I collect scars.
I show them to people rarely.
Sometimes I think of them fondly,
sometimes I think of them coldly.

I write a lot about the place where (we) met.
Where (we) fell in love.
Where (we) grew apart.

I guess in a way, my memories are scars.
I collect memories.
I share them with people rarely.
Sometimes I think of them fondly,
sometimes I think of them coldly.

Red flags.
This has happened before.

Turn around,
don't smile when you see her,
stop smiling,
don't laugh when she jokes,
stop laughing,
don't fall in love,
stop falling in love.

I give up, but only for a day.

I surrender today over to substances
and habits.

I give today to self loathing
and self pity.

I lend today to writing and erasing
writing and erasing
writing and erasing.

I allow today to not matter.

**** those people who said it only gets better.
They lied to us.
They lied to you and me
and all the other kids with tear soaked cheeks
and problems with substances/self harm/depression.

It gets better
but its got to get bad first.

It took me years of tears to realize
that things will get better.
They will.
They may get worse first,
they may stay the same for a while,
they may get better and return ten times worse
but they will get better.
They have to.

It has been so long
Too long
It's only been 2 months
But that time has caused me to be
Oh so lonely

And I've only known you for 4 days
And in that time
You have filled the hole that he left

I don't know
How tall you are
How old you are
What the color of your eyes are
What the color of your hair is
If you're right or left handed
If you're going to school

All I do know
Is that you made me laugh as soon as you spoke
That you wanted to know my name as soon as I spoke
Is that you want to know me better
That you would choose Beyonce over Taylor Swift any day

I don't want you
Believe me, I don't love you
But you have filled a hole
With the pings and beeps
With the skype telephone calls
With your jokes
With your laugh

You have filled a hole

I just want to know you better now

I work
I work for every I have ever wanted
I work 6 hours after school every day
I work every weekend
I work till I have blisters on my hands and feet

My hands are dry,
calloused, but strong

I'm sore,
but stronger

I may not know sleep and luxury like you
I may not know what its like to be finacially taken care of
but I know a different luxury

I know the luxury of freedom
the freedom to make my own money
my own choices
I know I can fall back on my strength

You have to rely on daddy's money
I rely on myself and my stamina

One day when you don't have daddy's money
and you wake up to the real world

I will be sitting here with
my saving
my home
my happy life
laughing because while I was working
you were dicking around
not knowing hard work

Everything about you is wonderful to me.
Everything.
I want to know everything about you,
I want to know what the kids called you in 4th grade on the playground
I want to know who your first boyfriend was and what your dad wanted to do when he broke your heart
I want to know who your favorite 80's synthopop band is
I want to know what you think of when you wake up at 4:26 in the morning with a stiff neck
I want to know what color you wish your softest skirt was
and I want to buy it for you.
I want to pick every single flower on earth and fill your arms with them.

I want to hear your voice when you're sick in bed
and I want to know what kind of tea to bring you
I want to know what movie you watch when you can't do it anymore
because that boy in your history class wouldn't stop calling you that word and ******* it you are not that word but this movie makes you feel better and it always has (it did in 4th grade when they called you that name on the playground)

I want to know which side of your face you prefer to have photographed
I want to know who you pray for
and if you think anybody is listening.

I want to know what your mother wanted to name you before your father convinced her otherwise because "Honey, do you really want our daughter to grow up being called that and have her know that we are responsible?"

I want to know if you like the feel of cold hardwood floor on your feet in the morning or the feel of carpet when you first take your rain boots and socks off after stomping puddles.

******* it, I want to know everything about you
so I can love every single one of those things with an intensity
the devout Christian envies.