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amanda cooper Nov 2019
taking antidepressants is like
taking a blind shot in the dark
and hoping it'll fix everything

waiting six weeks to find out if
the want to take the entire bottle
will go away or if i'll lose control

they said it would help but so far
i mostly feel like a light has gone
out in my eyes and in my head

one week in and i've doubled the
dose in desperation because i
need this to work, i need it

since i took that first pill i've
lost the will to speak to anyone
about much of anything at all

i'm running out of patience and
i'm running out of hope and i'm
left desperately holding on
it is what it is
11/03/2019
amanda cooper Oct 2019
it's been a year since i lost you






i still love you
10/14/2019
  Oct 2019 amanda cooper
rk
there was no escape
your soul bewitched mine
the instant our eyes met
on velvet nights
our bodies bled into one,
moonlight kissing flesh
a love so full of fire
the stars themselves
faced inwards to watch
our nightly worship.
amanda cooper Oct 2019
do you remember getting drunk on the shore of lake baryessa?
the way we drank three bottles of wine and
waxed poetic about the meaning of life before we
took turns ******* on the rocks and laughing until we cried
how you carried me, piggy back style, through the mud
because i'm the ******* that wore heels and ended up hiking
and how much my head was spinning as we screamed the words
to songs from ten years ago as you took those curves a little too fast

do you remember when you got off your flight?
**** drunk with a present just for me,
an airplane bottle of ***** that i drank a little too fast
as he threw cherry bombs at passing cars and you told us about
the ******* staining the remaining dollar bills in your wallet
and the way you hadn't slept or ate in days until you
came to my home and i gave you just what you needed
and you finally got the rest you deserve

do you remember the conversation we had?
sitting on the trunk of my car in my work's parking lot and
how you convinced him to come back home
when both of our heads were spiraling too much to
process the emotions coursing through our veins
barely more than a child yourself but
somehow bearing more wisdom
than the whole lot of us put together


do you remember?
i do
wouldn't have survived without you
10/04/2019
amanda cooper Oct 2019
everything is dark
suddenly my eyes are open and
i'm stumbling in the bathroom
listening to the girls next door
giggle as they powder their noses
and i pull the pill out of my bag
taste the bitterness on my tongue

everything is dark
i've managed to walk fifteen feet
my hands are trailing down the wall
giggling as i try to stay upright but
i'm scared and alone and just trying to find
my way back to the room and to the
people who don't care where i am

everything is dark
and then i see her face and i feel
her arms around my shoulders and i
feel her forehead against mine
the music is impossibly loud and
there are smiles on our faces as
we drift there together endlessly

everything is dark
i'm sitting on some curb that smells
like **** and garbage and regret
and i'm just another piece of trash
left littered on the sidewalk
they're asking me who i am and how
i'm getting home and all i can say is

i'm just trying, just trying to...
just a blackout story from older days.
10/02/2019.
inspired by:
"forever" - labrinth
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