If you don't like my cold heart
& distant soul

Maybe you shouldn't have ******* left me then came back

It won't ever make sense
Why broken people
Try to fix broken people
But end up breaking them even more

I think the hardest part
Was being awakened in the early morning hours
By dreams of you walking away

And with tears in my eyes
Reaching to the right of my bed

And your body being absent

What if I mess it up and you realise I'm not
"the one".

What if I break your heart and grind the fragments into a million tiny pieces?

What if I say goodbye only to realise that the word I was looking for was
"Stay".

What if you can't handle the pressure of being with someone so beautifully insane?

What if our differences tear us apart and we end a potential lifetime of laughter with
"Sorry".

What if every "what if" I have in my head destroys us before we even begun?

they're saying "all you do is drink and cry", "I think you're bad for everyone" and you're not saying anything and I'm saying I love you,
I ******* love you
And maybe I needed something to bring me back to reality maybe these bathtubs are always a little too deep for me but I fit so perfectly in small spaces because I learned when I was 14 that i was never gonna grow into a butterfly
but my aunt still calls me hers and I'd still flutter my eyelashes on yours while the earth turned to ash because I like things ending so softly
and you are a ******* miracle if I've ever seen one I want to sleep with you so badly, on a trampoline in the summer and I want to watch you do bad things and smile so sweetly at you and you'll know that I don't give a **** what you do as long as you're still loving me while you're doing it because baby we've got this one life and I've been loving you as long as I have known what love is and I know it's in the way you whisper and I know it's in the way you say you're my world and if the world stopped turning tomorrow we'd be the only things still moving with excitement you make me so nervous and calm and nervous and calm and deep breath you make me nervous I bet you'll make me nervous when we're older and I'm making you pancakes and I feel your eyes on me and I burn my fingers but you always kiss them better baby
you're an alleyway and the kitten that sleeps there
you're the rain on the windowpane and the water breaking the levee
I'm drowning in everything I have ever said to you so if I say one last thing one last thing,
while you're not saying anything,
I love you,
I ******* love you

Midnight again
Exasperated sigh from the insomnia
I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
Thoughts of you flooding my mind again
What can I write that I haven't already said
How many different ways can I express my desire for you and the heartache from not having you
Well not having you to myself
I guess the exhausted question is, is it better to have a piece of you or would it be better to just wash my hands of this completely?
I'm alone
And you're never alone
When we're together, I can force myself to forget that there's someone else
I force myself to stay in that moment of just you and me
And the feelings I get are so euphoric
I feel so happy
And I begin to fantasize that it could be this way forever
How insanely ridiculous to set myself up that way
Cause you leave, and the torment starts all over again
I miss you as if I haven't seen you in months
And I kick myself because this is all my fault
If I had just walked away all the times I told myself I should
After all the times I'd say I was done
But I just can't
My life doesn't feel right without you in it
Maybe it's the excitement of the chase
Or the overwhelming loneliness I feel and fear in general
I wonder if I gave you an ultimatum
If I made you choose life with me and just me
Or life without me at all
If you'd realize you fear life without me too
Or if you'd walk away with no hesitation at all
Every time I try to ask
My mouth goes dry
I can barely swallow the lump in my throat
It's like I can't breathe
So I save it for another day
And another
And then another
And despite my procrastination
Daylight has begun to creep through the night sky
It's another day
Another chance for resolution, no matter how bitter
But if I never find the backbone to ask you...
Will I ever find the strength to leave you.....

You did this
Don't dare place blame on me.
You trapped me in this sorry excuse for a home.
These are four walls I never leave.
This is not a home, this is a ******* prison cell to me.
You don't care so don't tell me.
"It's not that bad, your always so sad"
I'll tell you how dead I feel to get nowhere. But now I've made you mad.
I keep faking feeling alive just for the sake of you.
I'm not living my life because I was busy loving you.
But now it's too much and for you it's not enough.
I put you first in line for a ride of a lifetime.
I can't give what I don't have so don't ask for my heart.

It's like clockwork, the angst finds me every day.
I try so hard to explain but you never understand me.
I don't want to live
I can't pretend I have more to give.
I'm not saying that this is it
But I can't think of a reason to dust myself off and finally just live.
Let live. But I gave in. I'm no man. Can't live and love when I can barely even stand.
Don't say I make you happy when I know your smile is pretend.

I don't owe anyone an explanation,
I don't owe you a thing.
If something little bothers you so much.
I'll pack my bags and leave.
I won't give you that "it's not you, it's me" because honestly. Honestly I don't need anyone. Don't rely on anyone except me.

How could this be?
A love like ours is fleeting but being alone wouldn't bother me.
No one could ever understand or see.
We might be in love but that doesn't mean we are meant to be.

You can talk your **** baby.
I don't care lately.
Just keep saying you trust me but it seems fake lately.
Keep your opinions.
You don't make me. Me.

I can imagine waking up next to an empty spot in my bed where the pillow is stained with your scent
Where the sheets are coming off  
And the blanket alone just doesn't seem to keep me warm anymore

A carpet that is pink where clumps of mud from your work boots have been crushed into it
And where your wardrobe used to be scattered

The boxes with your things
Now empty
The stand with your tv and games
Gone
Empty packs of cigarettes and jack bottles where the last stain of your lips remain will be the only thing left of you

The pictures
no more than memories

Memories fade

Just like I imagine we will