you
I also know
that you've been cruel
to my soul
and I know there's something
you know
that I dont
and as you hug
my best friends in the world
i only think
that we're that much more perfect for each other
every night
I lay in bed
hoping
that one night
you'll call my name
and save me
from the agony of your absence

we say
no strings attached
we say
feelings won't get in the way
we say
it's meaningless
but two people
that have engaged
in this type of behavior knows
that feelings do get in the way
that emotions are stirred
and hearts are broken
and love is present
I find myself dumbfounded
when thinking
that I could have ever thought
that I wouldn't love you one day
and now
I just look into your eyes
I say a word or two
we're both confused
it's painful
and stupid
yet
it's the best thing that has ever happened to me

I thought you liked me
As a friend
And nothing more
Which killed me.

But I liked you
As so much more.
As more than a friend.
As that guy
Who would tie my shoes
And open my doors
And kiss my forehead.

As that guy who
Texts first in the morning
And last at night.

I loved you.

And now I know,
You will open my doors
And tie my shoes
And kiss my forehead.

And text me all day,
Not just in the morning
Or night.

Because you don't like me as a friend.
You like me as so much more.

And that gives me life.

I wonder if these words will reach you
Penning them down furiously
Wondering, thinking
What's your reaction?
Are you happy, exalted that I deem you
This important
Or does it even matter anymore
Brush me off, treat it with disdain
Shrug it off your shoulders
Like the burden of these words
Don't lie with you anymore

Hey,
What're you thinking?
Will these words even get to you
I don't know whether I should
Show it to you
I feel embarassed at the thought
Of this ever reaching you
And you knowing that it was about you
Would **** you
I know where you're at
Just not with me
I feel pathetic

Yes, this isn't going to reach you
I am not going to put it in a place
Where you'll know this is me
And the 'you' here is YOU

My heart fragments a bit
I feel more downcast now
I've stopped writing so furiously
Lean back a bit
Examine these words
The black, the blue

What's the point
If I don't show this to you
How will I know
Your reaction?

This world seems to cruel
For there to be a god

I don't believe anything
That the old testament has to say

The words that once led me in life
Are nothing but rhetoric

Because religion is ambiguous
And everything it has to offer is twisted

My religion is the feeling of success
It's the music that never escapes my mind

It's Bob Dylan's songs
Allen Ginsberg's poems

My religion is your touch
The friends by my side

I refuse to have religion imposed on me
I will not have my first amendment rights infringed upon

I will not say candles are holy
Just because my deceased grandmother believed so

I am a person
I am not a religion