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Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2015
When I was young I used to long for tragedy to swiftly come and relieve me of my family...

I didn't want my life.

I figured if they were gone then there would be nobody to hurt when I made my departure, and I wouldn't have to watch them waste away...

It seemed logical to me...

I would wonder why when I started talking openly about my own suicide people would get really quiet and even clam right up.

I didn't understand why it was such a big deal...

(I mean it is my life isn't it?)

I was confused as to why they couldn't be happy for me knowing what I wanted to do with my life..
                  I didn't understand...

I thought to finish "the race" was the goal.

And it made sense to me that if I did not fit into these classifications of occupation that I had no business being here...

(So why drag it out?)

               I thought it could be like a celebration...

All of us gathered around a bedside or a table somewhere with balloons all around us

And for the time we had together we would all be smiling...

Laughing in photogenic blissful ambience.

Fading out of focus because the end is too cold to bear...

I was so confused...

But the feeling never really went anywhere...

It just stayed.

And I didn't...
  Jan 2015 Andrew Kerklaan
Sam Temple
hate gets such a bad rap
I hate popcorn kernels in my teeth
they are more than an irritant
outside of the simple terminology:
“dislike”
“negative feelings”
or
“makes me sad”
no, I hate them
so much so I refuse to eat popcorn
caramel-coated
buttered flavored
spicy southwest seasoning
can **** ***** if sprinkled
on corn
dried and popped –
when I think of 130 military bases
spread across this entire globe
infecting cultures
with American ideology
so that our corporations can make more money
while simultaneously gaining ownership
over sovereign peoples’ resources
only to then sell those same resources back to the original owners
again, simply for the profit margin
hate fills my veins
I clinch my fists
and pound the table
I scream at the injustice
while wearing Nikes –
hate is pure
raw and real
it is the reverse to every love and joy
it is the counter to each peace and harmony
without it, who could truly know
balance –
inspired by a pretty bird :)
I don't want there to be a day where I have to read a speech at my best friend's funeral because she commited suicide.

I don't want to have to say how cruel and horrid the world is to destroy such an amazing and innocent person.

I don't want to watch her happiness wipe away from her face as sadness and darkness plagues her heart.

I don't wanna get that call in the middle of the night telling me my friend is gone.

I don't want to dream of her smiling, to wake up to a dying soul.
But a dream is only a dream..

I don't want to be watched by a ghost of a friend who didn't want to live.

But, it's happening. People will keep being cruel to the most loving people, until they no longer want to be in this hell.

I don't want to watch a friend die.

Please don't make me.
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2015
It's right there

In a perfect little bow tie but my own desperate, clambering need to be the first to get there leaves me with nothing

All that's left now is the shredded remains..

Scraps -- from which no nourishment can be salvaged.

No morsel contained.

(It is in this moment I realise the terror that resides within myself)

Haunting my endeavours, creeping up and into my personal life...

Weaving it's sickness as a woven quilt to my very skin!

Exposed for all to see

Somehow mortally wounding.

My need for absolution is blinding in a frantic and overwhelming kind of way...   I try to fight it but this weakness is unyielding in it's quiet persistent insistence

Like subliminal messages at times it stems seemingly from nowhere-- Polluting the hopes and dreams of those who love me

I feel that I am always improving. (Or at least trying to...)

Striving for a better life

But I feel faulted inside...

A mistake or flaw now too deeply buried to bring to cessation...

It's unresolved conflicts still taking toll on my personal affairs

Still feeding it's sickness back into me...

I feel weak but somehow complete

Lost but not yet alone...

And I think for just a moment before it passes that maybe things are not so fleeting?

But come the end of the day

I know

It must just be me...

Why wouldn't it be?

I ruin it for myself...
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