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amanda cooper Dec 2023
your mouth tries to form the words that
your brain wants to say but your tongue
is weary and your lungs are just so futile,
working hard to overcome this but
you're exhausted and ready for sleep

cardiac arrest, and they're begging god to take you,
instead of asking you to stay

but you never wanted our pity,
and you never wanted our tears
you just wanted us to pray,
you wanted us to come to jesus
and ask to sit by his hand
but i still flinch whenever i see his palms
i can't stand the sight of blood
i'm afraid of the ocean,
and i'm afraid of the flood

i'd measured out the morphine,
once every other day,
then once a day,
then twice a day
and then every six hours then every four hours then every hour-
and then when you couldn't swallow anymore
we tucked it into your cheek, hoping that
you'd forgive us when we tried to ease your suffering,
and again when you heard our whispered prayers
begging god to take you, instead of asking you to stay
10/26/2023
amanda cooper Nov 2022
.
watching someone die
has a way of changing you
into someone new
11/28/2022
amanda cooper Aug 2022
there are crumbs scattered through the forest
are you calling out to me?
if i taste you, will you still be sweet?
buttercup fields begging to tell me
if you love me or love me not
but i'm tongue tied and choking on the apology
too afraid to pluck your petals in the search for truth
i'm sorry that i'm disappointing
08/02/2022

back in the day, pete wentz of fall out boy would write poetry on secret and not so secret journals across the internet
he was always my biggest inspiration
one day i found some of the old things he had to say
the inspiration for this one came from him:

but i keep the warmest memories close to my heart even when im at payphones and want to cut my insides out,, dry them up and mail them to her. "im sorry" doesnt matter anymore. the words have no meaning. im sorry i cut the strings and ran away. now when i come to look for her i dont know where to begin.
amanda cooper Dec 2021
you were confused by the difference
between ****** and heroine
but you loved to do them both,
hoping that one of them would
finally take you away
i really tried to save you, but i failed at playing god

december 17, 2021
inspired by "929" by halsey:
"lost the love of my life to an ivory powder, but then i realize that i'm no higher power. that i wasn't in love then, and i'm still not now, and i'm so happy i figured that out."
amanda cooper Nov 2021
you know, it's funny; tonight i was driving back to an empty apartment and one of your songs for me came through the speakers a bit too loud, just the way you liked it. the one about the girl who fled virginia for the west coast and the desperation to keep her close, mentioning the kempsville back roads and the boardwalk that we used to drive around ourselves. you said it was going to happen, i was going to leave virginia and you with it and flee to the pacific. and it's funny; you were right. i did exactly that, no matter how many times i tried to laugh at your vision of my future. you were always right.

and what's even more funny: you live further west than i ever have, surrounded by the mountains i am desperate to see, and i'll be returning to that commonwealth i was desperate to get away from. and it's almost a poetic justice. that i'm going back and you're the one half a world away. but this time, i won't be climbing through the windows of houses on indian river road anymore, or packing bongs in the snow in a greenbrier backyard, or watching the curls that would spill over that gentle curve of your lip in that house off of lynnhaven where we first met. no, i'll get to see the gentle curves of the east coast mountains, perhaps softer than yours ever were. i'll watch cherry blossoms fall soft and sweet, better than the way i fell for you. and you'll be in some spotlight in anchorage, making her laugh harder than i ever did. and that's okay with me.
full title: you were the one all moonshine and drawl, but i get appalachia and you get alaska.

i still have the notebook you gave me when you told me to never stop writing. signed, your babygirl.
well here i am, writing to you, my most special muse. i hope you're happy out there; i really do.

inspired by "california gold rush" by audiostrobelight and the poetic prose i used to write.
11/11/2021. (make a wish.)
amanda cooper Oct 2021
i used to see signs of your
indiscretions and always read
them as directions of where i
should run, and it always said
that i should run away from you

i learned the taste of blood from
the way that i would bite my
tongue to stop from speaking my mind,
and it always tasted like metal
giving way and folding under pressure
09/24/2021
amanda cooper Oct 2021
i am your favorite little **** up
your favorite mess to clean up
the dirt you sweep under your rug
09/26/2021.
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