Fifteen. I switch houses every week packing a bag with as many clothes to last me months. I wish I was carrying that bag onto the next flight out of this prison instead of six blocks down the road. Fifteen my parents fight and it sounds like a broken record nobody has the guts to throw away. It's hard to believe you when you say you don't hate each other. I guess that has to do with the fact that you refuse to see each other face to face. Fourteen I'm crying myself to sleep because you're trying to erase the thoughts and memories of you ever being in love. Packing away the wedding gifts and burying the pictures along with the feelings that you killed three years ago. The ones whose grave you never bother to visit anymore. Never letting people lay flowers down by the tombstone because it doesn't matter anymore. Thirteen I force my laugh to cover up my pain when you get embarrassed when you accidentally write my fathers name on the Christmas card. Thirteen I've stopped hanging out with my friends because I hate what's become of me. Twelve. My life gets flipped upside down. You file for a divorce and you sign the papers realizing how much of a mistake this was. How much of a mistake I was. Twelve. I am forced to survive on my own. I grew up 4 years early. I'm afraid to leave my bed because I don't want to mess up. But I guess that at this point it doesn't make a difference because my life has been shattered and I can't pick myself up long enough to sweep up the pieces. Eleven, ten, nine, eight we're happy. I look forward to getting up and starting my day. Sunshine is evident in my eyes and stars twinkle throughout my body, constellations forming in my smile. Seven, six, five I enter kindergarten. Recess was my favorite part of the day. I could actually stand spending time with my family. I lived for dinner time because it meant being together and seeing the happiness wash upon our faces like waves crashing on the seashore. It used to be so beautiful. Five. Four, three, two, one. If only I had known what was going to happen. I would have started packing my bags.

(g.p.)

She holds me while I rest uncomfortably
She grabs my hand when I'm lost in dark places.
Her fiery spirit reignites the embers in my cold soul.
With a kiss on the cheek she gives me the wings
That I'll leave this dreadful mortal space with.
She makes smooth the splinters in my conscience.
When I kissed her again
The bed of nails I was doomed to fall on
Was transformed into a field of her favorite flowers.
She takes away my itch for the volatile substances I crave so badly.
She changed me.
She makes me who I am.

like inhaling
rotten ****
bile in your throat
a lump
chest tightening
night frightening
never-ending
agony
messed mosaic
of broken dreams
hopes and wishes
glass shattering
veins smashing
mixing, mixing:
blood and tears
tears and memories
tears and promises.

When I was small
I walked on fairy dust and
my dreams were as tall
as skyscrapers towering
above the universe
inside of me, was the galaxy.
I was born of the cosmos,
full of light and love
passionate in my quest to
give this to others.
But as I grew my star began to fade,
stars need love and light to survive
and deprived of both my blazing fire
transformed into weak candlelight.
At school I had learnt it was easier
to hide your light
than to stand out as different
and be extinguished in an instant.
So I kept myself to myself
at the back of the class,
knowing the answers but not
shouting them out.
I daydreamed, and doodled
stars on the corners
of my books, all the while
I could hear the universe
calling out to me to trust,
that we are all born of this
cosmic stardust.

As you held my gaze to yours for the first time,
I tried to stop myself from looking away from your loving gaze.
As you held my hand for the first time,
I tried to resist letting go and wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans.
As you held my body close to yours for the first time,
I tried to calm down to stop the rapid beating of my heart.
As you press your lips against mine for the first time,
I tried to stop myself from lifting one of my feet off the ground.
As you start showing your eternal love to me for the first time,
I tried to stop myself from shying away from you as no one has ever loved me as much as you.

{ E.I }