i m a g i n e d  relief
constructed to stop        
       the flooding

in my mind
it's the moving green
and the timbre of your voice

in my mind
it's the couch
the couch
the couch
the couch

in my mind
it's the music
it's the wine
it's the candle flicker

in my mind
it's the bed
the sheets
the breeze

in my mind
it's the blaze of eagerness
the strength in the trees
the rush of the water
the rush
the rush
the rush

i wasn't wrong
i'm right around that corner
*i'm right around the corner.

(or why start smoking
in your late thirties)

a confession.


the w h i t e paper
thin, c r i s p
against tips
of fingers
with the t h i n n e s t lines of gold
the burnt umber
to the brown
to the beige
to the white
to the black
black
black
i n h a l e
suddenly i'm alive
i know because i can feel
something
(anything)
then the
e x h a l e
each cycle a moment
suspended in time
the wisps of smoke
transient
unique
and finally
the smell
an
a n c h o r.

not what you expected?

but do you
       even know
that you don't
  HAVE
        to do
any of it?

something about
that bass line
      kills me

    reminds me of you
(and sheila e)
          c o o l  air
and
a sense i have
|no more|
of things being right.

i finally understand
   what all the sad songs are about
i finally get it
    that feeling that your beating heart
has been torn from your chest
the sick feeling
that constricts your efforts to breathe
the tears that will not stop
puffy red eyes and lips
the feeling of complete terror
that you have somehow
lost something beautiful and rare
that you have let him down
finding the desire of your heart
a direct connection - electric - maddening
and you know
this is exactly what i've always wanted
crazy c r a z y hope
gone in the blink of an eye
but i had to try for him
i had to
he was something worth fighting for
and i won't take down the drawing
and i don't want to forget
and i can cry to sad songs if i want to.

will   things   love   time   thing   life   eyes   feel   light   people   mind   beautiful   find   heart   thought   man   face   place   good   night   day   hard   moment   earth   sun   imagine   better   going   music   truth   hope   air   woman   space   men   hear   break   white   understand   women   ****   black   wrong   body   best   girls   brain   wall   real   lies   sure   suddenly   cry   fire   word   sound   art   terror   stand   blue   path   keep   speak   thoughts   matter   dark   hold   pretty   sleep   thinking   tears   fool   years   human   move   red   state   left   *******   feeling   strange   ****   voice   learn   sad   coming   times   crazy   golden   water   record   wanted   making   glass   sense   felt   fear   listen   desire   sky   matters   power   mine   person   kind   care   hair   bad   queen   breathe   lost   create   song   long   forward   true   deep   winter   green   hey   woods   watch   dream   days   knew   strength   close   cold   moving   bright   stupid   guess   live   quiet   write   *******   paper   fall   beauty   choose   decide   help   walk   listening   bird   reality   pieces   eye   smile   honest   trees   cast   feet   sister   birds   single   entire   remember   money   silence   happened   lips   figure   metal   lines   silver   hate   question   piece   silly   inside   bass   fine   gonna   hell   head   pull   ***   wild   dead   paint   sadness   work   closer   sounds   pain   nice   afraid   hands   burn   takes   chest   year   realize   car   god   lights   describe   fast   wine   blood   trust   high   color   looked   big   ready   call   ideas   breath   alive   songs   heavy   gold   ground   children   stars   build   cool   point   thinks   stay   grey   waves   taught   sit   running   today   walking   smoke   full   fact   simply   family   follow   game   straight   slowly   loved   minutes   nature   sake   grasp   great   seek   girl   literally   free   wood   bones   wait   lose   tree   dreams   sweet   ways   despair   baby   easily   hiding   clear   heard   throw   house   mouse   memory   hand   storm   bring   side   universe   note   slow   story   order   utter   job   young   death   reach   standing   gin   whisper   constantly   revealed   fair   boom   mitsubishi   warm   corner   cousin   brilliant   leave   ****   pay   gotta   education   telling   escape   fly   rush   opponent   second   open   soft   watched   cheese   humanity   country   apart   happiness   colors   gaze   void   imagined   opposite   circles   room   ice   clearly   bed   worth   force   data   save   father   deserve   boy   grow   flow   jesus   pretend   hide   dragon   shape   meaning   hot   nights   perfect   alert   yellow   start   *****   tiny   rage   aware   answer   told   wind   blankets   liberated   crying   idea   decided   happy   school   arms   action   finally   simple   die   sick   guts   moves   wife   sir   turn   tight   teach   attention   completely   strong   yeah   admit   assault   change   liar   empty   knowing   surely   miserable   feels   challenge   forget   angry   lives   happening   shadow   secret   roll   stones   child   purple   reading   hurt   pink   eat   circle   failed   wanting   seriously   guys   retreat   shine   vast   energy   ugly   rare   funny   lay   crushing   calm   weight   low   struggle   falling   pounding   ago   moon   distracted   recognize   ahead   leaves   teeth   government   exactly   land   direct   talk   names   turns   worst   play   fail   expect   legs   hours   center   news   stories   sitting   met   utterly   held   purpose   dance   caught   problem   mouth   future   consider   watching   serious   absence   shining   president   mile   cuz   turned   touch   catch   paying   group   reflected   view   brings   letting   fed   pulling   shoulder   violence   strike   fun   push   reaching   laugh   confusion   heat   add   allow   gods   ink   orange   unable   general   someday   growing   dancing   drama   bend   fingers   pretending   walls   reasonable   searching   neck   brought   grass   dare   instant

(wait a minute)
borderlands edition
2018

once fear
takes hold
it spreads like fire
all consuming
seemingly alive
and unstoppable.

i am not immune.

and neither are you.

i can almost hear
the horseman rattle
as the stampede decends

“the mexicans are coming!”

The MEXICANS are COMING
“Now!”
“Build a wall!”
“Man the **** deck!”
“Take the children!”

i’m no *****.
if the POTUS is screaming
to take cover from
ms-13,
i listen.
here’s the key, people.
listen.
research.
react.
don’t do it in any other order.
my elementary teachers
taught me about primary
and secondary sources.
i’ve been practicing
my entire life.

and i can tell you,
that immigration from the
southern border has been in
a steady decline for
a decade.

the POTUS’S own people
identified less than
200 ms-13 gang members caught
illegally going over the border.

immigrants are less likely
to commit crimes than
the rest of the population.

listen. - research -
and only then,
r e a c t

(thank christ for teachers)

measure the
                       quantum  j i t t e r
go ahead,
i dare ya!            
say my name
     like you are
             casting it
                       in bronze
                  make it stay
*make something stay.

like lightning,
but the bolts are my veins,
electricity branching
in waves upon waves

i won’t send my
guttural song,
the rumbling scream.
only these pleas.

when i want to remember
what it feels like
to be happy,

i close my eyes and
imagine your face.

and it never fails
to make me
smile.

then comes the return
of the sadness
of your absence.

(in my heart of hearts)


to please stop
asking me to
a c c e p t the cookies.

thank you kindly, gentlemen,
for the notice.

and i keep
going back to the places
   i know i've b e e n
but i don't find her
in the wood
or at the water

how to go
back to the places i know
i've been
i don't find her
no
the places i go back
the places i go back

walking for the emptiness
walking for the mind moves
and i won't cry for you
it's not what i do
it's not what i do
i listen to the blues
i sink into the blue.

(i can, but i won't.)

i am this,
but i am also not this.

i see you
but i won't say so,
until i will.

but if i hear it,
i might feel it.
and if i feel it,
i might become it.

i don't like the word evil.
it is removed,
other.
there is no evil.
there are only men.
wrong thinking,
wrong actions,
and ineffective systems.
we cannot fix evil.
but the shape of society
is up to us.
we are responsible
for the growth or destruction
of our minds.

i give up.
i surrender, *******.

see my white flag flying?

i have nothing more
to give you.

i have nothing more
to say.

so it cannot
u n r a v e l  me
    untie  me
make me w e a k                    
    and s i c k

no, i never want
to see those
f e a t u r e s
                 i |used| to
t  r a c e  in the dark

i know, sweet sister
how it feels to be
|turned inside out|
thrown to the wolves
i know, i know, i know.

enemies at the gates?
i know.
women like snakes?
i know.
feel yourself clawing to the surface?
i know.

no words will suffice
no words will mend
no words spit
and no words cried
i know, i know, i know.

lies upon lies upon lies?
i know.
still you care?
| i know |

nowhere to turn?
i know.
rage to waken the devil?
i know.
sadness.
| i know |

and
| i know you |
and i would be
*nothing without you.

my beauty
has no ties to
the length
of my hair
or the
size of my waist.

and neither does yours.

even in
the wilds
of
   west virginia

i feel as though
i have been trying
to reach you
my entire life.

i tried to
hack through
your walls with
brute strength,
but only succeeded
in reinforcing
your defenses.

i tried to shine light
and warmth on you,
only to find you
recede further
into the darkness.

i tried planting flowers
along your borders,
only to find them
tore up and in disarray.

i tried to
give you wide, open space
only to
feel myself
retreat to a
smaller and
more protected
circle.

there is nothing
to do,
but attempt
to repair myself,

except the wounds
you inflict
are not acute,
but for the moment
of separation
and despair.

your wounds are chronic.
they must be controlled,
but cannot be cured.

i love you,
but in this,
you are wrong.

i love you,
but you should
lean into me,
not push me
away.

this dope ***
bright red yellow pink sun
in the rearview.
an energy, without doubt.
while she sings
"don't hurt yourself"
and i decide
i will try harder
not to,
and that i only want
the imaginary brand new
futuristic race car
if i can have it
with complete abandon -
sure in the knowledge
that it could be crumpled
and imperfect in minutes -
a loss a loss a loss.

i would only want it
if i could truly accept its destruction
the cryptic length of
enjoyment without worry.
then i could
race that machine
be that machine
love that m a c h i n e

hey you
you   the only
one like you hey
you with all
the things
you hey  you
without
all the things
you hey you
there is only one
like you hey
you i already
found you
hey
you.

and other tales
from 2022