Have you ever questioned your attachment to the unattainable?

Why do we always want what we cannot have?

Desire those who do not requite?

So many bodies of water and I chose the one that travelled at altitudes above my reach.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

After all you always altered as the seasons did.

And a girl who has live through the seasons, surely knows that they never last.
Must melt into the other no matter how stubborn the wind.

But I never saw this one coming.
Maybe I did, maybe I ignored the chinooks
Let them slip past my peripheral.

Turned away from the horizon, compelling myself to let the sound of the raindrops ease my paranoia...

If I could, I would go back to before the water started falling.
I would accept the cold.
No: I love you.
No: It’s going to be okay.
No: Trust me.

Still the rain came.

You covered the erratic land of my mind,
There was a bit of you in every part of me.
A touch here,
Another there.

Water seeped through fences,
Saturated the soil, lending temporary anticipation to the life hidden there.

You did not care that you saw the approach of the sun before I,
For you, it was easier to let me believe in a happy ending.
You continued to fall;
All the while your love was sinking into the storm drain that is your indecision.

I asked you about the sun,
And you laughed
Fell softly in reassurance.
Knew I was foolish enough to believe that the rain would stay.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

After all, the sun had always commanded your path

And a girl who has experienced the drought before surely knows to avoid direct exposure.

But feet tire from travel, weaken from weight of empty palms, that used to be filled of untroubled optimism.

I could not follow the nimbus anymore

I asked for a goodbye,
But it was just gone.

I saw the sun as it rose.
Felt its blistering heat.
Sensed the water fade as it moved from the east to the west.

Taking everything that I was promised I could keep.

Life shriveled, parched and hopeless. Searching for the source that gave it it's name.

I guess I should have realized your capacity for deception
When I told you spring was my favourite season,
And I saw the umbrella in your hand.

Put me on your assembly-line.
Manufacture me limb by limb.
Make me transparent to all of the pain I used to know,
love me like the back-beat to your favorite songs,

      let your passion move me,
and I will
do the
same.

Sometimes I believe that I am crazy.
Not crazy in love, or crazy smart.
But downright, medication provoking insanity.

Questioning myself, back and forth.
There are two of me.
She smiles and does what she is told.
I break out of my close entrapment and let her see the real world.

The world that has no answers,
the world that has such strict boundaries on what is "normal."
What is normal?

They say that I can still be like them.
They say that medication will take me away,
and leave her by herself.
She is the real crazy one: the complacent conformist.

And so she smiles and keeps our mouth closed.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

After all you always altered as the seasons did.

If I could, I would go back to before the water started falling.
I would accept the cold.
No: I love you.
No: It’s going to be okay.
No: Trust me.

Still the rain came.

You covered the erratic land of my mind,
There was a bit of you in every part of me.
A touch here,
Another there.

Until there was nothing left.

You did not care that you saw the approach of the sun before I,
For you, it was easier to let me believe in a happy ending.
You continued to fall;
All the while your love was sinking into the storm drain that is your indecision.

I asked you about the sun,
And you laughed
Fell softly in reassurance.
Knew I was foolish enough to believe that the rain would stay.

It was the rain that told me the change was coming.

I asked for a goodbye,
But it was just gone.

I saw the sun as it rose.
Felt its blistering heat.
Sensed the water fade as it moved from the east to the west.

Taking everything that I was promised I could keep.

I guess I should have realized your capacity for deception
When I told you spring was my favourite season,
And I saw the umbrella in your hand.

Brush it off
Let it fall
Forget the past
But maybe not all
Reminisce
About the days
When things used to work
In my way
In my favor
In this moment
I am my
Only opponent
Ruining my self
My mental health
Only my fault
No one else
Why do I
Tend to overthink
I’m going too far
On the brink
I’ve been through much
Seen too much
Pushing forward
With no luck
Time to let it
Be, and set it
Free, So I can
See. And so I’ll
Take a breath
Let it all go
Relieve the stress
And watch it fall slow.

I have lost all hope.
Maybe I've been expecting a little too much from people.
I tend to do that sometimes.

I am learning how to take care of myself, but I've never been the type of girl who could handle everything.

Sometimes I pretend that I am her. A girl who writes inspiration and sees open doors.
People want to hear what she has to say.
She is important.

She has seen excitement and avoided heartbreak.
She has not been let go by people she cared for.
She is strong and does not cry over spilt milk or lost trust.

She is not me.

Sometimes I forget that I've lost hope. So to remind myself I get close to people. Let them paint murals of friendship on the acidic walls of my love only to have them wash away when the storm hits.

I do not agree with the quote about the past.
My past has defined all that I am.
It has shaped me and turned me into the person I am today.
Though difficult to say sometimes I'm not sure it's the person I want to see when I look in the mirror.

Sometimes I'm thankful for my forgetful mind.
Even when ties are severed they leave behind structures made of stories and memories—
Canvases to be painted on by the new people to come.

It's only in these times, when I see the ends ending and the beginnings beginning, that I realize I am the same girl I've always been.

I am not that girl,
My cuts and bruises are what make me who I am
Their healing process has marked the strength I have fought to build
But sometimes I wish that I was that girl
The girl who someone wants to love
The girl who’s someone loves them enough to allow them to stop taking care of themselves and takes care of them instead
I’m so tired of being strong
I’m so tired of being told I am weak because of my desires
I just want to reach the next part of my life
Where I realize that all the hurt was worth it
To get to a point of peace
I just want to be
Take away all the baggage
Just let me be.