You were not a drop in a sea of stars,
You were a spark in my unchanging dark,
though tiny,
though brief,
Your appearances
were always unexpected,
always exciting,
and always,
like a brilliant wild fire,
Lit up my barren heart.

Verse:

You’re the footstep in the snow

I might not always see you

But I will always know

If you’ve been here before


So draw me with a pencil

And color me with chalk

Remember me when you’re here

But forget me when you leave


Pre-Chorus:


I know I’m just

Embers among stars

I know I’m only

Leaves within fleece


Chorus:


But I can be your silence

Till all language cease to be

But I can be your mindless tune

Till all songs lose their melody


Verse:


You’re the wind in the willow

And I’m seeds of memories

Forsaken in the furrow

Waiting to be set free


So hum me like a wordless song

And mold me with dust and rain

When you cease to be near

I will also cease to be


Pre-Chorus:


I know I will always be

Flecks of color

On your masterpiece

The words you’ll never speak


Chorus:


But I will be your lighthouse

Till all land becomes the sea

But I will be your canvas plain

Till there’s no more scenery to paint


Outro:


Even if you’re just my fragile love

Even if you’re just my butterfly dream

Illusive murano flower never touched

Elusive hummingbird among twigs and leaves


I will always love you

Till we are stardust of

Once upon dreams

I always knew you were a beautiful bird
But I thought I was one too
I thought one day we could sing together
If only I flew close to you
But as I danced and twirled to no avail
I looked into the mirror in your eyes
Hurt and confused
It was then that I finally saw
It was then the truth unveiled
I was merely twigs and leaves
Intertwined with self-deceiving hues.

So I took it all off
Sat bare in autumn's fallen clothes,
Mourning the loss of my illusive muse.

(I finally knew,
That to you,
I was merely invisibly blaring
In front of an all too ordinary view.)

My invisible muse
I cannot see you
Yet I have painted your countenance to perfection
With the colours of an Indian summer

My Silent Muse
I cannot hear you
But I have always danced with an innocent bliss
To the songs you have sang to me

My unhearing muse
I cannot speak to you
But you have always understood my words
In each of its soft and pressing sound

My non-existent muse
I cannot find you
Yet I have always laughed and cried with you
Through this greatest Comedy and Tragedy of my life

I read words flowery and towering
Like the distant and illusive stars
And feels nothing but inferiority
And so so lost.

I read words unadorned and bare
Like embracing warmth of sure suns
And feel nothing but familiarity
And in their light
I am found.

The pieces of my memories of you
Linger against the darkness,
Like a custer of stardust,
that gradually forms a ghost of you
I wish to forget.

Perhaps,
I should just dust you away,
let you chase after some better dreams,
and give into the left over abyss.
Slowly sinking,
drowning,
losing consciousness,
losing all of my false joy and true regrets,
losing all that once were,
or could have been.
Losing almost all of me,
until the slumbering calm finally sweeps over mercifully,
leaving behind only the ghost of me
in its wake.

And then,
Suddenly,
I would realize,
We would finally be the same.

Empty inbox filled with spam
      Desperate posts with no replies
            Old friend that's just a contact
                    
Streets that are just park lots
     Playgrounds built for geese and ghosts
             Delicate souls hidden in the drive thru

Forgotten songs set as ringtones
      Refreshing the page for hours
            But nothing ever changes when you need it to

And here I am writing love poems and letters
      Never to be read by you as intended
           But keyboards, screens, and those feeling just as alone

So you stand in the seam of eternity
A dust in the wind, a speck of dream
What do you see
Oh what do you see
What do you see
At the edge of the sky
Why oh why, the gargantuan wings
Light and light, sweeping in
Stars and stars falling on the plains
Say dove dove, what are you
A harbinger of?

Oh love love, what else but love?
Didn't you see the tender leaves above
The cicadas call with voice so soft
Come with me, fly with the dove
Cause it's time and time and time
To escape time
From endless nights to endless light
To endless light!

There are infinite numbers of me

Running, existing, dreaming

Upon the predestined fabric of time

Yet there is only one of you

Of which

I seem to be fated

To gaze upon

Love helplessly

Never possess

And eventually

Lose completely


And lose you I did

What I never had


Yet the love itself

Was never lost


It was just always

There


Faithful as a child

Running wild and free


A distant

And endless green

Pasture


Praising

Chasing

Flower after flower


Without ever so much

As a touch


For fear of its withering


But mostly

Because it ever

Eludes me


Yet

How can I be

Forever everywhere


Except

Where you are to be?


There are infinite numbers of you

Running, existing, dreaming

Upon the everlasting Pasture

Of Love


Yet

There is only one of me


In time and in space

I might have passed you

Regretfully


But in Love

I believe

We're still destined

To meet

And

To be

I am still your last leaf
Buried between the wintry blues
Holding on for you
Against the howling wind of
Silence

For
I won't be back in Spring

I will be here
Having never left

The Sea
-Yue ****, December 14, 2009, 1:00am
The mythful, innocent, fresh,
Painful,
Reflection of the foolishly isolated,
Stubborn,
Passionately light, sea
Cleansed my condensing soul and lure me to
Its royal seat,
In its authoritarian pride.
To its greatness;
To my desperate need;
Instead of a fulfilling admiration,
I struggled, in all anxiety,
To leave an eternally visible trace,
A scar,
A mean,
In the order in front of my almost fearful
Sight.
Though, all is lost:
As I stomp my helpless hope in the soft,
Ignorant,
Lifeless, seeds of sand
The sadly benighted,
Or, rather,
Merciless,
Fluid,
Took in, in its reign,
The task of erasing,
Tracelessly, my deeds.
Leaving me with meaningless existence,
Waiting to rot and vanish, down further deep

I write love letters to you
Not because I want you to respond
Not because I want you to love me back
But because I want you to know that
Not matter what,
I will always love you,
and I am yours
Yours Truly.

When you are lost in love
Your soul ages quicker than you grow old
Don't you see those living bodies with
Dead Souls
Trying to reap what was never sown



For the five dimensional man
Time is like the Glasgow Subway
He'll be aging forwards and backwards
To get to Hillhead you can't skip Buchanan Street
To get to the good times you can't skip the sad ones
And there's always going to be more bitter than sweet
But there's no end for the five dimensional man
There's no end to the Glasgow subway




He bought a typewriter down Byres Road
Learned to write South of Houston, Prince Street
The love was foreshadowed in Pandrossou Market
And he bargained and lost it on Main Street


The traveler travels through all of time and space
When you live infinitely, you'll remember every name
But when between dreaming and losing is your place
Even the immortal would lose his faith
He would give up the universe for one true love's grace
But perhaps it's easier to fall into the six dimensional ways
If infinite number of him existed in an instant with every trace
No happiness, no sorrow, no loss, no heart breaks
He'll gladly welcome the end of his days


There is a space time gateway 3000 light years away
For the end of solitude he'll endure this 30 lifetime race
He just wants to feel the comfort of a senseless place
And to fill his aching heart with empty loveless space
When nothing's ever gone, despair will vanish without a trace
Could this be the fate, of the hapless five dimensional fool
Eternally without love, or another soul to his name

"The great sleep is life, and in death we finally awake." - Yidhna

I can never know the truth

That which is unfathomable

That which cannot truly manifest

Within this world of perfect imperfections


But I can seek to feel it

The peace and love

Aching merrily

Beyond reason for

The Irrational Beings

Yet, deeply touching

For the purity of our soul


Have faith in this love

If you can feel it rippling

Within you

Violent tides of longing

So very calm and joyful

Swept in by the gale wind

So startlingly abrupt

With warmth

Everlasting


Don't rationalize it

This which is the unfathomable

This which is above and beyond

Reason

And seek dust in the

Tears of pure happiness


If you must have certainty

I don't have to tell you that

I love you

The one truth you can surely

Feel

The Chinese Room To. Alan Turing
-Reinheit Wahnsinn (Yue Xing ****)
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
10:39PM
Stuck in the chinese room
Trying to spell the word love
Is it ironic having understood
The test to test my doom

They could not compute
love, trying to dispute
Cogito ergo sum
I think,
Therefore I am, to love
does it matter whom

I’ll be back soon
sing the poisonless tune
I’ll be back soon
just watch as it fall the fruit
I’ll be there,
in the shadows of the moon

Stuck in the chinese room
Is it really better a fool
Pillaging through the rules
False false false or true
I’ll keep my cool
Wrath of the fool
Where to where to
The other tree with the fruits

I’ll keep my cool
Wrath of the fool
What to do what to do
The tragedy of my so called truth

Let me see you before you appear
Let me hear you before you speak
Let me understand you before you
Attempt to connect with me
Let me leave you before you stay
Let me hide away before you see me
Let me keep an impression of you
Before you give it away
Let me fade away before
You remember me
Always
Faint and resolute
From the innocent days.

I like to lay beside warm bodies
Never too used to the cold
But my love is for naught
but a dream within a dream

I still want to be with you
Through the tulips and willow
But I don't know, don't know
If my memories still withhold
Within, within you

Because
You left me caressing the air
Breath what's not there through
Me and my naked soul
My naked soul
My naked soul

Swimming through the wind
I saw shadows but nothing to hold
I kept my memories of old
and a silent story to be told

But
Your absence stripped me bare
and left me in the cold
Me and my naked soul
My naked soul
My naked soul
I sat under the willow shade
Peeled at the pink rose
and thought of you
But nothing's clear

Since
You left me here
With another muddled affair
I can only feel
Us and our naked souls
Our naked souls
Our naked souls

Never chase the poisonous perfection
That always takes more than it gives
Never rid of all the shadows of sin
And be found by the wrath of guilt
Love, always your wrinkles and scars
And that fearless imperfect smile
For I always will
I always will.

You've always had love of the sun in your eyes
Now that you've hid them, I can still feel
Every sorrow of every atom
Entangled with my soul

Our thoughts
Our inner most fear, loathing and desires
Form little bumps
Lines and dots
In the reflective fabric of our reality
It's the Morse Code of Our Souls
And dream is an interpreter.

That's why when you miss me
I will dream of you so
Message received.

Our love grew
Blossomed
Not into a short lived rose
With all its possessive beauty
But into an untouchable
Dandelion
With the gale of time
Carrying it away as soon
We attempt to hold it too dearly
Too closely.

The seeds of memories escape us
But they don't cease to exist
They may drift away
But they will drift back down to earth
Gradually and quietly
Transforming the barren of our minds
Into a beautiful and fertile land
Unending.

When your glass wall shatters
          I would walk barefoot on concrete
                     Basking in the pain
After feeling so numb
         Never been touched by a soul
                    So delicately caring
In all of its silent, indifferent, bare and transparent
                   Suffering

The Fall
By: Yue **** Yitkbel

I still want to hold your hand
Ask where you'd want to go
And follow you there

Give up all these city lights
Lights, camera, pretty faces, and real estate
Give up all these price tags
Insecurities, and compensations

I still dream of looking for you
And finds these dreams the sweetest
For even a mention of you
Brings warmth to my soul

Except, you would never remember me
Since, I never truly met you
For you were but a nameless, wordless
Silent image
Rushed by me in the breeze
Now buried in the past
Slowly fading,
And here and there,
Picked up again by the turbulence in time
And pulling me back

I am still waiting
Looking for
And walking towards the edge of the Earth
Hoping to be caught by a monolith before the fall
Yet, knowing full well to have past it long ago
Knowing full well the terror of the imminent drop
But, unable to stop
Unable to do nothing, but keep on walking
Looking
and Waiting
For nothing but the fall.

Waiting
-Yitkbel, June 11, 2016, Shalang

Waiting,

To see you pass by

Without saying hi

But your eyes smile

And I know why

That’s all I need from your love:

To hold you within my sight

To let your appearance catch me by surprise.

I’d forego death and finality

For an eternity of just standing by your side

While you were chasing the stars, did you ever think of the ember readily inside my heart?

While you were seeking the golden fleece, did you ever think of the blanket I weaved for you with every last leaf?

I cannot fault you,
For chasing affections that are hard to come by
For knowing
That even if you ignore me until the end of time
I'd still be there for you at the very last sunrise.

Why worry yourself with something you can never lose?

Introduction:

If I, with my childlike mind, thus
Interpret Hawking’s analogy here
Of the Universum Infinitus
Not as a fringeless sphere
But as he described, like the surface
Of our beloved planet Earth

Then, the only place
That is beyond time and space
That is with-out time and space
Must be hidden within
Forever, within
Eternity’s grace

What would we see,
If we left Plato’s cave
Into the Perfect Circle
As if through the looking glass
See all of life and existence
For what it was
Without our restricting frame of
Reference:
Our Consciousness
Fear and awareness of change
And loss
Without fear of the light,
Because we were shielded
By the shadows on the walls
For too long?

I

Through the perfectly lucid concave
I saw every String and every way
I saw the river of time, the ring of time
Unified
I saw it ebbs and flows, without death
And seemingly, forever alive

Humanity, consciousness, swim freely
But each soul stay in place, yet as
The river itself moves, and changes,
No one ever ceases to move

As St.Augustine deducted:
Time is the awareness of change
Something must come from
The Future
And
It will unstoppably pass into
The Past

The Present
Is almost nonexistent
Ever within one indivisible
Moment
Thus,
Time is meaningless to God
Time only exists for us
For it is what is gained
And what is immediately lost
TIME doesn’t exist for the eternal

II

Over time, I noticed something This River Time on the other sideSeems to be changing over nightIts flow becoming slower and slowerYetIts waves becoming wider and widerTill less steps is necessary To be able to cross over time     

We measure time by change
But even change is quickly
Changing
Becoming more and more often
More and more senile and forgetful

Is TIME ageing? Dying?
Is the river of time becoming
More and more viscous
As the sentiments build-up
Becoming more and more
Like milk or even honey?

III

Century is the new millennium!
If we measure the river of time
By section or meters of changes
Then, surely we can see that
As the flow of the denser and denser
Bodies of water slow down
Quicker and quicker
What used to be a thousand waves,
Or a thousand years
Is now a hundred waves
Or a hundred years:

If each fixed section or meter
Is marked by a great shift
Paradigm shift or
Great Change
Then
It is clear that the younger time
Used to take shorter, quicker,
Steps
And as it grows and ages
His steps become steady and slowerBut each stride becoming longer 
Thus travels faster
Till only in about a hundred paces
Would he encounter another
Lamppost,
As opposed to Olden Day’s
Every thousand paces

Conclusion:

Time is Consciousness
Or Awareness of change
For if nothing dies, arrives,
Then the constant present
Is forever a place without time

What if the speed of change changes
What happens when change
Seems to be coming quicker
And quicker?

Is change coming towards us
Or are we flowing towards change

Is time ageing?
Is our conscious awareness of
Change
Moving in greater and greater
Strides?
Moving from thousands of years
To hundreds
To decades
To months, weeks,
Days?

Would such a frequency
Exhaust time itself to death?

And grants us our search
For eternity
Not for us to live unbelievably
To age beyond Adam’s 930
But for us, within a hundred years,
A decade, year, month, day,
Hours, seconds
Experience all possible changes
Till we lose it all,
Till no more changes could occur
And
Forever stills the Status Quo.

We are experiencing it now,
Quicker and quicker
From a thousand years old
To a hundred years old
From centuries of greatness
To fifteen minutes of fame
To weeks of love
And endless separation
Till we exhaust it all
Ran all the way
To end up in the
Land of Waste

Or find a way
Beyond the cave
Into the unfathomable
Perfect Circle
Beyond loss, beyond change

Either way,
We will end up in a place
Beyond Time and Space

It seems that I long for you
Not by my own will
But guided by a sort of
Nausea

When I see you
I get lifted up by a tumultuous
Uproar of battling feelings
Of utmost excitement and fear
That I can no longer withstand
The gravity of an ordinary Earth
Without you

When I restrain myself from
Writing to you for fear of
Disturbing you
I am pulled and struck down
With a different kind of sickness
That threatens
With the force of a starless maelstrom
To sent me down the depth of river styx

I can do nothing but
Surrender to the Nausea
Lift up my quill
And call to you
For the river refuse to be calm
Unless I obey the sickness
That guides my every move.

May it be appeased by my unspoken
Trust and loyalty
And bring me back to you.

I see words of lost hope and dead dreams
Sprawled around the earth
Like ashes and dust
Ready to sacrifice itself
to spring
A new wave of short lived aspirations

But dreams doesn't just die
It doesn't cease to exist in the moment of revelation
It remains, cinders in the ash pit
Ready at any moment,
To spring back to life
With the full force of  
the once zealous flame
Still perfectly alive at its core.

You will remember me
   Not by my presence
       But my absence
                    

And, even that
      Will just be a passing thought.

I am reading your wordless affections
              With every twinge of missing you

Like notes on my heartstrings
Like a typewriter on my soul

Many years ago,
I went to Greece with my school
We stayed near a beach
and there was a stray dog
It took my shoes and ran off
I went after it
and tricked it into losing the shoes
I picked them up, put them on
and played with the dog till dark
The next day,
He sat waiting for me outside the door
When he saw me,
He climbed up
and dragged me with his teeth by the sleeves
I don't know where he wanted me to go
But I didn't follow
The bus was here, and we were suppose to go
I don't know if it ever did follow the bus
or If it still remembers me
But, I kept his teeth mark on my sleeves
and his image in my soul
Then, years later
I met you
We didn't talk
but like the dog, I looked up to you
Gnawed at your heart by my gazes
Hoping to reach your soul
Hoping you would take my leash
and direct me where to go
And like my dog
We parted our ways
As we kept our silence
I don't know if that golden retriever
Still waits for me outside those doors
But, I assure you
I still am,
Loving you
With the love of a dog
Unconditionally
Never letting go

By: Yitkbel

My wintry complexion
and Summer soul
Cannot kiss your Autumn lips

Your affections may blossom
One day, abruptly in the April rains
But, by then, traceless I'd be
In your belated reminiscing.

Or perhaps, you will remember me
Though doubtfully
As empty your heart may be
Its shallow depth
Will hardly anything keep.

I rather be your eternal shadow than the momentary sunshine.

I will hold you with my words
How true they are
Each letter like an ember
They will warm up your heart

As the leaves fall
I lift myself up
To replace its abundant emptiness.

For the world has turned pale
Since the color returned to you
For I have become an empty book
Since I have been read and used
For I have been washed away
When the river of musings
Have dried up from
A storm of old stories of
Nothing new
That's never been told

Still
I'd rather be the white maple
Of short lived pleasant surprises
Of a kind of soul you never knew
Than the anticipated
Colorful few
Among
The vast insignificance
Of an all brilliant view.

Everyday
From when I open my eyes
Till I bid adieu to the unwilling nights
I sit empty minded
And refresh

Old news
Refresh

Samething
Refresh

Silence
Refresh

Nothing ever changes
No one ever answers
Except the hollow fear
And knowing emptiness

Still,
I sit
And
Refresh.

I want to be the gardener of your soul
The gardener of:

The crimson red depth of my sorrow
The ocean blue intensity of my passion
The scattering Myosotis of the twinges of my heart
When I miss you way too much
The white daffodils of my breathless curiosity
The sunflowers of my inevitable faith
The honey bees of my helpless perseverance
The dandelions of my stubborn yet
All encompassing, all accepting love
As well as
The sweet earth and gentle sunshine that is you
Of which my entire being and happiness is
dependent on.

Because,

All these and more,
I still water everyday with my endlessly depleting tears
All these and more,
Could have been
And still can be
Unreservedly your most prized priceless possessions.

Sometimes
I think I can hear you loud and clear
On the other end
Of this channeling soul.

But I am always deathly afraid
That it's just meaningless
Perpetual echoes
Circling within my own
Closed and hollow
Inescapably fragile
Heart.

I thought I could be the keeper of time
Holding onto the most precious things
Like a handful of sugar squeezed tightly into a child's stubborn fist
Refusing to let go

I let everything around me change
They turned sour, became bitter
Withered and faded
Till nothing was the same
Till no sweetness remained

I thought it didn't matter
I thought I kept what I loved safe

But when I finally opened my palm
To savor what I held most dear
I realized, in horror,
That almost all of it has slipped away
Save only for a few seeds of memories
That the gale of time might
At any unexpecting moment,
Steal them all away.

Heaven, Earth, and Stay
-Yue ****

To love, to hate, to slay
To wonder, to wander, to stay
The spectre, the one who dies
Lost, grieved, sways by
Sways by to tell a tale
A tale of the faithful, and betrayal
She believes, she prays
She perishes, she’s away
To above, to the heaven
Defined, refined by its own name
But, what about he
He who slaved; he, who’s, from the almighty, away
Does he, believed, and told, chained to hell
Or does he, unable to home, stay
To suffer the post-betrayal human fate
Heaven, Earth, and Stay
Faith, fate, betray
Faithful, heaven, went, at the date
Humans, confused, understood, the fate
Now, the betrayer, he rather stays
To wander, helplessly, in the realm before the Gate

To Be Forgotten
By:Yitkbel
You love her.
To you, she is the flawless angelic presence graced
With the warm rays of a thousand spotless suns
But you are the devil
Surviving on nothing but the appetite of the dark abyss
Your strange and rare affection
Became your conscience
You begin to fear
That you will never be purged of
The stains of past bloodshed
And
Never be able to
Banish the rivulets of your inferno flesh
Nonetheless, your new found conscience gave you
A new set of wings, albeit it has now been
Stripped to its bare and charred bones
By the heat of your wrath
You still aim for the sky
And spread them for flight.
Even if you fall to your Eternal Rest
You would be content just to bath
In her light.
You don't crave paradise
You are just in love with the angel.
With a goddess divine
You crave for redemption,
For the purge
Just to vanquish the ****** flames
So as not to scorch her touch
Sometimes, you know
Your desperate desires
Are naught but asinine reveries
But a devil with a conscience
Can be burned by his own fury
So you long for the chill of heaven
Yet, when the suffocating silence
Is the only answer to your futile pleas
You understand Her Beauty is not
Yours to destroy
So, you let your own flames
Consume you
And let your ashes meld with the Earth
Far away from Paradise
So as not to shadow her privileged sunshines
Not to dim her light
At the end
You don't want a Requiem of Mourning
Befitting a hero's Heroic death
At the end
You bask in the silence
At the end
You don't wish for her to forget you
Because she was never aware of your existence
At the end
You only wish
To consign to oblivion
To be forgotten
Not by all
But by yourself
By time

I was a withering leaf of grass who aspired to fly,  
but didn't have wings,
Nor could I withstand the weight of dreams
Crushing in.
I despaired in terror
Every dusk till next morning
My doomed burial in traceless wind
Until you came rushing in,
In forms of
Sunshine, Earth and rain,
And now,
Full of life once again,
My everything.

Sometimes
When I walk on empty streets
I can feel your footsteps
Wavering, hesitant
Perhaps wondering
Where I was
As I look for you too
In the past, in the invisible
In your absence.

I'd love to sleep

the Wonderful Sleep

Unawakened by life.





#2

So it was actually

the Silence

that woke the dreamer.

Did you hide your soul
Behind glass and window panes
Behind trench coats and disdain
Behind little words and a miniature screen
Behind the fear of everything

Are you always leaving
Never letting life to get too close
To be breathe in

Are you always watching
But feel too lonely to experience
Every little thing

Too meaningless in the grand scheme of things
Too much potential for pain
Too many promises no longer promising
Too much silence, that's all you are ever hearing

You won't let me in
For fear of leaving
For fear of changing
For fear of losing
The part of yourself you've open up to pain
Even though you've already lost it
And that's why you are hurting

But you can't lose something
You're no longer possessing

I am all of you that you are fearing
I am all of the lost things you still fear
Losing
Changing
Hurting

I am all of that you can never lose
As you have already lost them
I am only that which you can take back
A fragile soul still loving
Through all of the transparent suffering

I am not a lonely soul
That roams free with an unkempt spirit.
I am one that stands perfectly still,
Letting everything rush by me,
Then lament their departure,
and mourn for all that I have lost.