i am a bad artist
my body is a vessel for emotion that nearly never gets opened
and when it does, it's confetti blown from a sawed off shotgun
but for now, the safety is on
and little pieces of colored paper decorate my sleep in the form of nightmares
putting my finger over that trigger feels a lot like losing control
i am powerless
fighting fire with gasoline in a house i live in, alone
i am alone
because the people who taught me how to love do not love me and that makes me
lonely

did it ever occur to you that maybe i'm exactly where i wanted to be?
years and years of self destruction in hopes that i'll eventually be sick enough to take the medicine
sick enough to be bed ridden
mother in the chair in the corner of the room, praying for me
calling all the doctors, saying "she needs help"
but i tell her im sick and she says "i need help"
and i don't know how to get well with a hypochondriac

they told me to use sage
cleanse my soul, my environment, my headspace
and i agree with them because i don't know how to say that i'm already clean without having to explain that i've taken 2 baths today
and yesterday

lately i just can't seem to find my faith
i think it may have gotten lost somewhere between the hotel, three different therapists, and the letters i get in the mail from a team of people that want to know my truth
my truth?
well i apologize, your honor, as my truth is
an ocean, a non-linear mass of blue, only 5-7 percent discovered

i guess what i'm trying to say is

i am afraid
that when you ask me to take the safety off and pull the trigger
i'll forget how to aim

I was watching the fish a few days ago, and decided to join them.
Their flickering fins slowly glinted as the sun sank beside me.
I came prepared: purple swimsuit, goggles, and a glowstick
But I left behind a life preserver.
It was on the shore, just in case, but as my feet graced the waves it no longer felt necessary to take precautions.

The golden red hues faded as the water got cold and I continued to drift.
My glowstick glanced off scales and shells, and my hair dye ran like blood around me.

Humans aren't supposed to be able to live without oxygen.
The body will shut down in at least four minutes with severe brain damage, and the possibility of death,
But how can one think of that in moments like this?

Even when all that is left is green, man-made light,
Waiting two seconds in murky liquid, the water comes alive.
Anemones waved as I sunk deeper, their glow penetrating the black.
Schools of fish twirled between my thighs as I landed softly on a coral bed, then slipped off into the sand.

Bubbles brewed from my nose.

Eyes burning as my gaze roved
I was blind in the darkness.
My chest began to tighten,
But who cared?
I had been watching fish, and found myself instead.

She was so bubbly
Saliva like soda
Her eyes were so bright you could hear them pop
You could give an audience to the sugary syrup in her voice
You could feel the carbonation on her lips
And you could taste the sweet fizz on her tongue.
She was so bubbly
Before you came
Now she tastes flat.

I've always wanted to try and fix things but no one can get you
Your walls are to high to see over and to hard to break through
You give enough to stay interesting because you love attention but not enough so people can get you
You have you feelings on a lock, you give the first two combinations away like they're nothing,
The last is your prize possession

You're like a gift that never gets opened, people get excited to see you but never get to see whats inside.
I've always been to scared to approach you and to scared to let go
I was never sure if you felt the same
I got tired of playing that game, so I stopped.

Tell us what we want to hear
If you don't know it, think because its something you fear
Don't lie, because I've heard it before

When you first told me you loved me
I heard music, musicians sang and danced in my head, I loved it
Not only because it was beautiful but because it made it so crowded
The deep dark thoughts became less tragic, it felt like magic
I became attached
Like a leech on skin and peanut butter smoothly slicked on jelly
I loved the get away

Those 3 words were the car outside the bank I was about to rob
They were the cape I used to fly away
And they were my escape from this hellish thing we call reality
but nothing last forever

After awhile you stopped telling me you loved me
You drove away from the bank, tore the cape into pieces, and brought me back!

You closed up
built walls, added extra layers and checked twice for flaws
You locked up your feelings and all I've ever wanted to say since is, Thank you.

Those magical words still linger in my head like warm air on a hot summer day
So thank you, for teaching me how to love others and myself
Thank you for being there for me and being someone I felt like I could always go to
And thank you for making me happy, because lets be honest, it's almost as rare as diamonds

You might not know this but I hope you the best
I just wish you believed in yourself just as much as I still do
I hope you go to college in Hawaii, have a small wedding and find someone who makes you feel special because you deserve water falls of happiness.

You probably think I hate you, so this all must sound a bit weird
but I don't, never have and probably never will
If anything I still love you, platonicly
I get I'm still young and people say I can't know what love is
But I know that I still think of you
I still cry every time I listen to our song
I still wonder what I could have done differently, and I clearly still write poems about you
So if thats not love then Ill just keep wondering what is

Honesty, you'll probably never hear this
Ill probably just delete this
Due to my fear lf this
But if I don't and you do, please understand that this next part is hard for me to say

Im sorry it's taken me this long to finally realize that apologizing isnt weak
I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything I put you through
I just wish that I knew it earlier, so I wouldn't have had to stay up till 3, on a school night, writing this poem to say Thank you and Im sorry.

I can never read you
You've written your book in a language only you understand
And I'm tired of being confused

I thought I liked being only a friend
Now I get that I don't
So take my hand and teach me