Are you alive? Or just breathing?
To judge whether I'm alive or just simply breathing is significant.
For seasons I've been heaving through corrupt lungs,
trying to find the little piece that will save me.
I've been breathing for as long as I can remember.
Maybe this drowning will subside and I can finally be alive.
Months have made me more alive.
Each day living and feeling everything. Alive feels so free and up lifting.

But here I am again.
Questioning in this very moment whether I'm alive or just breathing. And I think at this point I'm just trying to make my chest rise through the night.
It feels so good to be alive.
I just want to get back to the me that never had to remind myself to breathe.

I want it to be an automatic and harmonious inhale of life.

-a.

It's like hearing the ticking of a time bomb
But not able to find where it’s coming from  
Until you put your hand to your chest
And then you realize
That the bomb is your heart
And the tick, ticking
Is
Its
Beat.

You




















































Me

Staring at death right in face.
I never would have imagined what it feels like to loose everything.
I never thought I would know what empty space felt like.
I never thought it would end up being me.
The girl with everything figured out now has dark thoughts. Is always haunted by thoughts and feeling nothing.
I never thought I wouldn't be able to breathe, but it feels as if life is suffocating me.

So I drink. I drink to fill the void. But it never seems to leave me alone.

There's no one to turn to except the monsters in my head. Burning every bridge. So I stand on the opposite side and watch them go up in flames.
I stand there in hopes that maybe someone will hear my cries.

But if a depressed girl screams and everyone is around to hear it,
Did she really scream at all?

-a.

I struggle to breathe when I think about my actions.
I struggle to feel what my heart wants to feel.
I plot my own demise and think how best to word it.
Because sometimes my only gift seems to be my absence.

I give by taking away.
And it cuts me.

They wouldn't really mind - not for long anyway.
It's all just a mist, right? A vapour?
But I've got to get up every morning - regardless of my desires - because I'm still too scared to let go.
And if my gift is Absence, then I pray it happens quickly.