"you'll never find someone who'll love you the way I did"

God, I hope I don't .

you loved me in a way that made my insides corrosive and that's probably why I felt as cold and empty as a church confessional when you entered .

I'm not entirely sure what it is about looking at you that makes me feel like churches collapsing , my entire life is sore and I can't barely breathe because everytime I open my mouth apologies cramp mdown my throat and to be honest never have I ever been so tired of love because it just reminds me of rows of suits on bent knees and a little too lates
maybe one day I'll be able to laugh without the fear of cockroaches marching into my mouth and, well and...........
and.......

it would probably never work because I've been through so many F words
and the only one that's stuck was fuckable and not the one that best described myself and life as a whole which I believe is fragile
you can't walk a day without bumping into an f word that f worded me and it's f word that it's common knowledge that I've been through so many f words but apparently not shared that I've spilled myself into coffee mugs and paint jars tryin to turn f words into futures and I've all ever been through so many cause I just want to be loved and **** it Freddy Kruger I just want someone to love
but F words will be ******* and and I'll move on to the next word trying to find a new sword to bleed myself out of being
cause he lied and he lied
and all I did was bend in angles set squares couldn't even triangle but in the end there's more then 2billion 6hundred and forty2 F words in language and I'll just always be the girl with too many f words and it's no shocker why I'm suffering from heart failure

Daddy never clutched a bible to his chest
But I'm guessing he wished for one that afternoon when he's blood ran hot and a heart attack creeped on him
I bet he clutched his shirt in agony and anguish
God I prayed
My two knees gave up on me and I kneeled right beside the hospital bed
With the old testament in my lap , gripping his hand tightly
I held on to the last scraps of my being
And God I prayed

Every single night since then I have this reoccurring dream
Its the 17th of may
And I'm in my black dress , hair wrapped in a dainty black turban
There is no life in me
I'm clutching my chest cause it pains
And the tears are streaming down my face as I watch them lower daddy's coffin into the ground ,
The pounding wind of the early winter is cruel and mocking
And I want to scream and tell them to stop,
Its a mistake
No
My daddy's still alive
But he's body is so cold
Pappa tsoga , why o tonya so?
Pappa ....  

I'm standing there and my legs buckle under my weight
And it hurts to breathe and it hurts to blink
And I'm buried in tears, not silent and controlled tears but loud and unrestrained
Flooding out in harsh breathes.
And it dawns on me that
O tsamaile papa
And I must now
Stumble and crash through this life thing without him
With this prominent pain where he ought to  be

Andractive

For some strange reason I can't imagine you leaving me
And that leaves me with this staggering thought that I might be the one to run away one day
And I think maybe you have that thought too
You're always telling me I'm scared of a lot of things and so I choose to run away from them
And I want to argue
But
My dad taught me how to leave
And I've never really stayed a day in my life since
I try and convince you I'm just being cautious
But you can tell that's not it

My tummy rumbles when I'm with you
And I lie and say you give me butterflies
But really that's just stomach crouching behind my spine
I'm sorry I write these essays
And call them love letters
I'm sorry
But if I don't
IM stuck with all these paragraphs in my head
And they get in bed with me ,
Waiting , for a splint amount if sleep to emerge before ripping me apart from the inside out.

But i'll try and stop
Even if they infest me , silently and unexpectedly like an army of ants
Or as harshly and violently as a waves colliding into one another
I'll stop
Because one 3am letter about cognitivity is a ccompliment
but 6 letters on the same subject is nothing but a shame
The fine line between you holding me
and you holding me hostage is  wearing
so thin that I can hardly see it
-Allie