i used to think
i had a native tongue

that i'd have to study,
put in the work,
to speak another

but somehow with you
i am fluent in them all

i want to breathe love into you
in all its forms

What do I want?

It wasn’t working with you
It couldn’t work with him
It’s not working with who it should

Maybe for now
I’ve just got to make it work
with me

I still want you to know my details
And I want to know yours

God, how are we going to do this?

Amidst all the chaos
In my mind

There’s one phrase
I keep coming back to

“I’m so lucky
To have loved you”

you are so warm
it pours out of you —
your hands, your eyes, your lips

you thaw out
the parts of me
that are frigid

you said,
"I feel very
observed"

perhaps because
you're an unsolvable mystery
a dazzling wonder to behold

I can't help but analyze
every angle
every clue

you're captivating

just please don't scurry away
from the eye of my scrutiny

do you ever feel alone
in a crowded room?

me too

is this ache
old and familiar,
displaced?

or is this
a fresh wound,
scarlet red and alive?

mysteries intricately laced within

layers
blanket me
and pulsing heartbeats
resonate in rhythm with my soul

i can hear the sound of my keyboard tapping
or pencil upon paper
or the wind rustling leaves on trees
but i can hear music.

it washes over me
creeps into my crevices
seeps into my skin
and infuses my heart

i can't help but feel

my heart
either
weeps or
laughs or
smiles
along with
the rhythm

my body slips into movement
i have no control
the music has a hold over me

i learned that sound waves carry energy and information

isn't that the truth.

I always feel torn-
Sometimes I get these glimpses
Of something complex,
And real,
And intense,
And hard to understand.
I can see it for a moment

And I can see it through words.
Have you ever read a book that made you feel…
Awe?
It made you feel like you saw something new,
Like you were shown something amazing,
Like everything has changed.

And I can see it through art.
Have you ever heard or seen something,
That literally took your breath away
Or brought you to tears?
It made you think,
It made you understand that great perhaps
At least for a moment.

And I can see it through other people.
Have you ever been doing something,
Then felt overcome by love?
Or grief?
Or happiness?
People contain this complex reality.
People are this complex reality.

But like sand in my fingertips,
It falls away as soon as I get a hold on it.
I can’t hold onto it for too long.
Distractions are everywhere
And we are living on the surface.
But there is more.
I have seen it, and I know it is there.
How do I put this?
As a great writer once said,
“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”
How can I say something I do not understand?
I’ll keep trying.

in this city
where the building dwarf me
and a melee of sounds and smells pelt me
and i have to shuffle quickly to avoid the people darting towards me

i have never felt more alive

it's no secret now
that demons dance inside me

usually they're quiet
but sometimes they get too loud

you've come too close
for me to hide

i am so ashamed
so scared

i don't love these parts of me
so how could you?

you, with an easy smile
lounging back on my white pillows
hair tousled
a laugh in your eyes

I remember
Our first valetine’s day

We weren’t quite together yet
But we split an ice cream

You wore a denim button-up
And maroon pants

You looked good

You were telling some story
I don’t even remember about what

But I remember thinking to myself
“I could listen to this boy talk forever”

Now I don’t know if I’ll get the chance
And thinking about that makes it hard to breathe

But what I do know for certain
Is you were my first love
You are forever my first love
And I will always love you

When times are tough,
and waves of hurt come crashing on my shores,
the simplest things become my friends
and they mean everything

A song
humming out words of comfort
the tune, rocking me like a cradle

A story
with characters who I love
battling for justice, and goodness, and light

A prayer
speaking of peace
feels like a hand holding mine

They are with me
We are all together

These sources of love,
God, I could not be more grateful for them.

you are my home.
you are my safe place.
no matter where the winds take me
i know i may always fly back to you
and your warm embrace
reaches all the way
to touch my heart

This week I felt
the cool rush of air whipping past me
as I skated around the rink in Bryant Park
Hand in hand with my week-long somebody

I felt the sunshine pouring in through my window
then making me squint when I walked outside
warming up the cold air and waking up my sleepy eyes
illuminating the in-a-hurry 7:45am Upper East Siders

I peered into countless little worlds
on the street, in the airport, through windowpanes
each with its own sounds and smells
each so full of life

I heard a new song on the bus
I shared a drink with an old friend
I shared a kiss with a new one
I bustled
I paused
I lived.

I am going to be okay

this love transcends time
when I look into your eyes
I see our future

I will always fill the pantry
with your favorite snacks to eat

I will always rub your back
when you need help going to sleep

I will always take your call
and hold space for what you need

I will always do my best
to love you, unconditionally

i don't write haikus
but i love their simplicity

i messed it up

last time was a shallower love
one made up of saccharine treats
that made me feel momentarily full, high
but ultimately left me empty

this time will be a deeper love
a satiating one, a nourishing one
those sweet bits and bobs are there, of course,
but this time they are the dessert
rather than the main event

I like to look into your eyes
to see your heart and let you see mine

I like it when you squeeze my hand
it makes me smile and understand

That I love you and you love me
and together's where I want to be

sometimes when
it's just the two of us

lazing about
tangled up

basking in the warmth
of each other's touch

it feels like we enter
another dimension

where time suspends
and gravity lifts

it's a little addicting,
isn't it?

you're like a song i can't get out of my head
but i must admit
i sure do like to sing along

When you kiss my nose
softly
then look in my eyes

I think that nothing the world
could possibly taste
as sweet
as this feels

invisible
wrong
annoying
not enough

voices in my head
are shouting at each other

it's too loud, too fast
i want it to stop

it hurts the most coming from you
please
just see me

I find myself
reflexively
looking for reasons
to evade situations that might cause pain

I'm always alert,
stockpiling excuses
like armor
for a rainy day

I guess those old lessons
have seeped into my bones

I want to yell into my marrow
"you don't need those anymore!"

When I heard another boy whistle
the tune you sang softly in my ear
as we watched Beauty and the Beast ,

When I walked by a pet store
just like the one we like to go to
full of new friends I know you would adore,

When I saw a navy blue cruise
sailing along Le Rhône
just like the one you will go on soon,

I missed you.

It's not all bad
These things made me think of you
and thoughts of you make me so happy

They're just mixed
with a bit of melancholy these days

Because it's been a while since I've seen you
and it will be a while until I do again

But at the very least
I know that I love you
and that you love me
and when we're together again
I'll tell you all about these things
that made me think of you

I can't wait

I’m sitting here in a park
The park we went to before we said goodbye, actually

It’s the first Saturday since you were mine
And it’s the first time I’ve paused for long enough to catch a breath

It’s a little hard to catch
To be honest

We talked on the phone earlier
It was good to hear from you
But it was hard to connect
(I guess that’s why we ended up here in the first place)

God, I just want to feel close to you
And I can’t right now
I can’t
And that makes my head spin

But I’ll breathe through it

The world is carrying on around me
Kids are playing
Dogs are exploring
Boats are passing
And I keep on breathing

I’m going to make it through this
I’ll carry on soon

listening to music
helps me remember who i am

I wish I could put
all of these blessed moments
in a bottle

something to tap into
when I need to find a sense
of warmth, of love

it'd help me keep from
endlessly turning them over
in my mind

but they're so **** beautiful
they deserve to be noticed,
don't they?

the typical flitting about of my mind
comes to a rest when I am with you

it's magic

I am more than what you see me as
I am more than the box you put me in
I am more than naive beliefs, happy days, and second chances

Do not look down on me.

I am a warrior
I have been beaten down
(More than you know)
And I've learned how to stand back up

My armor is made of compassion
and forgiveness
and love

It's what makes me strong

I find myself often wondering
how did you come to be?

you are simply
miraculous

I’d rather feel this pain
That makes it so hard to say goodbye

Than to not have you
To say goodbye to

the moon and I both
go through phases

my light wanes and waxes
just like hers does

when my light is full,
boy,
I'm giddy with how much I love you

but when my light is small,
I'm so cold,
enveloped by the shadows

I'm sorry for my cold spells
I hope you know
those phases have nothing to do with you

but just like the moon has the sun
I have you

your light illuminates the world
which illuminates me

you light me up

images of last night keep turning over in my mind

you said
"i need you"

you can read my mind
without me saying a word

you are
miraculous

please
please
please

let this work out

Why are we all so sad?
Smiles used to grace our faces
as easily as we breathe air

but now it seems as though even that is hard.

Everyone is...
broken.

This world wears you down
the darkness blankets us
it creeps in
dimming our light

Smiles are rare stars

Admire their beauty

Try
Try
Try
To add to the night sky
With a smile of your own

We can form a constellation.

A tiny ounce of poison
dropped into a clear pool
A nasty, cold black
tainted a pure, bright blue

At first the drop stayed small
a speck that was barely there,
But with time the darkness grew
until poison was everywhere

The poison made me foggy
heavy and confused-
Are these thoughts I'm having really me
or are they really you?

But while the poison made a show
of having won the war
Little did it know
what a fight it had in store

For though my pool that was once blue
has turned completely black
I'm surrounded by other pools
bright, and poised for attack

They'll rain their light down onto me
they'll dump, oh, they'll pour
Until my darkened, poisoned pool
clears up more and more

For in the end, how could one think
or be tricked to believe
That a single, foul, pesky drop
could beat a tsunami?

rules about what I can say
and what I cannot
are burying me alive

I can't breathe

My mind is like a film
screening our best moments-
the way you whispered in my ear as we danced
the way my heart leapt when you asked me to see a movie
the way you kissed my forehead, my head resting on your chest.

Throughout the day
thoughts of you
bubble up

and they make me smile,
and sing,
and feel like I could float off into the air

Our movie is brief right now,
but boy do I hope this is just the beginning.

It is hard to believe
Just how beautiful
Life can be

I can't help but notice
that we haven't exchanged
those three particular words yet

If we were just friends,
I would have said them by now
because I do love you

But if we were more,
not quite.

They would be reserved
just a while longer
because they'd mean something more special

have you also bit your tongue
for a reason?

i want to slow down
and feel my mind settle
until it comes to a stop
to rest in the now

but how?

It feels like
A wave is building up in my heart
And crashing down
Through my tears

i've spent three years pining for your love
and now i suppose it's time for me
to pine for mine

I walk down the dark sidewalk
Passing through the glow of street lamps
Which show me the first drops of rain
Before I can even feel them

I'm wearing suede shoes
That aren't meant for the rain

And I cannot call home
Because I'm not meant to be out so late

So I put in my earbuds
And turn on a love song
Far too cheerful for this time of night

I watch my rain-splattered suede shoes
Step one in front of the other
Along with the gleeful beat

On a sidewalk speckled with raindrops
Like the night sky speckled with stars

And I smell the dark air
Full of spring and the scent of wet pavement

And I think to myself,
This is where I'm meant to be

(Along with your arms,
which I just begrudgingly left,
bidding a hopeful,
"see you soon")

my throat constricts
my stomach shrinks and turns
my shoulders curl, tense
my fingers compulsively claw
at the skin around my nails

the thought of you
feeling how you feel for me
for somebody else
makes
me want
to
crawl
out
of
my
body

"How has it changed?"
they ask

how has it changed?
well,

like how dawn turns to day,
in a thousand sparkling ways

you have become
a vessel for my thoughts

an us has been born
that we both simply adore

a thread of security and importance
ties together all that we do

please let this not
be too good to be true

this is new
the ears have been noticed

take me back
to rose colored glasses

I know what comes next
and I'm terrified