Why do you waste your energy?
You present that radiant smile.
hug me like
our touch will stop,
the desperate pleas of those in need.
Why?

I need for you to see the truth

think of me like a robber
entering your holy presence
I'm faking,
rounding up your feelings
stowing them away,
and you still think
I'm benefiting

I'm not
and in the dead of night
dressed all in black
the brightest thing about me
is the smirk
escaping my lips

I take your feelings and sell them
use the pleasure I gain as an escape
from the numbness
tearing my soul to shreds

Happiness
seems like a foreign land
I'm walking there
I'm trying- I am

the paths getting harder to see
I keep my head down
eyes focused
this haze
it's too strong for me

my throats tightening up
I know
what it means

I laugh just once more
because
somehow
I've found the end
when I was just looking for the beginning

Our hands interlock,
yet,
we couldn't be any farther away.

I try to navigate
take the longer path
hope the roads confuse me
hope they create an illusion,
not even the steadiest eyes could endure

I try to memorize what I need to explain
hope a beast surrounds me and takes my breath away
hope it leaves me with no chance to speak again

I try to persuade myself it's all going to be okay
but really
i wish it wasn't me
who had to carry the bags
explain the mess

eventually I run out of roads to take,
fake illusions to make, and their are no more beasts that could possibly harm me

so i tell them the truth

'the pain hurts every single day, and I'm afraid, his memory is never going away'

and if a tear or two falls down my cheeks
I turn my back and accept - i've done my best.

The poet inside of me,
wants to believe,
he could love me.

For when he whispered in my ear,
I couldn't dare stop the tug of my lips.

But, I had to remind myself
he's just a friend.

I may think, write, explore
yet, love for me
is nothing my pen or paper,
can create.

I'm crying
because I understand now
I let you go
why
I was afraid together we would go places
I could never go alone
and that scared me

and now I feel horrible
I'm lonely
it's my fault
I had you
but now you have her
oh, what did I do?