I sometimes speak
words I don't comprehend,
throw the names
into the wind as
tears
make their way
into my eyes

I remind myself
of the phrases
I keep holding on to

and the fears
start creeping in
I swallow them
with my saliva
only after then,
in my intestines,
they'd be reabsorbed
into my blood

they travel
through my arteries
and veins
and settle in my brain
control my heartbeat
and my nervous system
and I shiver
with self-doubt

On days
I want to stay in
I don't wash my hair
I never mind
how I look like
because I love my soul
and I love my body
and I love my face

But tell me why
I wash my hair when
I go out
tell me why,
when I do that,
my body screams
in uncertainty,
demanding to know
what my
plan
is

I don't have a plan
on most days,
I wallow in self-pity
and sleep amongst regrets
and I wake up happy

they tell me to never sleep
when I'm sad
but it soothes my soul

I want to be loved
but I assure you
I will reject love
when it comes
knocking in my door

I will recognize love
through the peep hole
put my fingers in my ears
and go to the other room
and when love
calls me
my body will shiver
because I don't know
what to do

I'm not used to love
I'm not used to being given attention
and wanting it is not the same
as seeking it

And wanting it,
never harmed anyone

Contradicting myself
is my biggest talent
and I sometimes
wonder
if I have ten brains
fused into one

Vulnerability
is my greatest treasure
and it will one day
eat me alive

I promise you,
I will learn from my mistakes


Being aware of the effect
is not the same
as causing it

and on days like this,
I blame my hormones,
I blame things I cannot control

so that I allow myself
moments
of weakness

I want her to rise up again
like when she lifted her blue
skirt looking at how brown
I am taking off my shirt
and there are somethings
you learn if you were born
on a farm where I watched
her shadow in the middle
of the night overlooking mine
in the dark where we hid
from the light listening
to the wind, that sad poet
of the unknown pulling back
the dead eyes of those singing
sweet songs in the long night.

The night often comes with a disguise
One at times that's hard to recognize

From the face of a hapless child
To a young man just this side of wild

Or a wife not sure where her husband is
The night though can go much deeper than this

It can also be the elderly alone
Or a lost love with no one home

The nights disguise could be a suicidal teen
Who will try to take life out by any ways or means

The night at times could use a friend
One to gently talk it off the ledge

The night also dresses as a man estranged
From a family that no longer speaks his name

Or a mother who decided that the drugs
Were far more satisfying than a family's love

If you look hard enough you're bound to find
That the night often comes with a disguise

The way the late afternoon light bleeds into the room
through the window
spilling onto the furniture, the thread-bare floor

The shadows of passers by slip in
the space between the door and the ground
their movement swift, silent

The heaviness of limbs and emptiness of head
in sickness and in lack of sleep
the shifting of weight, season